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AIBU?

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Original poster

To dislike my Dad's wife?

140 replies

fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 16:45

Really long will try my best not to drip feed too muchBlush Might get flamed for this, who knows.

My Dad's wife has caused problems in my life ever since they got together. She's stopped him from seeing me and verbally abused me and my mum. Told me my dad didn't want me, love me etc. As I've now had a child of my own and been left by their useless sperm doner father I've been thinking about it a lot more and I can kind of relate to my own mother.

Basic background is dv towards my mum, serious alcoholic, never paid a penny and just left one day when I was a few months old. I rarely had contact with him up until I was old enough to decide for myself that I wanted to effectively meet him all over again since I have no memories of him from my childhood. By then he was in a relationship with his now wife. He was very flimsy with contact and never paid maintenance. The reason he gave my mum for not being able to give her anything was that he was paying for his wife's uni degree. This devasted me as a 12 year old, watching my mum scraping by and having barely any food to eat. She was extremely depressed and I helped her through it. It isn't anything someone so young so go through and my mental health has been effected by all of these events.

Fast forward 13 years and now my mum is happily married to a new man who makes her happy and has done a lot for me and my daughter. Over the years my dad has told me loads about the stress he's been under having to provide for his wife. It's been 10 years since she's completed her degree and she has managed to hold down only 4 jobs for no more than 3 months at a time. None of them were anything to do with her degree. I assume from this she hasn't repayed my dad for the uni fees. Luckily my dad has his own business now and has a fairly good wage. He sometimes helps me out if I'm low on money but it doesn't make it up to my mum for 18 years of child support. When I look at my own child I can't even think about using my money on other things before her food and necessities. No way could I pay for an unemployed person's uni degree knowing my child was going without foodHmm

Why would any woman with every ability to work and no reason to be at home (no kids) live off of a father who's not providing for his daughter and feel okay about it? I really really seethe when I think about her. I'm really not being U am I??

OP posts:
EnormousTiger · 03/12/2016 18:19

I didn't cvlaim maternity pay and I worked instead at your stage so we could turn that round to I as a tax payer am support you not being at work. Many of us single mothers work full time and support our children alone through our jobs without taking any benefits nor payments from men.

However most of us will agree with you that both parents should contribute economically to all their children from all relationships. It is what good people do. It has nothing to do with your step mother however. It sounds like your father and your baby's father are pretty similar and both are awful losers who don't pay and don't play much of a role. Luckily there are many good men and women around in the UK who put in the donkey work with children and financially support them.

ThatStewie · 03/12/2016 18:20

Disliking her for the way she treated you is reasonable and justified.

However, your father is the violent alcoholic who allowed his child to live in poverty by refusing to maintenance. That is child neglect and is abuse.he is solely responsible for his choice to be financially abusive.

As angry as you are with your fathers new wife, she isn't the one who abandoned you.

It is understandable that with a new baby whose father has equally abdicated responsibility that you are revisiting your fathers choices. You do need to remember that his choices are only that: his choices. His current wife didn't make him walk out when you were a child. She didn't make him neglect you. And she isn't responsible for his financial abuse.

viques · 03/12/2016 18:20

It seems to me the person you are really angry about is your child's father.

Your relationship, or not, with your father and stepmother is one thing, but it is mostly in the past and you need to focus on your relationship with your child and your former partner and building that into something that will ensure that your child is not writing a similar post in twenty years time.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:23

Or does it not occur to any of you that she might be a deranged jealous psychopath. There is a lot more backstory but didn't want to say before as might be accused as a troll because it is pretty unbelievable. She proposed to him, he never wanted to get married. They didn't get married until 4 years after says it all! He didn't want to upset her by saying no. He has a prenup, everything goes to me nothing to her. He rents so no home for her to inherit. She is only with him for his money and he is only with her because he feels he cannot get anyone else. He is obese and she was too but she has lost all of her weight so could potentially try and leave him with some of his money now she feels more confident. I have a psychology degree. I really didn't want to have to type all that onto here but want to prove I'm not some jealous little brat this woman is really not right

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:24

Wasn't on the 29th of Feb either😂

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:25

That doesn't change anything.
Your dad is the one who left you, not her

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 18:25

ducks for cover

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:25

He wasn't married to my mum, I am also not married please don't assume

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:26

He and my mum discussed prenup they have made sure she will not continue to take his money after his death

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:27

Or if they divorce

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:27

Why is he discussing it with your Mum?
Weirder and weirder

WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:28

Or are you talking about your step dad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2016 18:28

He wouldn't have married her if he didn't agree to or want to.

  1. They didn't rush into marriage.
  2. He could have said no at any time and you are a fool to think otherwise.
  3. He has left you money in his will - so focus on your relationship instead perhaps?

This wasn't a drip feed it was a torrential downpour and material to your thread. Why not post it at the start, hmm?

Sorry but your psychology degree hasn't done anything for you. You're sounding more and more unreasonable and irrational and I'm out.

I wish your daughter all the luck in the world.

littlesallyracket · 03/12/2016 18:30

Any normal woman would encourage their partner to be a good father not lead him away from it.

Your dad has really led you up the garden path here, hasn't he?

She didn't stop him from being a good dad. He never wanted to be a good dad, and he's used his wife as excuse. You've been duped.

Not bitter just don't see why people who can't be arsed to earn their own living get it handed to them on a plate

Every couple has a right to decide what they do with their finances. it's their business, not yours. You're an adult now with a job, so your dad wouldn't be now expected to support you financially anyway, whether he was married to someone or not.

Moreover, if you're struggling with money it's because your baby's dad left you, not because your dad is married to a woman you don't like.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2016 18:32

You have it right there op, I would have zero expectations of this man or sperm donor you call a father, used very loosely. He has not been a father to you at all, it does not seem like he adds any value to your life, I would even consider going no contact with him.

Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:33

Because I was still a child when they married? She proposed 2 months in. This is bloody ridiculous. Can none of you read? If a woman was writing this about her husband living off her (with no child support involved) he'd get called a cocklodger and flamed for not working, just because she's got a womb doesn't mean she can get away with not contributing to society. I'll just quit my job and find a rich man and then I'll be normal right?😂

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:34

In sure your psychology degree covered projection.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2016 18:35
Original poster
fairycherrypop · 03/12/2016 18:35

He didn't want her to leave him so he said yes. He told my mum that when he said they were engaged. I was 13.

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:35

Your right, if she was living off YOU
But she isn't, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 03/12/2016 18:36

When we have our own kids that's when it hits us hard if our own parents weren't the best. Do you think now you have your own child you are finding it hard to accept how poorly you were treated by your dad and his wife as a child?
Sorry your baby's dad is being a twat too, its bloody hard being a single mum xx

WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:36

Did she 'make him' leave your mum too?!? Confused

Bambamrubblesmum · 03/12/2016 18:37

Sorry but I think your dad has fed you a stream of self serving bullshit, hence why I said I'm wondering what he has said to her. Your dad isn't a victim in all this.

Your Psychology degree is irrelevant. You are not seeing this situation objectively. You are looking for a punch bag because you are pissed off with your ex. Completely understandable but not reasonable.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 18:38

"I'm mainly just confused how a partner can happily let that happen"

I fail to understand how she can control your dad and make him do something he clearly doesn't want to do himself.

It's an awful situation for you but it's your dad's fault. 100%.

Helsinkimorning · 03/12/2016 18:38

Your father let you down OP. Your step mother may be a nasty piece of work, but she is only in your life because of choices your father made.

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