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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my Dad's wife?

140 replies

fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 16:45

Really long will try my best not to drip feed too muchBlush Might get flamed for this, who knows.

My Dad's wife has caused problems in my life ever since they got together. She's stopped him from seeing me and verbally abused me and my mum. Told me my dad didn't want me, love me etc. As I've now had a child of my own and been left by their useless sperm doner father I've been thinking about it a lot more and I can kind of relate to my own mother.

Basic background is dv towards my mum, serious alcoholic, never paid a penny and just left one day when I was a few months old. I rarely had contact with him up until I was old enough to decide for myself that I wanted to effectively meet him all over again since I have no memories of him from my childhood. By then he was in a relationship with his now wife. He was very flimsy with contact and never paid maintenance. The reason he gave my mum for not being able to give her anything was that he was paying for his wife's uni degree. This devasted me as a 12 year old, watching my mum scraping by and having barely any food to eat. She was extremely depressed and I helped her through it. It isn't anything someone so young so go through and my mental health has been effected by all of these events.

Fast forward 13 years and now my mum is happily married to a new man who makes her happy and has done a lot for me and my daughter. Over the years my dad has told me loads about the stress he's been under having to provide for his wife. It's been 10 years since she's completed her degree and she has managed to hold down only 4 jobs for no more than 3 months at a time. None of them were anything to do with her degree. I assume from this she hasn't repayed my dad for the uni fees. Luckily my dad has his own business now and has a fairly good wage. He sometimes helps me out if I'm low on money but it doesn't make it up to my mum for 18 years of child support. When I look at my own child I can't even think about using my money on other things before her food and necessities. No way could I pay for an unemployed person's uni degree knowing my child was going without foodHmm

Why would any woman with every ability to work and no reason to be at home (no kids) live off of a father who's not providing for his daughter and feel okay about it? I really really seethe when I think about her. I'm really not being U am I??

OP posts:
needsahalo · 03/12/2016 17:57

What she did to you is unacceptable, but she didn't force your dad to leave.She didn't force your dad to not pay maintenance

Don't you think it's about time, as a society, we STOPPED this shit? How about those friends, family, colleagues, of men (usually men) who,don't pay maintenance actually take some collective responsibility for the welfare of children and challenge the widely accepted standing by and not supporting children as some kind of hilarious thing that happens? How about NOT blaming single mums for the persistent struggle they face and say 'well, the lazy bitch should just get a job'. How,about we challenge the 'but she got the house/won't let him see the kids/is on benefits shit whilst we're at it rather than being a part of this collective abuse of children. Because abuse is what it is. And state sponsored abuse to boot.

demonchilde · 03/12/2016 17:57

I think 2cats has it right. No, she doesn't sound very nice at all from your description, but there are 2 sides to every story, and It is true that it is your Dad you should be angry with, not her. Whether you like her or not is another matter.

I don't get why you are so fixated on her work situation- there could be all manner of reasons for that that you may not be aware of. Maybe your Dad doesn't like her working and has caused problems for her? Not at all uncommon in people with a history of DV. Maybe behind closed doors he his treating her like he did you Mum and it's affected her MH. You just don't know.

But regardless, he is the one who let you down, not her. Focus more on that if you can.

Soubriquet · 03/12/2016 17:58

I'm still confused though

What has your stepmum got to do with your partner leaving you?

Why does her not working affect that?

Are you trying to say if she was working, your dad would help you more financially?

Because from the sounds of everything you've said he won't

He didn't help you as a child, he won't help with his grandchild

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 17:58

Calling someone 'ridiculous' rarely achieves anything other than alienating them which isn't going to help them see things in a different way.

If fairypop is going to manage to aim most of her disappointment and ire at the right source, her father, I'm not convinced that such a strong word is going to help her get there.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:00

I came to see if I was being U about disliking this woman not for a counselling session, I would have gone to the Relationships board. I think I might be a bit hormonal not bitter, since I've just had a baby...

OP posts:
littlesallyracket · 03/12/2016 18:01

Your dad and his wife can live their life in whichever way they choose. If she doesn't work and he wants to support her, that's up to her.

Your father beat your mother and walked out on you both. If you believe the 'I can't pay maintenance because my wife's doing a degree' story, you are very naive. He didn't pay anything because he didn't want to, not because he couldn't. It has nothing to do with his wife.

You are not struggling financially because your dad married a woman you don't like. You are struggling because your partner left you - that's not your dad's wife's fault, either.

Your dad's wife may well be a really horrible woman, but she isn't responsible for you being a struggling single parent and she isn't responsible for your dad being an absent and unsupportive father.

She was unemployed and undergraduate when they met, she has always been this way. I don't think it's normal at all.

So what? It's none of your business. It's up to them how they want their marriage to be. They're adults with their own lives. They don't have to live their lives the way you want them to.

My mum and step dad both work and pay their mortgage together. No reason why they can't be the same

Again, it's none of your business. They're not the same because they have chosen not to be, which they have every right to do. Your mum's marriage is one thing. Your dad's is another.

You are now an adult with a child of your own. You need to move on from this. If you don't like your dad and his wife, don't see them. If I knew my dad had been violent towards my mum, I wouldn't want to go anywhere near him, frankly. You need to face up to what sort of a man he is and stop making his wife the issue here.

