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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can some parents just up and leave their kids and forget about them ?

117 replies

reformer29 · 03/12/2016 20:47

I look at DD and wonder how her father can just leave her (never seeing her again) and just seem to get on with his life and forget about her. I cannot imagine leaving DD, I would always wonder "how is she", "What is she doing now".

This of course is not new. But I wonder how some parents could leave their kids behind (never seeing them again) and getting on with their lives ?

OP posts:

abbsisspartacus · 03/12/2016 21:24

although my nan walked away from her sons from her first marriage her husband told her she could leave but he would never let her have the children she felt it was the right thing to do and left they found her years later before she died no idea of the whole story but thats all i was ever told

Pinkstars2501 · 03/12/2016 21:24

My dad left when I was 2. I saw him on and off for a couple for years. Then nothing. He went on to re-marry when I was 7ish, a woman with two kids of her own. The elder child was a couple years younger than me and they actually sent her to my secondary school. He dropped her off at the gates. Gates I was stood at, looked right at me and just drove off. Not seen him since. I'm 29.

Some parents are arseholes.

averylongtimeago · 03/12/2016 21:25

My father pissed off abroad for his "career" when I was new born, I don't remember meeting him until I was 5, when the first Christmas present from him arrived. I was then sent to stay with him and step mum during school holidays from age 6.
I have since found out he was upset that I did not seem affectionate or show him "filial obedience" as I grew up.
Well roll on 50 years, he has never met his great grand kids, hasn't seen his grand kids for 20 years and I have very little contact with him, now in his late 80's. His loss.His choice. My DM was the most wonderful woman, adored by all her family.
No I don't understand him at all, or his reasons for being so remote.

Pinkstars2501 · 03/12/2016 21:26

*eldest

summerainbow · 03/12/2016 21:26

Sometimes I think the mother leaving is because of undiagnosed PHD.

Sparlklesilverglitter · 03/12/2016 21:26

To reject your child ( which is what your doing by leaving and never seeing them) is just awful and I don't know how anyone can do it!

My cousin left 2 DC with his first wife, has no contact with them yet he went on to have more DC with his second wife and is a dad to those children. What the fuck is with that? Why are the second lot of DC more special than the first?

DramaAlpaca · 03/12/2016 21:28

My mum's father upped and left when she was a child. It's had a lasting, traumatic effect on her life. She's now in her 80s and still feels deeply hurt about her father abandoning her all those years ago. She says the very worst bit was when he arranged to meet her when she was a young teenager, but didn't turn up

So no, I can't understand it, at all.

Original poster

reformer29 · 03/12/2016 21:32

Say if a parent leaves their child and go on to create a "new" family. Is it even more likely that the "parent" would walk out on the second family too ?

OP posts:

Original poster

reformer29 · 03/12/2016 21:36

Sparlklesilverglitter It seems that when the relationship comes to an end with the mother (or vice versa) the father (well in my case) begins to take a back seat, becomes disinterested and contact shrivels.

OP posts:

Santaiscomingsantaiscoming · 03/12/2016 21:36

I don't understand it either, how anyone can treat there own child that way is beyond me.

My sister done it she left her baby when she was born 2 years ago and hasn't seen her since she was 1 month old.
I do still see my niece ( luckily my now ex bil allows this) every 2 weeks for the day and she's a happy child but one day she will have to find out her own mother rejected her

drspouse · 03/12/2016 21:38

I strongly suspect there will be an element of PND in some cases.
I also know that some men feel or are told "she's doing it to trap you" "it's just for the maintenance". More misogyny than disowning the child - not even seeing the child as connected to them, more as a scam by the mother.

Liiinoo · 03/12/2016 21:38

I am 55 and haven't set eyes in my dad since I was about 3 or 4. My mum remarried and her second husband adopted me. He was (sadly dead now) a great dad but I still feel the loss of my biological father and have an irrational deep-rooted belief that he would have stayed around if I had been more lovable. My mums attitude that I was a grubby, unintelligent, unsatisfactory nuisance fuelled that belief.

Please make sure your DD knows that it is his loss, not hers. Make sure she knows that you love her and want her and if her dad knew how amazing she was he would want her too.

You sound very loving. She is lucky to have you.

Lunar1 · 03/12/2016 21:40

They do it because they are cunts, there is no other explanation despite the many posts by new partners blaming it on the 'crazy ex'. If she's so bloody crazy then go to court and fight for your children.

Mandatory and permanent sterilisation is the only way forward for someone, male or female who ditches children and doesn't fight for them. There should be no second family for twats like this, the first children can't be treated like a botched up experiment.

HeavenlyEyes · 03/12/2016 21:41

My ex left us and made a new family with OW. Hasn't bothered with DC for 5 years now. I fear for the new children - I am scared he has treated them just as badly as our DC. I watch my own, now young adult, DC struggle with it daily - and their often poor relationship choices and I am sure lots of what they do now is influenced by his abandonment of them. Breaks my heart and I spend so long trying to build up their self esteem - but I fear it is forever broken after him vanishing from their lives.

