How can some parents just up and leave their kids and forget about them ?

[reformer29]

I look at DD and wonder how her father can just leave her (never seeing her again) and just seem to get on with his life and forget about her. I cannot imagine leaving DD, I would always wonder "how is she", "What is she doing now".

This of course is not new. But I wonder how some parents could leave their kids behind (never seeing them again) and getting on with their lives ?

I suppose if they are dead its not a rejection of you?

It feels like it. No more rational than a childs thinking that a parent who leaves does so because of them being such a terrible person.

I am still fucking furious with my parent for dying and leaving me as a child.

And that's without even considering parents who take their own lives. Or the "battle" concept of cancer and other illnesses, that your parent didn't "fight" hard enough to stay with you.

I spent much of my childhood dreaming there'd been a mistake and they'd woken up in the morgue, or got the wrong person. Every time a person with amnesia was in the news i felt a flash of hope.

But at l had it easier than the parent just upping and leaving...

My ex- H's dad had two DC from a first marriage that he had no contact with. It always baffled me that he could have walked away and just cut them off, and how going in to have a Second family of 2dc but I tried not to judge. That is, until my ex found his brother on Facebook and his dad warned him not to contact him because it might threaten ex's inheritance

So not only did he abandon these children, no maintenance paid, but he wilfully and actively has ensured they are abandoned even in the event of his death He hinted at the fact that he left the mum because of DV (her being the perpetrator) and that she was psychopathic etc. If she was that bad why would you leave your DC in that environment? The mind boggles.

A lot of people do it for the best. I had a friend whose ex wife made visits difficult. The child, (whom I knew through my niece), grew to hate the Sunday afternoon "outings" and the fuss to get ready and the quizzing when she got back and having to miss classmates' parties and shopping trips and swimming and, and, and - because it's "your day to see your dad"

It was hard to develop a relationship with her Dad whom she did not share Christmas or holidays with, who was not allowed to do playdates who became like those formal uncles who ask you "So how are you getting on at school then?". Awkward

In the end as the child grew older there was always a reason why the visit had to be cancelled. He decided it was best for her if he withdrew and left her to have a stable relationship with her stepdad, so apart from a fortnightly letter, (pre-email), contact was ceased.

The happy ending is that when the DD was older she got back in touch. She learnt the full story, got to know her dad as a person and she is now very much part of the family. She has her own DD now - and they are all very close.

Sometimes leaving your kids is best for them. They know that you are there but any contact is always going to be fraught especially if you have a bitter break-up, if the child was very young when it happened, if you have another parent using the relationship to score points.

As a person you have to move on. What choice do you have? You don't ever forget but ....

I think it's human nature to shut down in order to cope. I also think some people don't bond with a child till they really get to know them which many fathers are not given the chance to do through their own fault or the mothers fault.

Humans are complex and the good men I know who don't see their kids, though part of me wants to scream and say you MUST keep fighting to see them, the reality is that by trying to hav e them in their lives they face a lot of pain and stress by putting themselves at the mercy of the child's mother. I still think without hesitation you stick by your child no matter what but I do recognise there is a very important coping mechanism built into humans that leads to people walking away.

My arsehole of a father managed to abandon 2 sets of children. He had 2 kids before he met my mum. When they first started dating he would see his kids sporadically, then just stopped. He had 3 kids with my mum and got divorced when I was 2 - visited 3 times in the first few months and then I didn't see him again until I was 7/8. Had another kid with my mum and left again.

It's 17 years since we spoke last - the selfish piece of shit didn't even come to his own daughters funeral 5 years ago.

Some people are just incredibly selfish and self serving, and I genuinely don't think that my dad had the capacity to feel for other people or consider their needs before his own. The best thing he did was leave.

Because sometimes it's in the best interests of the child. My bio father was violent to my mother. When they split, he agreed not to see me again (I was 3) and she remarried and her husband adopted me.

