Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

How can some parents just up and leave their kids and forget about them ?

117 replies

reformer29 · 03/12/2016 20:47

I look at DD and wonder how her father can just leave her (never seeing her again) and just seem to get on with his life and forget about her. I cannot imagine leaving DD, I would always wonder "how is she", "What is she doing now".

This of course is not new. But I wonder how some parents could leave their kids behind (never seeing them again) and getting on with their lives ?

OP posts:

user1477282676 · 03/12/2016 22:29

It's very strange isn't it OP? It's rare in women though it happens....and more common in men....but then some men will move the world to be near their kids, so why not others?

I think it's because some men don't have the capacity to love.

SantaPleaseBringMeEwanMcGregor · 03/12/2016 22:36

It's like one of my close friends pirate her DS was adopted as a baby, by choice

To clarify, adoption is not abandonment.

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 22:39

You are assuming that an unwanted pregnancy will magically be converted to a wanted baby and that mother love will kick in.

perhaps I misspoke myself ... I don't assume that. Not at all.

I guess I was speaking about the process of adopting by the adopting parents. Not giving up for adoption.

I dont know what it is with women who are pregnant and don't want the baby very much. There are several options available.

I still don't see why the hell a woman who doesn't want her baby can't arrange for other caretakers in a decent way though. Not just walking out on a 3 day old baby (unless extreme circumstances are involved such as extreme deprivation, as happens with some refugee women, and I don't think we can close our eyes to the desperation some women live in).

misshelena · 03/12/2016 22:40

NO forever. NO.

Everyone here has the right to judge the parent who disappeared on them. No matter the circumstances. No matter. If you have any humanity and you abandoned your dc, then you will accept, maybe even welcome, the judgment of other people. Clearly that is not you. You are defiant. You think that you are somehow the victim of circumstances, that you did the "best" you could. That may well be. However, as I said -- if you had any humanity at all, you'd know that you deserve to be judged, at least by your dc who you abandoned. Regardless of circumstances. You are NOT the victim. Your dc is.

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 22:45

actually I suppose I do see why they can't sometimes

It just sucks like hell

Meeep · 03/12/2016 22:46

I read an article about a state in the US who said they'd take unwanted children no questions asked, to try to prevent abuse of infants, but they had to stop it when so many people were driving from thousands of miles away, everywhere, to drop whole families of siblings off. All ages.

It said that if it wasn't for the shame involved, probably loads more than you'd expect of parents out there would want to walk away from their children.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/12/2016 22:47

some fathers never develop a bond with the child so it is easy to walk away from someone they have never really cared about. (left it all to the mother, the child was just an inconvenience etc)

presumably some mothers also did not want to be pregnant but did not want an abortion either. or pnd etc.

I do find it hard to understand why people walk out on children they have invested a lot of time and effort into, then go on to have other families. perhaps they think of the children as belonging to the marriage/mother/relationship and leave the whole lot... throwing baby out with the bathwater.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2016 22:47

misshelena I have never left a child nor given a child up for adoption so no personal axe to grind but would you apply the same comments to a woman who has given up a child for adoption?

SeaEagle same question to you.

I really cannot see there is any difference between the case of a woman walking out on a 3 day old baby and leaving him with his father or handing the baby over to social services. A pregnancy has been carried to term by someone who did not want to be a mother.

Solina · 03/12/2016 22:55

I would imagine there are many reasons why. Maybe that person never actually wanted children, maybe they felt their life was more important than being part of their childs life and so on... it is very selfish yes but I suppose you cant force people into doing something they dont want to, it would be worse as the child would see the parent doesnt want to be there and the ongoing hurt that would cause is worse than that parent just simply not being there.

ricecrispies16 · 03/12/2016 22:59

My dad (if that's what you want to call him) left when I was two (I'm now 26) for no reason other than he wanted to, wrote an elaborate letter to my mum saying he didn't want to see me anymore and that was that. He went on to have 3 more children and plays the role of dedicated father to them. I have never understood this.

ginswinger · 03/12/2016 23:02

What I don't understand is how another man or woman can start a second family with the knowledge that their partner has walked out on a first family, cutting contact. That to me is a particular form of stupidity.

Boomerwang · 03/12/2016 23:03

It took me a while to bond with my child. I don't know why, but I was more frightened of her when she was born than anything else, and I didn't get the gush of loving feelings that I was expecting to have. That upset me. I had baby brain and I was so tired all the time. Rowed with my partner a lot. I can imagine how other mothers might flee at that moment. Once it's done then the attachment slowly wanes I suppose and there must be a point of no return.

I don't know when I knew I loved my daughter but it must have happened, because she's four now and for a long time I've barely been able to keep my hands off her because I want to hug and kiss her all the time. There's no way I could understand a mother abandoning her kids after building a relationship with them.

I do wonder about men finding it easier to lose contact. I co parent with my ex and when my daughter is with him I have to visit every day because I can't stand not seeing or hearing her. When I have her he never calls or visits her. I don't particularly want to go to his house but I do it for my girl. Why doesn't he?

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 23:07

I have never left a child nor given a child up for adoption so no personal axe to grind but would you apply the same comments to a woman who has given up a child for adoption?

Nope, because time and thought has gone into providing for the future of the child. That future might not include them, the parent, but they are making sure there is a future where the child is cared for.

Someone who walks out, male or female, at that moment isn't caring what happens to that child. There may be reasons for that, but that's the situation.

