To dislike my Dad's wife?

[fairycherrypop]

Really long will try my best not to drip feed too much Might get flamed for this, who knows.

My Dad's wife has caused problems in my life ever since they got together. She's stopped him from seeing me and verbally abused me and my mum. Told me my dad didn't want me, love me etc. As I've now had a child of my own and been left by their useless sperm doner father I've been thinking about it a lot more and I can kind of relate to my own mother.

Basic background is dv towards my mum, serious alcoholic, never paid a penny and just left one day when I was a few months old. I rarely had contact with him up until I was old enough to decide for myself that I wanted to effectively meet him all over again since I have no memories of him from my childhood. By then he was in a relationship with his now wife. He was very flimsy with contact and never paid maintenance. The reason he gave my mum for not being able to give her anything was that he was paying for his wife's uni degree. This devasted me as a 12 year old, watching my mum scraping by and having barely any food to eat. She was extremely depressed and I helped her through it. It isn't anything someone so young so go through and my mental health has been effected by all of these events.

Fast forward 13 years and now my mum is happily married to a new man who makes her happy and has done a lot for me and my daughter. Over the years my dad has told me loads about the stress he's been under having to provide for his wife. It's been 10 years since she's completed her degree and she has managed to hold down only 4 jobs for no more than 3 months at a time. None of them were anything to do with her degree. I assume from this she hasn't repayed my dad for the uni fees. Luckily my dad has his own business now and has a fairly good wage. He sometimes helps me out if I'm low on money but it doesn't make it up to my mum for 18 years of child support. When I look at my own child I can't even think about using my money on other things before her food and necessities. No way could I pay for an unemployed person's uni degree knowing my child was going without food

Why would any woman with every ability to work and no reason to be at home (no kids) live off of a father who's not providing for his daughter and feel okay about it? I really really seethe when I think about her. I'm really not being U am I??

I think you need to come to terms with the fact your father isn't going to be able to support you the way you would like. Not now, not ever. Regardless of his wife or not. She owes nothing to you.

You need to build a life independent from all your parents and deal with the hangups. Its all about you and your little one now. Detach and refocus your energies and let all the past go.

I think this thread should be removed. OP appears to be in a vulnerable state right now.

OP, honestly I would consider going NC with them if you feel strong enough to do so.

My own father is not a nice man - he never paid maintenance and put his own criminal activities above his children (I am the eldest, his other children are with different women and I am the only one who is NC with him). I last saw him when I was 11 years old and got a surprise as an adult when I got a Facebook friend request from his new wife (his third) who "wanted to get to know" me. She immediately got blocked but not before I'd had a quick nosey and found out that he was in fact, in prison again. Lost count of how many times. Very saddened to see that even in his 50s he has still not changed his life for the better.

Bottom line is, some people just don't learn their lesson. Some people will make every excuse going for mistakes that they make. And sometimes we're just better off without these people in our lives.

I do feel for you but I do think you could do without so much stress in your life, especially with a newborn. I'd leave this selfish pair to their own devices.

Hello

Your little girl only needs you. Not designer clothes, that won't fit next month?

You can not change what has happened with your father. He made his own -shite- choices. He chose to marry and fund a university degree for his wife over providing for his child.

Please ask for some help re your low mood. When you feel more balanced then look into having some cognative behaviour therapy to break this cycle of blame. It will take time and effort on your part. It might be an idea to put your father on temporary pause until you feel able to deal with him.

1. Address your low mood
2. Stop buying inanimate objects to suppress what's really going on
3. Put your father on PAUSE
4. Look at the bigger picture once your mood is more balanced

The rest will fall into place once the above is sorted.

You're overcompensating for a shitty childhood by buying beautiful things, striving for perfection. And that's fine. You need to do this. Doing this is bringing up a surge of unresolved feelings. It's entirely normal to feel how you're feeling. Yes this woman sounds horrible. Yes your father was horrible and shit. You've just given birth to your beautiful baby and it's knocked you around. The same thing happened to me when dd got to 4 months. Keep raging, shed some tears. It will pass.

