To dislike my Dad's wife?

[fairycherrypop]

Really long will try my best not to drip feed too much Might get flamed for this, who knows.

My Dad's wife has caused problems in my life ever since they got together. She's stopped him from seeing me and verbally abused me and my mum. Told me my dad didn't want me, love me etc. As I've now had a child of my own and been left by their useless sperm doner father I've been thinking about it a lot more and I can kind of relate to my own mother.

Basic background is dv towards my mum, serious alcoholic, never paid a penny and just left one day when I was a few months old. I rarely had contact with him up until I was old enough to decide for myself that I wanted to effectively meet him all over again since I have no memories of him from my childhood. By then he was in a relationship with his now wife. He was very flimsy with contact and never paid maintenance. The reason he gave my mum for not being able to give her anything was that he was paying for his wife's uni degree. This devasted me as a 12 year old, watching my mum scraping by and having barely any food to eat. She was extremely depressed and I helped her through it. It isn't anything someone so young so go through and my mental health has been effected by all of these events.

Fast forward 13 years and now my mum is happily married to a new man who makes her happy and has done a lot for me and my daughter. Over the years my dad has told me loads about the stress he's been under having to provide for his wife. It's been 10 years since she's completed her degree and she has managed to hold down only 4 jobs for no more than 3 months at a time. None of them were anything to do with her degree. I assume from this she hasn't repayed my dad for the uni fees. Luckily my dad has his own business now and has a fairly good wage. He sometimes helps me out if I'm low on money but it doesn't make it up to my mum for 18 years of child support. When I look at my own child I can't even think about using my money on other things before her food and necessities. No way could I pay for an unemployed person's uni degree knowing my child was going without food

Why would any woman with every ability to work and no reason to be at home (no kids) live off of a father who's not providing for his daughter and feel okay about it? I really really seethe when I think about her. I'm really not being U am I??

I think you're misdirecting your anger as well. To be honest, I couldn't be in contact with a father who allowed his ex-wife, mother of his child, go without food and have the child witness that.

Your dad's wife is immaterial, she really is. She took and takes whatever he gives. It was HIS choice to not pay your mother anything and I can't for the life of me see why you still have him (and therefore, her) in your life.

That's on you, not him. I imagine your mum keeps silent because she's a good mum. I'd be more outraged at the hand she's been dealt than the one you were because you had her, she had nobody. Put it in perspective and maybe count your blessings a bit?

Yeah I'm really going to leave my 6 week old baby to go and work. No I'm not going to deprive my daughter of her mother and father because of some fool arse not stepping up to financial responsibilities. Bloody hell

If they can live on one wage though, there's no reason why she has to work unless she wants to

What do his finances have to do with you now you are an adult? If he chooses a non working partner more fool him but you're past the age of parental support so what he spends his money on is down to him.

Why are you so obsessed with her work ethic when you are doing the same just somebody different is paying.

Thank you Sheldon

That's what I've been trying to ask but my brain isn't working properly at the moment

I'm on maternity pay, i am employed and am paying off my uni loan since no one paid for mine! if I was at work full time and overtime I would have a lot more money but I can't do that because my baby is 6 weeks old and needs to be with at least one of her parents?

You sound bitter and while some might think that is understandable it isn't healthy.

Your dad was a wimp. Accept it or walk away. Talk to him about your feelings if you want to try and make a relationship with him.

Make sure your child gets the maintenance they need. Divorce their dad and get counselling so that your child doesn't suffer though your father's inadequacies.

I don't understand your last post OP.

Are you saying that your child's father isn't paying for his child? What does that have to do with your father's wife exactly? It doesn't have anything to do with her - he was a bad father to you and she is/was nothing. There's nothing to say that he wouldn't have refused to support your mum anyway, new wife/uni fees or not.

I think you're sounding more jealous of her lifestyle really. Understandable I suppose to be a bit resentful but you really need to draw a line somewhere.

You're projecting. I suspect that it's less painful for you to blame everything on your Dads partner than to accept that he's a useless fucker who cared more about his girlfriend and himself than his own daughter.

I can totally understand why you're projecting. However, as painful as it is, the truth is that he badly let you down. It's him.you should be angry with.

You chose to go to uni and chose to have a child, both adult choices that need paying for.

You can return to work after maternity six weeks after birth. You don't want too but then can't moan about a lack of salary or spare money.

Is everyone going to ignore the fact that this unpleasant woman told a twelve year old girl her father didn't love her?

'm not going to deprive my daughter of her mother and father because of some fool arse not stepping up to financial responsibilities

You say this referring to your daughter's father - can you not see that 20 years ago your biological father was the "fool arse"?

If your father had married a high-flying lawyer (or doctor or architect - insert chosen profession here) he would STILL have reneged on child maintenance because he is a toad! It has nothing to do with his wife - she is his excuse, that's all. He is NOT a good man and he did not and does not care for you. (I know this is a very hurtful thing to say, but I believe it is true.) It suits him at the moment to charm the socks off you and to put the blame for his behaviour onto someone else.

I wish you could see this situation from where we are all sitting.

Lost, No, of course not but OP's beef seems to be about the financial side of things. Just how much money would compensate her for a vile thing that her dad's wife said? There is no amount of money...

Her father should have dealt with that. Did he know about the comment or not? Perhaps he did, he didn't care about OP's mother so every reason not to care about the OP either. He's a bad excuse for a father (I had one too), so why she even bothers with him is beyond my comprehension.