NinjaLeprechaun · 03/12/2016 21:41

"His view is that (usually) the father should sacrifice his happiness/great need to be with his children for the greater good of them having a stable life without him. Especially where there is great conflict between the parents."
My biological father was essentially told (by my maternal grandfather) that it was in my best interest not to have him be part of my life. For the sake of stability, you understand. Now it's entirely possible that the path of least resistance in that case was his preferred course of action anyway, but it was certainly the view at the time that a child was better off without a 'part time' dad.
Mind you, this was over 40 years ago. I wouldn't expect most people to feel that way today unless they were on the oldish side, and even then I think it would be unusual.

PrettySophisticated · 03/12/2016 21:44

Yes that's exactly where my dad's coming from ninja (and he's approaching 80). I think he's wrong and I;ve seen some brilliant parents manage to co-parent together but separately IYSWIM. OTOH I've seen some children badly hurt by the way both parents are determined to have their "share" of the DC.

peaceloveandbiscuits · 03/12/2016 21:44

My mother left her three children to live with a man who physically beat her every weekend for ten years.

As a child myself, I couldn't understand how a parent could leave their child either, and in trying to make sense of it all, I applied the irrational logic that it must be my fault, and that I must have done something terrible for my own mother to abandon me for someone who treats her so badly.

I will never ever ever leave my DS. Never ever ever.

squoosh · 03/12/2016 21:46

The elder child was a couple years younger than me and they actually sent her to my secondary school. He dropped her off at the gates. Gates I was stood at, looked right at me and just drove off. Not seen him since.

God that's harsh. He really must be an arsehole.

SlipperyLizard · 03/12/2016 21:47

I'd ask my dad but I've only seen him twice in the last 20 years. He's getting old now, and I wonder how I'll feel when he's gone - I should feel nothing as clearly he feels nothing for me, but what a waste - he has 5 grandchildren by me and my siblings, and has only ever met 2 (on the 2 occasions mentioned above).

I don't understand, he must have a heart of stone.

LouisvilleLlama · 03/12/2016 21:48

I think there's a certain level of detachment For men, I mean after they have sex, the woman gets pregnant and often forms an attachment with the "bump" so it's more real for them sooner, and when it comes to naming some women feel that the man has little say as he's not legally the father until the birth certificate is signed and then women often breastfeed to get more attached, a long with the societal norm it is generally the man who goes back working whilst the woman looks after the baby building the bond still.

I think ( in general ) it may take longer for fathers to have such a bond as before the baby's born the mother usually has a 6+ month bond. It has made me think in the past if the tables were turned or the childbirth was done somehow through a 3rd party would more women perhaps have terminations or be more like,y to walk away from their child.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/12/2016 21:50

Dh's step dad had children from previous marriage living very locally yet no contact. He was DH's step dad for over 20 years and very involved eg would pick him up from uni. But he left MIL 8 years ago and zero contact since so obviously his way. DH's real father hasn't seen him since he was 2 and apparently has more children but no attempts to make contact. As someone who grew up with a loving Dad I could never understand it.

Hogwashhotpants · 03/12/2016 21:52

My 'd'm walked out when I was 8 and my poor db was 4... Who walks out on a 4yo? She remarried about 4/5 years later and went through several rounds of IVF to get pregnant. I remember being really angry thinking she didn't look after us her first kids, how could she be having any more? Sadly she had miscarriages & ectopic pregnancies, so never managed to have further children but I was glad. Do you know I wasn't even allowed to attend her 2nd wedding? I wanted to be a bridesmaid and see it happen. My cousins were allowed to be there. That was a real kick in the teeth. I don't think she wanted her precious 2nd wedding sullied by the living 'evidence' of her first....

Benedikte2 · 03/12/2016 21:54

Of course some parents are narcissistic or just plain selfish and can't be bothered but sometimes there are factors which are never revealed to the children. On Long Lost Families the estranged parents often reveal that they were denied contact or it was so difficult they gave up. I'm not entirely convinced all these accounts are true but some must be.
I think also some father's intend to keep up contact but time passes and their lives get busy (with another family) and it just becomes to hard to explain why they have been absent (the whips)
Subsequent partners sometimes promise to make life difficult if contact is resumed.
But over all I agree with you OP that it's hard to imagine being able to just disappear from ones DCs lives

123MothergotafleA · 03/12/2016 21:57

It's almost always men who fuck off isn't it?
I can't understand it either and I feel it's a combination of sheer selfishness and perhaps mental health issues. No one in their right mind could turn their back on their own child.

EverySongbirdSays · 03/12/2016 21:57

I know a "father" on his third family OP. He's a scumbag, and he seems to think no-one thinks badly of him either.

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