At the very least, you're relying on others to pick up the pieces and if those others aren't there, bad things happen. But really, if you absolutely can't cope then give over the responsibility for the child in a managed fashion. Women have a shitload more leeway with this, considering PND, lone parenthood etc. But no, abandonment of a child is nothing like adoption.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 03/12/2016 23:10

Two close relatives of mine did, one the father just decided when child was 2 that he didn't want a child or wife, walked away and never looked back. The other left husband and two kids. (I suspect ea and mh issues)but it was a long time ago and she was just damned as being selfish. She never contacted any of her family again.

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 23:12

Extreme pressures create a desperation that people living more 'normal' lives don't get, though.

Boomerwang · 03/12/2016 23:15

I knew a woman who had two little girls. I found out via a mutual friend that she also had a much older son. He was brought up by another family. When I got chatting to this woman she went on and on about how proud she was of her son and how he's done well in his exams and he's off to uni. I thought she was still in his life. It turns out she reads about this on facebook, she doesn't actually see him because he lives a fair distance away. Fair enough, I thought perhaps she had him whilst very young or had to give him up for his own sake or something like that. I thought perhaps her two girls came along at a better time in her life and that it would have been unreasonable to uproot her son to come back to her again.

A few months later I find out through the same friend that she handed over her two girls to the social. As far as I am aware she was a single mother. Her girls were 5 and 18 months. It can't have been easy to give them up. I feel bloody awful for the lot of them. If I didn't have my daughter I'd have given up life by now. I hope they all get a happy ending.

Finola1step · 03/12/2016 23:27

Just to clarify something about my previous post about my biological gm leaving her 4 young dc. It was actually all quite simple. She fell pregnant at 18 to Grandad and got married. Within 6 years, 4 dc born. She then met another man. Fell absolutely head over heels. He refused to take on her 4 dc and told her to choose. So she chose him.

And walked away. Started over again. All the extended family knew. In fact, the whole community knew. My DM still lives a few streets away and I grew up there. My biological GM was eventually confronted about it by the eldest DD. She didn't deny. That was the one and only conversation she had with any of her dc from the day she left until the day she died some 40 odd years later.

Sp while it is absolutely possible that there were issues such as PND the simple truth is that she chose another life over her dc. As some parents do. I will never understand.

cookieswirls · 03/12/2016 23:27

It makes me sick the thought of it! My children are everything to me and always will be! I could never live without them.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2016 23:28

At the very least, you're relying on others to pick up the pieces and if those others aren't there, bad things happen

In the case mentioned the baby's father was there. In the situation of a woman going through an unwanted pregnancy but still with her partner I would assume there may be considerable pressure to be a mother (much like you are doing here) so I'd assume the question of planning a paternal adoption is unlikely to be discussed.

MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 03/12/2016 23:39

My uncle via marriage has 2 children from his 2nd marriage and 3 from his 1st marriage.

He plays the devoted (but quite controlling) dad to his last 2 kids but hasn't seen the other kids for years. In the family we are still not sure if his latest children actually know that he has 3 older kids.

I always thought his behaviour was horrible but after having children myself I just cannot understand it at all and don't know how he can live with himself.

HormonalConfusion · 03/12/2016 23:42

NC'd coz it's quite personal.

I think it's generally selfishness, but behind that selfishness may be other issues like mental health issues (even if they're not diagnosed).

My stepdaughter is 5; her mum hasn't seen her since she was 3.

Her mum broke up with DH when she was pregnant, because she wanted a baby to herself (both DH and his ExW have told this to me). DH had to go through the courts to get access, and didn't get to look after his daughter until she was 11 months old. For a while after that, he had her 2 nights a week, and they co-parented quite amicably (and once I was in the picture, ExW was really friendly to me as well). Then suddenly when DSD was about 2.5, her mum decided that she wanted DH to be the resident parent and she would see her daughter every other weekend. DH obliged. She frequently didn't turn up for contact, either with no warning or a weak excuse (hairdressers appt, cold, that sort of thing). After about a year of that, she declared to DH, by text, that she never wanted to see her daughter again. DH phoned her several times and she never gave a reason (we later found out that she had just got engaged to someone else at that time).

I love my stepdaughter and it makes me angry whenever I think about it, that her own mother could just walk away so easily. I never could, and I didn't carry her for nine months. We tell DD "mummy finds it too hard to look after people and she can't care for you properly or keep you safe any more", with lots of reassurances that DD's loved and it's not her fault. DH has told me before that sometimes he does just want to tell DD that her mother's a selfish ** and doesn't deserve her, but that would probably hurt DD more than she needs right now.

Sorry for how long that is

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 23:48

Heh lass

You are assuming a very great deal about why people walk away, just as you are about me. Don't assume that people are coming from any one position or see things from only one angle.

But the fact remains that if you reach the end of your tether, you hand your children over to other caretakers responsibly. Abandoning them is just that. In this society you can be reasonably sure that someone will take care of them - if you trust putting children into care.

In the extreme pressure of the moment sometimes people walk away. But to stay away - that's something else. That to my mind is unforgiveable. You have had the time to calm, to gather yourself, to put yourself in a better position mentally if not financially. To leave your children wondering for all their lives - no. At that point, it's pure selfishness.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2016 23:48

HormonalConfusion I think you are saying exactly the right thing.

reallyanotherone · 04/12/2016 07:45

Someone just disappearing is the cruellest thing you can do to a child. Even death of a parent is better.

Have you been through both? Unless you have you cannot say which is "better"..

abbsisspartacus · 04/12/2016 08:01

I suppose if they are dead its not a rejection of you?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5