Your father sounds awful and abusive and in a screwed up relationship. You give the impression you think his partner is largely responsible for his meanness towards you. Yet since he has been with her, you say he has ceased to be an alcoholic and has given up smoking. She can't have been that bad an influence on him, therefore. Do you really think, given the fact he was a drunken, violent abuser when he was with your mother, and chose to leave you, that he would have been any more generous to you if his partner had not existed? Somehow, I doubt it. He would merely have found a different excuse to be a lousy bastard, but might have had the courtesy to die of cirrhosis of the liver, too. Yes, she is an awful woman for not trying to persuade your appalling father to do the right thing by his child, but given the way you describe her, she does not sound particularly mentally healthy or employable. In fact, the two of them sound like deeply inadequate people who just about manage to keep each other going. It's a good thing you are not like them as hopefully that will enable you to cope better with life than they do.

Are you okay OP?

We are all here for you....
when you have your own child it amplifies things if you had a not brilliant childhood yourself.
I had a paranoid schizophrenic for a father who was violent and mentally cruel to us and a mother who did nothing to stop him. She comes with her own Louis Vuitton amount of baggage.
I tried to 'buy' my sons happiness as we lived either in poverty or the opposite depending on my dad's mental state and it took years for me to work out 'things' did not make them happy.
Having me there did. And normality. I have brought them up by myself.
You will never get over what your dad has done but hopefully you will come to terms with it and have peace.
You have achieved a lot. Blame could be laid at all the adults in your life when you were a child for different reasons. Don't let it shape you though..... leave it behind.

IT sounds like you have worked really hard to make a good life for yourself and your baby. Well done. You are reflecting on the role other people have had in your life, which isn't unusual at your stage in life. It sounds as though your DF behaved badly as a husband and father. He then went on to set up with someone else who is just as self centred as him. Those of us who are responsible and motivated find it hard to understand those who are not.

Try not to let it dominate your thinking- you have better things to think about. Just be glad you are better than them!

OP, I do think you sound as if you're having a difficult time at the moment, and it does sound like you'd be better off not seeing your dad and his wife again, at least until you're on a bit more of an even keel.

You've just had a baby, which is a huge thing in anyone's life, but even more so if you're doing it all on your own and it's raking up feelings about your own childhood that are troubling for you. If you're feeling distressed or anxious or having mood swings, how about talking to your GP or health visitor? It's obvious you adore your daughter and want to be the best possible mum for her, and I'm sure you will be - but that means you have to look after yourself too, which sometimes means asking for some help.

Your daughter doesn't care if her clothes are Ted Baker or whether they're Primark - she'd be happy wrapped in a blanket at this point in her life! All you're doing by buying her designer things is trying to make a point to other people. You are the thing that matters to your daughter, not her clothes - you are her entire world right now and her constant source of comfort and care, so take care of yourself, do everything you can to stay well and make sure you ask for help if it's all a bit overwhelming. (Also, return the £50 rug and buy yourself some leggings that don't have holes in them - you deserve better than clothes with holes in!)

OP - like others I think you may have undiagnosed PND - or even post-partum psychosis. You are fixated on the woman and will just become increasingly ill if you can't get past this obsession (that's not too strong a word).

Please, please, go to your GP and ask for help - there is so much available now. You don't have to suffer alone.

In giving your baby only the "best", you are trying to parent yourself, I think. When you were a child, your father was absent, your mother was depressed and exhausted - you missed the safe loving environment every child needs (not that I think your mother was unloving - on the contrary, she's obviously struggled to give you as much as she could, but she couldn't give much).

Please do't put too much store on your father's will leaving everything to you, for many reasons

1. He might be lying
2. He is probably not very old and could live another 40 years
3. Wills can be changed - again, and again, and again!

