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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my Dad's wife?

140 replies

fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 16:45

Really long will try my best not to drip feed too muchBlush Might get flamed for this, who knows.

My Dad's wife has caused problems in my life ever since they got together. She's stopped him from seeing me and verbally abused me and my mum. Told me my dad didn't want me, love me etc. As I've now had a child of my own and been left by their useless sperm doner father I've been thinking about it a lot more and I can kind of relate to my own mother.

Basic background is dv towards my mum, serious alcoholic, never paid a penny and just left one day when I was a few months old. I rarely had contact with him up until I was old enough to decide for myself that I wanted to effectively meet him all over again since I have no memories of him from my childhood. By then he was in a relationship with his now wife. He was very flimsy with contact and never paid maintenance. The reason he gave my mum for not being able to give her anything was that he was paying for his wife's uni degree. This devasted me as a 12 year old, watching my mum scraping by and having barely any food to eat. She was extremely depressed and I helped her through it. It isn't anything someone so young so go through and my mental health has been effected by all of these events.

Fast forward 13 years and now my mum is happily married to a new man who makes her happy and has done a lot for me and my daughter. Over the years my dad has told me loads about the stress he's been under having to provide for his wife. It's been 10 years since she's completed her degree and she has managed to hold down only 4 jobs for no more than 3 months at a time. None of them were anything to do with her degree. I assume from this she hasn't repayed my dad for the uni fees. Luckily my dad has his own business now and has a fairly good wage. He sometimes helps me out if I'm low on money but it doesn't make it up to my mum for 18 years of child support. When I look at my own child I can't even think about using my money on other things before her food and necessities. No way could I pay for an unemployed person's uni degree knowing my child was going without foodHmm

Why would any woman with every ability to work and no reason to be at home (no kids) live off of a father who's not providing for his daughter and feel okay about it? I really really seethe when I think about her. I'm really not being U am I??

OP posts:
user1479296630 · 03/12/2016 18:39

You need to pursue your child's father for financial support.

ThatStewie · 03/12/2016 18:39

Whether or not she's living off your father or is herself abusive is neither here nor there because she wasn't responsible for your fathers choices.

I had an emotionally abusive stepmother who was also an alcoholic. My father is still responsible for his choices - just as your father is responsible for child neglect and financial abuse.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:39

Just folding my baby girls Ted Baker clothes into her £300 Mamas and Papas wardrobe. Not projecting. My daughter has everything and I have a mortgage at 25. I'm not jealous of her getting my dads money, I don't need it now. I did however need it when I was a child yet it was spent on a sports rehabilitation degree. I expect my ex to contribute to the child he made, not to my life

OP posts:
littlesallyracket · 03/12/2016 18:40

He has a prenup, everything goes to me nothing to her

And you STILL resent him supporting her while he's alive? STILL?

OMG.

You keep saying 'But she's horrible, she's deranged, she's abusive', and yes, those are reasons not to like her. But those aren't the reasons you gave. The reasons you gave were that she doesn't have a job and you think she should.

You honestly sound more confused and irrational by the minute and I'm genuinely a little bit worried about your mental state. Given that you've just had a baby and are going through an incredibly stressful, I'm wondering if you're all right and this whole thread just seems to be making you more and more upset. You've got enough to worry about with a new baby and I think you need to step away for a bit.

humphreyandlinnea · 03/12/2016 18:41

I can understand you having a rant. The men in your life haven't been what they should.

Would you consider getting counselling to ensure you're not unconsciously choosing the same kind of man your dad is?

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:42

It's hard to pay a mortgage on maternity pay, but I put that and my daughters things above eating. I went out in leggings with holes in the crotch and a jumper covering them today. I just wish other parents could put their children first like that

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:42

So what kind of woman are you that you couldn't you make your partner hang around and financially support his child, OP?
Same thing, people are only responsible for themselves.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 18:43

I am also concerned about your mental state.

I'm sorry that the situation you had growing up as most likely caused the way you feel now. A bewildering amount of pent up anger and pain that you are now directing completely at your stepmother who is, in your mind, the sole reason for your obvious unhappiness.