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 18:02

congratulations, fairypop :)

I found the same, my parents and their, ahem, flaws came very strongly to mind just after mine were born.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:02

Also single mum doesn't automatically mean not working, the cheek on some peopleHmm Thank you for assuming that I'm on benefits because I'm bashing an unemployed woman. No I just have a work ethic, something some people clearly need to gain

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:03

I am post birth hormonal and obviously can't have wine so thought I'd have a bit of a rant didn't expect it to turn on meBlush

OP posts:
littlesallyracket · 03/12/2016 18:05

I came to see if I was being U about disliking this woman not for a counselling session, I would have gone to the Relationships board.

OK - in that case I'll keep it short and just answer your question:

  1. You're not being unreasonable for disliking her, if she has been directly unpleasant to you.
  1. You are being very unreasonable for acting as if she is responsible for your problems.
girlelephant · 03/12/2016 18:05

YANBU as she does not sound like an ice lady but your Dad sounds horrid and frankly has made far worse decisions than being with her.

I would have nothing to do with either of them and I don't promote going NC often

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 18:06

fairy I don't think people are turning on you. But I do agree that you are angry at the wrong person.

At the end of the day this person doesn't owe you anything. It's your dad that does. He had the obligations and if he reneged on them that is 100% on him. You can't blame her for his behaviour. Sorry, I know it might not be what you want to hear but if the majority of comments are saying the same thing maybe it's time to listen.

It's understandable in many ways that you don't want to blame your dad. You love him. You don't love this woman who came in to your life, and you owe her nothing. I wouldn't let your dislike of her permeate your life like this.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:06

Any normal woman would encourage their partner to be a good father not lead him away from it. Very messed up, I have been with a man with a son in the past and no way would I be able to stomach eating food my partner bought for me knowing he wasn't paying his child support. Wrong

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 03/12/2016 18:08

It's not her job to make him be a dad either!

Please stop trying to absolve all blame from your father

He is a lousy excuse of a dad and deserves every single ounce of blame.

Why are you not blaming him?

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:09

I never said I love my dad. I could go on about him being abusive towards me but don't want to drip feed. I'm mainly just confused how a partner can happily let that happen. Going through same thing ex with married woman who has a child and doesn't see his own basically newborn baby

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:12

Your dad really is a shit dad.
He'd be (and was) a shit dad before he married this woman.

I'm sorry you have such a shit dad

Soubriquet · 03/12/2016 18:13

Maybe your stepmum didn't know how bad it was?

But all the same, it isn't her job to force him to be a dad

You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2016 18:13

Any good father wouldn't be able to be diverted or distracted from being a good father... that is an irrefutable truth. He chose not to be. Actively made that choice, which is why I don't understand why you see him to be further emotionally kicked around by him. That's your choice and I understand your need for acceptance but you will never, ever get it from him.

Your father was not a good father and not a good husband. His now wife is completely irrelevant other than as serving as a distraction and target for your anger.

You can dislike her all you like and you're justified and validated by everyone in that, if that helps you.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:13

'Paid by someone else' yeah MY maternity pay because I have been in my job for 6 years. Wow. Not bitter just don't see why people who can't be arsed to earn their own living get it handed to them on a plate

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/12/2016 18:14

"domestic abusers have a great gift of playing the victim, and coming across as charming and salt-of-the-earth" this!

My dad also a violent alcoholic (including since he stopped drinking - read up on dry drunks).

They don't change.

She was horrible to you and that is unforgivable and nasty

BUT

HE was responsible for not paying maintenance. For not being in your life.

She more than likely was/is controlled by him and CERTAINLY is very unlikely to have been able to make him do anything!

You'd be better off without both of them to be honest and valuing and having a lovely time with your mum and stepdad who are the ones who've really supported you (financially and emotionally).

WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:15

It's none of your business what they spend their money on though, why are you so jealous of this woman?

WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:16

How do u know that it's not your dad ensuring she doesn't work?
He might like knowing where she is all the time? Who jnows

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2016 18:17

How on earth can you place so much emphasis on a woman who has no control over a grown man?

Does it need to be spelt out for you? That he just didn't and doesn't care about you? For all you know, your father's wife might have suggested to him that he should do something for you at some point - and he didn't. Even if the suggestion wasn't there, why would he not do something for his child?

I think you should get some RL professional help with this because unless you can come to terms with what has happened, your daughter is potentially in line to carry this burden just as you did... and no mother would want that for her child.

Beeziekn33ze · 03/12/2016 18:17

Get money for your baby from the 'sperm donor'. It's the baby's right.
Point out to 'super dad' that he now has a chance to help support his grandchild since he didn't bother to support his child.
It won't make up for it but could make your baby's life a little more comfortable.
Good luck with this precious pair, hope the next man in your life has a conscience!

JenBehavingBadly · 03/12/2016 18:18

Any normal woman would encourage their partner to be a good father.

You have no idea whatsoever what discussions may or may not have happened between them. Maybe she did, but he still didn't. Maybe he spun her a complete line. Maybe she's just not a very nice person. BUT, its still your Dad who is at fault here. Not her.