He hasn't been a very reliable person in the past, and I doubt he will be in future. Only you can decide whether you want him in your life, but if he's there, she will be too. I think you let him into your life he will hurt you again - worse, he will hurt your daughter. If he stays in your life he may even poison your relationship with your child.

I really don't know what to say - I feel that you are grieving - for the childhood you never had, and the father should have been, and this has hit one to you because as a new mother your hormones are going wild, and you are emotionally and mentally very very vulnerable.

I suffered terrible PND myself after both of my babies - it's horrific - and I was the only person who couldn't see that I was ill. Your perception becomes twisted an distorted and you really think that you have a handle on things, but you haven't - you are actually falling off a cliff.

Please see your GP - and don't have anyone in your home that you don't want because it will make you more and more upset and anxious.

Oh OP, you need a break. And like all new mums, there are no breaks to be had!

I think NC is the way to go, really I do. If your father and his wife have nothing positive to contribute to your and your daughter's well-being (and I don't mean financially) then there is no point in having them around. I won't have people around me who don't add something positive to my life or make me feel happy. You are entitled to do the same.

Someone above mentioned having this thread deleted. It's pretty clear that you were in a 'bad space' when you started it. Now that you've worked the frustrations out, you may want to think about it.

fairycherrypop, I agree with everyone who is saying your Dad had a choice and you do not know the true circumstances of their relationship. Like you I had a Dad who let me down and a Step Mum who was very cruel to me but you won't move on from this by staying in the victim mode and constantly looking at how unfair it all is. It doesn't surprise me that your marriage has broken down aswell as we often marry someone who will help us deal with out trauma from our childhood. The question here is are you ready to move on from this and find some peace? If so there are lots of things you can do but at the end of the day you cannot change either of them. You can only find peace by changing your attitude towards the situation, dealing with your emotions and this may include writing or talking to each of them and telling them how you feel, and then choosing how you move forwards. I know how tough this all is but your only way to move forward is to accept them as they are and get help for yourself. I cannot remember the name of the book but there is s lady called Penny Parks who had written a wonderful book on how to heal from childhood abuse and trauma. It may be a good place for you to start when you are ready.

Unfortunately OP people rarely change. At least they only change when they WANT to change. And even then it takes a lot of work and soul searching. My father has always wanted it to be all about him. He's still a small child wanting to be looked after even though now he's quite old. He had enough about him to support his family financially but then he stayed with my mother, so not sure what he would have been like if he had found someone else. Probably have run off into the sunset drinking cocktails and not looking back. Emotionally though he's never given any of us a moment's thought, said or done anything to support, care for or offer guidance. That is his choice. I have grown up with both parents not giving me love or emotional support. But I had a choice and my choice was to give my children the emotional care and guidance I didn't have. My father didn't make the same choice. Your father didn't either. Even if he had supported you financially, you'd still have had the gaping hole that is left from not having been nourished by a loving parent. However, it sounds like your mother has done as much as she could to make up for his shortcomings. In the future, try to resolve your issues with your father, not by picking someone like him, but by choosing someone who will be the opposite of him. Look to your stepfather as a role model, not your father. Good counselling would help you to resolve some of those issues. Good luck OP.

My heart goes out to you. I'm divorced, three children, their father pays 1p. month child maintenance. It's been a struggle. He CAN afford more, he's got an off shore trust fund... I'm in a relationship with a divorced father of 2, we don't live together. When he told me his ex wife, the mother of his children, had sent an angry message because his child support payment to her was late I lost it with him. HOW could he put the mother of his children through a moment of distress or not prioritise his contributions to the children she must prioritise as the resident parent on a day to day basis? He has never been late in paying child support since, and if he was he'd be a single man again. We are ALL responsible for the wellbeing of children, and it is not acceptable for any one to encourage, or assist a parent from failing to fulfil their obligations to provide for their children .