Please get some help, OP. Flowers

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:44

I'm mad at my dad for choosing to be with such a woman also. I'm sorry for my hormones, really need someWine

Sorry for those I've ranted at I appreciate you're all trying to help me. These feelings have been sparked by a visit from dad and wife think I may go n/c now

OP posts:
DailyMailSucksAss · 03/12/2016 18:47

Agree with the prev comments about you blaming the wrong person. Your dad is the shitty one here. Also, why are you upset by sm not working when you aren't either? That parts a bit confusing.

Agree you have a shitty parent but you now have a child to look after and they should be your priority over everything and everybody else. If this relationship with father and sm is affecting your child then cut them off. I say this as a stepmum myself but unlike yours I'm actually involved in parenting.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2016 18:47

I think that would be a good idea, he was a shit father, before this woman came along.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:47

He once attempted to hit me with his car in front of my friends after he hit me when I was 16. I used to have hallucinations of him following me when I would be walking home late at night, usually from a bar so that probably didn't help my mind state. It took me over a year to recover from that one day. It's all really awful but it's made me a stronger person knowing I'm still here and now doing everything to make sure my daughter has a better life than I did

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 03/12/2016 18:48

Great! I think NC would be the best thing. You've got enough to focus on in your life right now without toxic relatives.

As an aside you'd be better off not spending on designer gear for your child when you're financially stretched. She won't care what label it is and will grow out of it in a heartbeat. You've got to look after you as well. Parenting is a marathon not a sprint and you need to take care of yourself to give the best to your child.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:49

I'm on maternity leave with 6 week old, very hormonal and visit for the baby from the two people have brought up some memories and emotions which are hard to deal withSad

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 03/12/2016 18:50

I'm 12 weeks post birth so can relate!

Flowers
Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:51

I used up most of my savings kitting out the nursery and playroom for my daughter, it's so beautiful and much more than I had when I was little. I was going to start up my own business but I wanted her to have everything really. I don't want her to ever feel like I didSad

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 03/12/2016 18:52

Your stepmother is an awful human being, but I agree with previous posters that the target of your anger should mainly be your father.

Bear in mind that we tend to unconsciously pattern our behaviour on our parents' - either by repeating their story or by trying to become the exact opposite.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:53

Just spent £50 on a bloody rug because it's shaped like a bunnyBlush

OP posts:
DailyMailSucksAss · 03/12/2016 18:54

Ok so nc it is. If my dh ever did that to my dsd an arrest would be the least of his worries.

Bambamrubblesmum · 03/12/2016 18:55

All she needs is you. Nothing else matters.

Sounds like you might have some post natal depression - have you spoken to your doctor at your 6 week check up?

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:55

Thank you everyone, sorry againFlowers

God I should have an 'approach with caution' sticker on my headBlush

OP posts:
ThatStewie · 03/12/2016 18:57

You don't need Ted Baker clothers or a bunny rig to be a good mother. You need to care for yourself as well as your daughter.

NC is a very good start. A trip to your HV or GP on Monday might be a good place to start. You're under a lot of stress and PND is a very common response. Please reach out for support in RL.Flowers

WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 19:02

Honestly fairy, she doesn't need bunny rugs or Ted Baker or whatever else.
All she needs is to know you're there.
You sound so emotional. Flowers
Don't go out with holes in your clothes while she's in designer gear. Just grab both of you leggings from H&am.
Talk to your GP/midwife/Health Visitor.

Trifleorbust · 03/12/2016 19:02

Definitely placing the blame with the wrong person here. Their financial arrangements between themselves are, with respect, not your business. Your father's failure to provide for his own child is his own fault, irrespective of how he chose to spend his money.

Ellisandra · 03/12/2016 19:09

Love, I mean this kindly - you should consider counselling.
£50 on a rug, and Ted Baker clothes for a newborn when you are wearing leggings with holes in them, is ridiculous. As you say, it's driven by your need to give he everything after your poor childhood.
But you need to believe that a £50 rug is not "giving he everything". It's a rug. That's all. And one which you can't afford if it's depleting your savings on mat leave and you can't afford basic clothes for yourself.
Providing everything she needs right now = love, attention, stimulation, milk, a safe environment, clothes that don't have to expensive, and keeping her clean.

Your father's wife is a grade A bitch, end of.

But all your anger at her is better directed at him.

I am actually astounded at the fact you let him have any contact with you at all. Just - why?