I'll answer the OP's question though. OP. You are not being unreasonable to dislike your father's wife. There.

Honestly, it sounds like you're mostly bitter about the fact that she doesn't work and your father provides for her while you don't have that financial security. That's not the right thing to be angry about.

Plenty of women don't work and are supported by their partners. That's the choices some people make. I'm also a single parent, it is hard work mentally and financially but I don't resent women who don't work and are supported by their partners.

Again, this is your father's fault. He has CHOSEN to support her financially. If he doesn't want to he doesn't have to.

No, we've said she's awful, they're both awful, why the contact.

I think you're getting a hard time here.

your dad has been an unreliable and irresponsible sod who's done a lot of damage.

But his wife sounds like a bitch.

It -is- your dad's responsibility how he behaves, but she could have made the situation better or worse and she made it worse. I do think you have good reason to be very, very angry with your dad and you should be, more than with her.

But that doesn't mean there isn't anger left over for her too.

Why do you want to have a relationship with a man that stole for 18 years from you?

because he's her dad and it really, really hurts when you get rejected. It takes a long time to get over that. Why does she want a relationship? because she's human.

Lost

It was a dreadful thing to say - but it doesn't make his actions any less culpable.

He is obviously (to me) "playing" the OP for his own ends. Who is to say that he hasn't been doing something similar with his wife? Blaming his daughter and her mother for his awful behaviour?

I din't think the wife sounds a particularly nice person, but no-one knows how he behaves or what he says when there are just the two of them. He is a manipulator.

You aren't just being unreasonable, you are being ridiculous.

It is perfectly normal for working partners to support non-working partners while they study or while their employment position is unstable. That is what normal partners do. So get over the fact that your dad supports his wife because by doing that, he is doing the right thing. Stop being ridiculous. Give it up, its hurting you and no-one else.

It isn't your business whether your father's wife works or not. Their arrangement has to suit them, not you.

Your dad and his wife aren't obliged to live their lives the way your mum and your step-dad do. To expect that is unreasonable. Stop having unreasonable expectations, then you won't have to feel bad about those expectations not being met.

About your dad and his lack of support for you and your mum - he was unreasonable in that. It was his responsibility, not his present wife's. He should have provided financial, practical and emotional support as part as his duty as a father - but he didn't. A lot of people don't. You have chosen to have contact with this man, knowing exactly what he was like. Your choice. To object to him being himself, now, is unreasonable.

Your dad's wife was unreasonable in verbally abusing you and saying hurtful things. Very unreasonable. Dislike her for that. She did it, it wasn't right.

I don't know how far your dad being a useless father influenced your choice of another useless man to be the father of your child. But if you did that, it wasn't anyone's fault, as such. You could have accessed counselling before conception and made a better choice, but people don't always do the best thing for themselves. But it is not your step-mother's fault, or even your dad's.

OK, maybe on consideration, you aren't being 'ridiculous' in every aspect of this. But you are being unreasonable to lump it all together and blame the woman for everything.

Stop trying to blame other people for your own problems. Focus on your own life and your own issues - get help for them and enjoy your life with your child.

You might want to move this to Relationships, fairy. You've had some honest and probably accurate opinions here (going on the events that you speak of) but also some people who seem more intent on criticising you than constructive feedback.

You aren't just being unreasonable, you are being ridiculous.

Christ, how bloody unkind to a single mother who's been let down badly by two men and the stepmother in her life.

Your Dad didn't pay maintenece to you because he was an arse, not because he was with someone who didn't work.

If he'd wanted to, he could have paid money. She was an excuse for him to be selfish, that's all. Nothing more, nothing less.

He could have said to her - You'll need to get a PT job as I can't afford to support you and my DD. Or, We'll have to tighten our belts while you do your degree as I still need to pay for my DD.

But he didn't. He chose not to support you. Him, not her. She has no reason to support you whatsoever. You were not her child and he was your estranged father, rather than someone you had a close relationship with.

She may well be the most horrible person in the world, but this isn't her fault for not working. Its your Dad's fault for being a selfish arsehole who decided abandon, and then not support his Daughter, even though he was perfectly capable of doing so.

SeaEagle, you're free to disagree but OP has lots going for her - a mother and step-father who ARE helping out and being supportive.

I really don't think that it's helpful to pander to the notion that all ire must be directed to her father's wife (and I think OP would resent you referring to her as 'stepmother', btw). OP's father was horrendous, a bad excuse for a husband and father and, if OP is going to get any kind of resolution to her feelings then it's he who needs to be challenge on his behaviour to the OP.

If you haven't been there then I'm happy for you. Some of us here, have, so please don't be dismissive of our posts, it's annoying.

People will post their true thoughts no matter the topic.

Oh I really have been there.

Flappys got it right.

You are entitled to dislike your father's wife because she said nasty things to you. That's valid.

But (IMO) why should you dislike her because of a choice your father made. Unless you haven't told us something he is the one who decided not to pay support. He is the one who decided to pay for her tuition and make it possible for her not to work. And even if she blackmailed or threatened him, it is still him who make the final decision, not her.

You're taking your anger out on the wrong person.

And BTW, the decision for a member of a couple to stay home is a decision that every couple is entitled to make. Whether or not they have children is absolutely irrelevant.