AIBU to think no one has come out of this looking great?

[ilostdoryintheocean]

Really need help. DS is 11, and has been excluded for swearing at a member of staff. I don't condone his actions AT ALL - but I have been concerned about this TA for a while and I feel awful as I feel I should have spoken up for him earlier.

So here is the situation, DS has had a lot of early childhood trauma and he shows many autistic traits but has not been formally diagnosed. He colours in as a way of calming himself down but knows he needs to stop colouring and start work when the teacher has finished talking. Sometimes he refuses. The teacher then sends him outside to calm down (it's pointless confronting him.) The teacher has been really good with him.

The TA hates his colouring and shouts at him to stop. He then shouts back. It then turns into a shouting match. On Friday he told her to fuck off and that her breath stank. she is understandably furious but AIBU to wish she'd just back off him a bit, she really does seem to have it in for him a bit?

Zolf There is a lot less of this awful behaviour from kids in private and grammars schools, because unlike state schools they can get rid/ refuse to take pupils who behave like the OP's son. That's the difference

OP, are you planning to go in and speak to the head again to tell them you do not wish for staff to get in your son's face and shout at him? You do know you can speak to the chair of governors if you feel the head's response is unsatisfactory, don't you?

You surely aren't going to let this lie?

So the kids that society has already fucked up get excluded for behaving the only way they know how, get no support at school so leave without any qualifications and spend the rest of their adult lives on disability benefits, floating in and out of a mental health system that neither has the time or resources to be able to support long term trauma?

Great...

OP- But what is she doing to make sure that the TA doesn't do the same thing again? Has the SENCO made it clear to the TA that your son is not to he disturbed whilst colouring? Why hasn't the teacher agreed that the behaviour of the TA was wrong and should not be repeated? If a TA in my classroom yelled in the face of a child they would not be back in my classroom until I was confident that they understood the child's needs and understood how to deal with them appropriately. I just can't imagine ever saying to a parent "Ms X got into your child's face and shouted." and then not following it up with some sort of assurance that I would ensure it didn't happen again.

I am now being made to feel this is all my fault.

Thank you for your answers. I'll leave it there now I think.

Ok, so you aren't going to take this any further.

That's a shame - I think you owe it to your son.

Don't you say that to me, you have no idea what I do for that boy, no idea.

I don't think it's your fault and hope I haven't given that impression. I've taken you at your word and I think that as you have described it you've been fobbed off by the nice teacher. I think it's right that your son was excluded for the outburst but you would be well within your rights to insist on the school doing more to meet his needs in future and prevent repeats of this situation.

OP hugs this is not your fault, at all in any way. the school needs to make sure that a traumatised child has appropriate support. shouting at someone with trauma issues is never appropriate. everybody else should google "sympathetic parasympathetic nervous system trauma" the child was clearly under extreme stress

It's not about what you do for him - of course no-one knows that as you haven't given that information.

It's about you being so upset at how a school has dealt with your son that you've come on to post about it, yet are unwilling to exercise your right as a parent to escalate it to the chair of governors when you get an unsatisfactory response from the head teacher. I think people will wonder what will happen to avoid this situation repeating itself.

I am now being made to feel that this is my fault Yep, maybe have a think about that.
I have asked you lots of times if you talked to your son about abusing members of school staff, and you haven't replied!

Here's my take on it.

You are not in the wrong OP. However I think you may be reacting to this emotionally (which is understandable).

You say your son has trauma and behavioural problems but has not got a formal diagnosis. Given this recent situation can you pursue a diagnosis? Take him to the Dr and discuss with him his behaviour and what you think may be going on. They can refer for assessment.

If he does receive a formal diagnosis or undergoes therapy the school will be notified of this and measures will be taken to reduce the likelihood of situations like this happening again.

How do you know for sure that the TA got in his face and shouted at him? If you suspect this I would go in to school to make a complaint about it so it can be investigated.

petitpois it DOESN'T MATTER if she talked to the child. Even if she had it is very likely that the child would have given the right answers and then still behaved in the same way. The child's behaviour was likely not a rational response. In a similar situation I would have become catatonic and it would have taken them hours to bring me back. Trauma causes brain damage

If your son has childhood trauma, autistic traits and Sen then it's clearly an ongoing long term problem. There must be strategies already in place if the teacher and senco have decided that colouring is what works? Is the TA new to the class? Is there a reason that senco and teacher would not have relayed to her the information on how best to deal with him?

I think you need to accept the punishment for this incident and then sit down with the head, senco, teacher and ta and have a clear written plan of how to proceed so this situation doesn't happen again. And it definitely sounds like there should be other professionals involved.

Your son also needs to know that his behaviour, whilst possibly understandable, is definitely unacceptable.

If however all the above has already been done, then yes you need to make a complaint about the TA's actions.

grammer schools are not hampered like state schools, and can exclude pupils for unaccecable and antonsocial behaviour.

Petit - grammar schools ARE state schools, and are run according to the same rules.

OP - I think YABU and YANBU.

It is totally unacceptable for your 11yo ds - who has no formal SEN diagnosis - to speak like that to a member of staff - or anyone - and he should be punished for it.

If you think he has SEN, then you need to be pushing for a diagnosis.

How do you know the TA 'shouts and gets too close'? Are you in class with them?

It sounds like you hate the TA and aren;t supporting the school in this.

The teacher must have been lying when she described the TA getting in his face and shouting, then.

If this did happen then the teacher should be having words with the TA about her behaviour then. If she's intimidated by the TA she needs to take it to the SLT or her line manager/HOD.

If the TA really did this, then the OP, would be taking it further!!

And you obviously hate the TA Op., for having the termedity to stand up to your sons name calling, and aggression.

I work in a school, and we would PERMANENTLY exclude for this. If a child drops something and says "oh shit", they would be told off. If they DIRECTLY swear at an adult as your son did, they would be out. But then I work in a private school, and we don't have to put up with bratty children.

Frankly, I doubt this. IME private schools aren't that eager to lose the money each child brings with them. Plus, of course, they are subject to the Equality Act in the same way as everyone else.

petit Give it a rest. Now you're acting like the TA is the innocent party who's been subjected to random abuse by OP's son? Get thee to the grip shop.

I feel more sorry for the TA in this scenario., having to deal with this kind of shit on a regular basis,.

This is a child with additional needs FFS. Some of you just can't wait to have a dig.

If the teacher's goal is same as OP's, to change the child's behaviour for the better, then appropriate consequences rather than punishment are likely to be more effective. No shouting needed Doubtful that exclusion is best way of teaching more respectful behaviour

YABU. If he's disabled you owe it to him to get him diagnosed, so he can then get "special" treatment. As things stand, he's disobeying the instructions of his teaching assistant, telling her to "fuck off" and then insulting her personal hygiene - he has no recognised medical condition therefore he is being a disruptive pupil. No more, no less.

The teaching staff owe it to the other children to remove or otherwise deal with such a disruptive individual. Why should your child get special treatment when there is officially nothing wrong with him? More importantly, what sort of message does it send to the other children that he can get away with this behaviour?

Get him diagnosed. Then he will be treated differently, not before. As things stand, he sounds like a teacher's nightmare! As usual, the parent backs up their child when they are punished for unacceptable behaviour and as usual, the parent blames the teacher or their assistant instead of dealing with their own child's bad attitude.

Get him diagnosed.

Op, sorry you are dealing with this. Complex situation. The teacher should be able to manage her class and students how she thinks best, with support from the TA.

I hope something is resolved for your DS.

AIBU really is not the place to discuss children recovering from trauma 'acting out ' in school, and I think you have fallen foul of that.