He crawled out of the woodwork when I was 40 and that fucked with my head badly.

God some of these stories are just so sad. Finola, yours really stood out - it must've been so difficult dealing with that

Yep reallyanother

well. Death anyway.

If you want a partial summary:

Bio mother got preg. Father disappeared but sent her 10 pounds to cover the cost of the pregnancy.

Mother gave up the baby (me) shortly after birth to adoption.

My (beloved) adopted mother died when I was 11.

My adopted father was incompetent and later, after stepmother came on the scene, damned unkind. At 16 it's fair to say that, well, I was strongly unwanted.

Found bio. mother at 18 (a whole difficult story) and held her while she sobbed and sobbed at giving up that baby. Bio father still not interested. Still isn't, even though he has two lovely, lovely grandchildren. Adoptive father not interested in grandchildren either.

So yes, I have experience of both. Disclaimer, different people react differently to the same circumstances. Even so, yes, I have more experience than I want.

Im sorry that my comment rubbed a very, very painful spot really. That wasn't my intention at all. I still miss and love my adoptive mother a very great deal. In my experience though, it's a cleaner pain. You know that your dead parent didn't want to die (suicide excepted, which is a whole different other barrel of stinking fish). You know that if they could, they'd still be there for you.

When someone leaves, it's messier. Not a deeper pain, but different.

I have a friend whose mother abandoned her as a child and then cropped back up years later pretending nothing had ever happened and expecting a 'normal' mother daughter relationship.

The lasting damage this has done to my friend is obvious to everyone except her mother ... Their relationship now is bizarre and it does my friend more harm than good! But she clings on in the hopes of one day getting an apology. Her mother though, genuinely doesn't see that she did any wrong.

My biological mother literally left me on the side of the road at 3.5yrs old, I know she had mh issues. But it's left me with long lasting issues.

I know a woman who was married with two kids, her husband did a hell of a lot for her & most of the childcare, she then had an affair & her hub (understandably) left, she stayed with OM & let the kids see their dad every other weekend, she then had another child with the OM, but when she found out her ex & his gf were having a baby, she went mental!
Told everyone he wasn't allowed to have another family, she didn't want him, but didn't want anyone else to have him! Actually told people that! She then stopped the kids contact with him, changed her number & moved house! He now has no way of seeing or finding his kids now, we've all tried to talk some sense into her, but she still sees that he should not have had another partner of children after her & she bad mouthes ex to anyone who will listen (even though we know the truth) including the kids!
So it's not always as easy as the dad just ups & leaves, sometimes, the mum makes it impossible.

My mum walked out on me and my sister when I was 2.5. She then went on to have 3 more children. She comes across as an amazing mum/grandmother. I've never understood how she could walk away. We still live in the same time and I have tried to reach out numerous times but have given up now.

My ex walked away, I'm pregnant with his child...when I emailed about the scan I had, he called the police.

He is not interested in being a father to his son, I will make sure my son knows how loved he is by me & his family.

I don't get men like this, absolutely breaks my heart for the children

Not defending the indefensible, but my father emigrated when I was four and I didn't see him again until I was eleven, and then on other short occasions afterwards. I don't feel that I was traumatised by this and I never felt it as a personal rejection. I don't understand why this is all so traumatising, surely it is life in its imperfect state.

watchmesoar

Yes indeed. X

I'm facing this with my ex now. I left 2 years ago and spent 6 months in refuge due to his abuse. Since then ive bent over backward to enable the children to see him, he used to FaceTime my elder son every night and see them most weekends. The family home was finally sold at the end of October, he last saw the boys the week before he moved. For the first week after he moved he spoke to my son every night on the phone, then the following week when my son rang he didn't answer so he stopped trying. A month on now and he's still not tried to ring the boys and has changed his phone so we can't contact him, we don't know the new number or where he lives. It's not going to be long until the boys are asking to see dad or why they can't ring him. I really don't know what I'm going to say. My boys are 6 and 3.