To dislike my Dad's wife?

[fairycherrypop]

Really long will try my best not to drip feed too much Might get flamed for this, who knows.

My Dad's wife has caused problems in my life ever since they got together. She's stopped him from seeing me and verbally abused me and my mum. Told me my dad didn't want me, love me etc. As I've now had a child of my own and been left by their useless sperm doner father I've been thinking about it a lot more and I can kind of relate to my own mother.

Basic background is dv towards my mum, serious alcoholic, never paid a penny and just left one day when I was a few months old. I rarely had contact with him up until I was old enough to decide for myself that I wanted to effectively meet him all over again since I have no memories of him from my childhood. By then he was in a relationship with his now wife. He was very flimsy with contact and never paid maintenance. The reason he gave my mum for not being able to give her anything was that he was paying for his wife's uni degree. This devasted me as a 12 year old, watching my mum scraping by and having barely any food to eat. She was extremely depressed and I helped her through it. It isn't anything someone so young so go through and my mental health has been effected by all of these events.

Fast forward 13 years and now my mum is happily married to a new man who makes her happy and has done a lot for me and my daughter. Over the years my dad has told me loads about the stress he's been under having to provide for his wife. It's been 10 years since she's completed her degree and she has managed to hold down only 4 jobs for no more than 3 months at a time. None of them were anything to do with her degree. I assume from this she hasn't repayed my dad for the uni fees. Luckily my dad has his own business now and has a fairly good wage. He sometimes helps me out if I'm low on money but it doesn't make it up to my mum for 18 years of child support. When I look at my own child I can't even think about using my money on other things before her food and necessities. No way could I pay for an unemployed person's uni degree knowing my child was going without food

Why would any woman with every ability to work and no reason to be at home (no kids) live off of a father who's not providing for his daughter and feel okay about it? I really really seethe when I think about her. I'm really not being U am I??

You are angry at the wrong person.

She hasn't been great and I understand you not liking her, but your dad is the one who chose to walk away and not support you.

YANBU. But also your dad is a wanker. Nobody is forcing him to be with this woman, that's the choice he has made. They're both arseholes.

Your dad's wife isn't the problem. It's what your dad has allowed to happen is the issue. Be angry at him

She's selfish, ignorant and self centred. There's noting even remotely unreasonable about your completely justified feelings towards this "woman".

It's your dad you should be angry at not her. He made his own choices not to support you. I think it's him that you need to be frank with. It's easier for him to claim to be brow beaten by his wife but he's the one who chose to walk away. Plus you honestly don't know what he's been saying to her over the years.

It's harder to be angry with him because he's your dad but honestly he's the one who let you down

What Elsa said

Your dad is the one who chose to walk away and give his money to her and not his daughter

Be mad at him.

I have a strained relationship with my dad because of this as well. I just can't get my head around how someone can live off of their partners income with no actual reason to other than what? I have no idea but laziness does spring to mind. She is perfectly healthy and capable so I don't feel bad for saying that.

It's hurts me how I didn't have a choice in becoming a single parent but she has a choice to go to work and have her own income

They both sound like awful people you don't need in your life.

Because HE let's her. Simple

You keep going back to her but it's really not about her.

Is it possible he doesn't allow her to work? Violent alcoholics rarely change their ways.

Why do you want to have a relationship with a man that stole for 18 years from you? He stole that maintenance from your mother's purse and made pathetic excuses to try to cover his indiscretions.

I'm with those who say you're angry with the wrong person.

She sounds like a nob.

But your dad is worse. He had a duty to you, she had none.

He is allowing her to stay home whilst being supported

It's not her, it's him!!

It's easy to blame her. But you are barking up the wrong tree

She may not be a very nice woman. Not at all

But she doesn't deserve all the blame either

He gradually stopped drinking heavily and smoking (uses an ecig but a bit better than fags). I'm not sure exactly what goes off on the inside but from the outside I just really can't understand it. I don't understand my dad either and don't consider him a father figure. I'm really damaged by it all and it's come to ahead now I'm going through similar

Millions of men support partners that don't work, it's highly common.

He should have paid child support, if he was earning and she wasn't then nothing was stopping him doing that as he had an income.

Not sure what her choice of not working has to do with you being a single parent. You chose to have children and it sounds like she didn't.

Agree with Elsa - your dad's wife isn't the problem here.

Your father CHOSE to leave, to take no interest in you and not to pay any maintenance for your keep. If he had cared about you, he would have told his wife that you were his responsibility, and whether she liked it or not, he was going to look after you (btw - 10-odd years ago she would have been eligible for a student loan, and she was living at home, wth him).

If your dad was a violent alcoholic when he was with your DM, then he will be a violent alcoholic with this woman. She is possibly unable to work because he is controlling and won't let her, or makes sure that she loses her jobs; he may be jealous of her intelligence and make it difficult to get a job in her chosen field (just out of interest - what is her degree).

He very probably has eaten away at her self-esteem and mental and physical health over the years, and made her emotionally and financially dependent upon him. He may seem to be the one who is badly-done-to to you, but domestic abusers have a great gift of playing the victim, and coming across as charming and salt-of-the-earth. It is always their partner's fault, and they are the ones who are really suffering. They are narcissistic, egotistic and manipulative. Even now, he is putting the blame on his wife for neglecting you and leaving your mother - he is taking no responsibility himself. He was a grown-man. This woman didn't pull a gun on him - he CHOSE to leave, and he CHOSE to act as though he had no child - remember that. Everything was HIS CHOICE.

Personally, I wouldn't have bothered looking him up, but I can see why you might want to know where you've "come from"- You are playing into his hands here. It suits him to come across as a family man now, and probably brag about his DGD to his friends - and it's something he can rub his present wife's nose in. No wonder she is aggressive towards you.

He will turn on you one day - or when you are settled and financially secure he will borrow money off you, or emotionally manipulate you and your child.

Remember who has love and struggled and looked after you all of your life. Your MUM. Remember who has done a lot for you and your daughter - YOUR STEPFATHER.

These are the people who love you and who care for you and who you can tryst. They are also the people you are probably hurting very much by being so involved and impressed with your waste-of-space father.

I promise you, that this man will not bring long-term joy into your life. He is a manipulative user.

So it's fair that women with no kids that don't want to work (not can't) are supported by their partners and I get left (he left me, not my choice or fault) with no support and not being able to work because I'm raising a child without the other parents input? I'm saying I'm hurt by the hand I've been dealt. Not only did I experience this as a child I am also experiencing it as a mother. Twice in a lifetime is very difficult to cope with

You're trying to find logic and understanding of what is basically a lie.

She was aggressive to me as a child. Not sure if I've managed to get the timescale and ages across in my writing. She said those things about my dad not loving me when I was 12, very damaged by her words and actions

What she did to you is unacceptable, but she didn't force your dad to leave.

She didn't force your dad to not pay maintenance

She was unemployed and undergraduate when they met, she has always been this way. I don't think it's normal at all.

If he had met a woman with a nice work ethic and a degree apparently then he wouldn't have had to spend £2000+ and provide for someone for probably the rest of their lives. My mum and step dad both work and pay their mortgage together. No reason why they can't be the same

OP

What is it you really want to say?

After everything you wrote you still don't seem to want to accept that your dad was at fault

So you don't work either? You do realise that it's perfectly possible to raise a child and work. You are shaming him for not paying child support yet are not actually financially supporting your own child either?

It's horrible when bad people seem to fall on their feet and have it all; but they do all the time! Life isn't fair. I'm not sure why they're in your life given the history. Can you get maintenance? There's no logic .