AIBU to think no one has come out of this looking great?

[ilostdoryintheocean]

Really need help. DS is 11, and has been excluded for swearing at a member of staff. I don't condone his actions AT ALL - but I have been concerned about this TA for a while and I feel awful as I feel I should have spoken up for him earlier.

So here is the situation, DS has had a lot of early childhood trauma and he shows many autistic traits but has not been formally diagnosed. He colours in as a way of calming himself down but knows he needs to stop colouring and start work when the teacher has finished talking. Sometimes he refuses. The teacher then sends him outside to calm down (it's pointless confronting him.) The teacher has been really good with him.

The TA hates his colouring and shouts at him to stop. He then shouts back. It then turns into a shouting match. On Friday he told her to fuck off and that her breath stank. she is understandably furious but AIBU to wish she'd just back off him a bit, she really does seem to have it in for him a bit?

They were her actual words?

Silence thank you. That is a brilliant idea. I think that would work. Yes the colouring in is arranged between the teacher (who is brilliant) and the SENCO. There's also another TA whois very good.

So the teacher said that the TA got close and shouted at him?

It seems strange that she just allowed this to happen if she disagreed with it.

Whos actual words?

The class teacher told you the TA gets in his face and shouts at him?

Why on earth have you not been to see the head teacher to tell them what the teacher has told you?

She told me what happened, she didn't say at any point I disagree with it she just explained how it built up.

OP I know you're stressed and that you owe nothing to strangers on the internet. But you're not doing yourself any favours by repeatedly coming back just to insist that the TA was unreasonable and intimidating and shouting in his face without telling how you know this to be a fact, without addressing the issues raised by many posters about getting a formal plan in place, whether he is listening to the teacher while colouring and if not how does he follow instructions.

It's none of our business but you asked for help, people are trying to give it but you're just repeating your line about the TA, not discussing anything else that's relevant

Okay

I am told DS is in trouble and is going to be excluded

Obviously ask what happened.

The teacher told me.

CanI just remind you I've had loads of people aggressively demanding how I know what happened (and yes my DS did tell me as well but as we know all children lie so we don't listen to them) and his account tallys with the teacher.

Harder, I have answered the question. How dare you not bother to read my posts then take that patronising tone with me?

Yes, I think exclusion is overkill here. Of course he shouldn't have sworn at her. But it sounds to me as though she is quite "old school" and thinks he should just pull his socks up and get over it

It's irrelevant whether the TA is "old school". It won't have been her who decided on the sanction.

I dare because you only answered on page 4, cross posted with me

How dare you accuse me of being patronising?

It sounds like TA and teacher aren't singing from the same hymn sheet. It would stress me out if I was allowed to do a thing and then someone else shouted at me to stop.

If I was the child I'd probably react by crying, but then I've been raised in a certain way due to being female, so I could see how a boy who's been through trauma might respond with aggression.

It does sound like CMHT being involved might be a good idea, as aggression can get a lot worse around puberty and he might get into fights with peers.

harder you did give OP a patronising dressing down for not immediately answering your questions. She has been very good at replying throughout the thread in my view.

The class teacher has told you that the TA shouted in his face!! really?

In that case, why haven't you and the teacher told the people concerned?

I don't know what you mean by "the people concerned."

A teacher or TA shouting at a child is not to my knowledge a disciplinary offence. Certainly when the Headteacher described it to me she didn't seem perturbed by it.

I'm upset the whole thing has happened and I think it could have been avoided.

So trying to understand that the OP is stressed by the situation and acknowledge that we don't have a right to answers is patronising?!

Ffs

I give up

Pmsl at the private school with no bratty kids!
There are "bratty" kids in every school and also people as ignorant and nasty as you.

How did your post help the op at all? Once I read that sentence it was clear you had nothing constructive to say. God help the children if you're a teacher.

Glad my darling daughter has to slum it in the requires improvement primary she goes to with lovely staff.

I'm absoloutely shocked that the OP is justifying this. Your DS is aggressive. The exclusion should have even permenant

DS's behaviour was aggressive

She didn't seemed perturbed by it So it obviously wasn't an issue, and not out of the ordinary for a TA to ' shout' at someone who was behaving like your son.
Have you told your son it's not ok to abuse school staff??

A teacher or TA shouting at a child is not to my knowledge a disciplinary offence.

Unless you've read the staff code of conduct policy you won't know that. In any case, it's not acceptable to you or your son, and it led to him swearing at a member of staff and making an unpleasant personal comment to her. So you need to get it resolved to avoid this happening again.

I don't understand how a teacher who is brilliant would stand by and watch a TA shout directly into the face of a child with additional needs. That she then told you that this has happened without disagreeing with it or telling you what was being put in place to make sure it never happens again is shocking. Surely the TA needs to be dealt with? What sort of school openly admits their staff shout in the faces of troubled children without taking action to prevent it from happening again?

She was on the other side of the room Fuzzy. Giving DS some space. In other words helping the situation.

The issue is that what the OP is describing as the effects "childhood trauma" would likely be diagnosed as a mental illness if it presented in an adult (PTSD, complex PTSD, possibly a dissociative disorder of some sort). Prolonged or severe childhood trauma can cause huge amounts of, in some cases irreversible, damage which can lead to behaviour that is a good deal more self/other destructive than swearing at a TA. The fact that the child has found a coping mechanism that works for them ought to be praised not vilified-it often takes adults with similar histories many many years of dangerous behaviour to get to the same stage.

DS's behaviour was aggressive
TA behaviour was intimidating
Both could learn from each other more effective means to deal with the situation. We have so much we can learn from children with special needs, as we are often flawed ourselves, too, with ineffective coping patterns that we could much improve for the best for all