AIBU to think no one has come out of this looking great?

[ilostdoryintheocean]

Really need help. DS is 11, and has been excluded for swearing at a member of staff. I don't condone his actions AT ALL - but I have been concerned about this TA for a while and I feel awful as I feel I should have spoken up for him earlier.

So here is the situation, DS has had a lot of early childhood trauma and he shows many autistic traits but has not been formally diagnosed. He colours in as a way of calming himself down but knows he needs to stop colouring and start work when the teacher has finished talking. Sometimes he refuses. The teacher then sends him outside to calm down (it's pointless confronting him.) The teacher has been really good with him.

The TA hates his colouring and shouts at him to stop. He then shouts back. It then turns into a shouting match. On Friday he told her to fuck off and that her breath stank. she is understandably furious but AIBU to wish she'd just back off him a bit, she really does seem to have it in for him a bit?

For goodness sake, Trifle, clearly the school has evidence, hence the adjustments the class teacher is putting in place. Plus they will have information about the relevant background circumstances that led to his adoption and, no doubt, full information from the OP about his anxiety and other difficulties. Or should they automatically disbelieve his parents?

Francis what a lovely thing to say. Thank you.

Thank you duty. Stat strong and find the right way forward.

Just for the record, for anykthers reading here. We have had excellent post adoption support and theraplay, which have helped immensely for our adopted so. (young than your son).

Xxxxx

My sister ( no special needs or trauma ) had a teacher when she was about 9 who shouted all the time and it really affected her.

It's a horrible way to treat children.
Why couldn't the TA just have said kindly " come on now Jonny ,its time to put down your colouring and join in with what the teacher has asked the class to do " ?

I don't think the headteacher or the teacher felt it would be professional to criticise the TA.

OP I have had that with a teacher and the HT supporting the teacher right up to the end even though the teacher was VERY VERY wrong.
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon either.

Because it was a small school and a teacher, I found there was no other solution than moving my dcs to a different school. With a school a bit bigger or if it had been abouta TA, I would have taken very clear written notes and what has happened, send an email to the HT making a summary of what had been discussed during the meeting and then send said letters to the Governors of the school.
If you stay at the level of 'there is nothing else I can do', this will just carry on and n during the whle year which will be very distressing for your dc.
They can easily swap two TA of they really dont want to say a word to the TA involved. But seeing that the teacher and the HT actually agreed that the TA was acting in a way that wasn't acceptable (you dont go into a child space when you know they cannot cope with it), I think you have all the things you need to really DEMAND more is done.
I would also check and recheck what sort of action plan is in place for him in that sort of situation and how he is to be directed in the classroom. And check that said plan is put in place (Involve the HT, the teacher and the SENCO and ask for regular review meetings)

ilostdory

My role within education is to train staff within county on how to stop and de escalate situations. It's designed to decrease the number of aggressive incidents.
I would certainly say approaching a child with known autistic/attachment type difficulties who's burying their head and being demanding and getting close is counter productive and the catalyst for his reaction.

We teach that in this circumstance the ideal solution and the one that works best is giving choice. Giving the student a way out. Be that a timer to colour for 2 more minutes, or a walk around the playground or something.

In one the cases where Ds swore at the teacher it didn't need to go as far. My Ds is autistic. He was playing rounders and got hit on the head by the ball. She yelled "run". Fair enough, her job was to referee the game. However my Ds can only do rules - so said no, it's a no ball, ball must be between my knee and shoulder height. Instead of saying ok and for bowler to bowl again she started with the confrontation of she said run so he should run. There ensued a battle where Ds refused because of the rules. Until he's sobbing uncontrollably and she told him to get a grip. So he threw the bat at her and told her to fuck off.

Like you I accepted the exclusion for his part. But I made it clear the adult should have been the one to take control and she shouldn't have escalated it when she could see him getting upset - knowing his reaction is as a result of his disability. Eg - she has control and understanding and he doesn't. And like in your case the pastoral care key worker also said to me the reason he was internally excluded and not externally was due to how it came about.

It never ceases to amaze me how people interpret - I don't condone my child's behaviour but both sides need support and teaching how to respond - to - you don't know what went on and your Ds deserves a missive punishment.

If only life was so easy eh?

youarenotkiddingme that sounds terrible. Ball out of play, hit on head by ball and told to run! No wonder your child said no!