Is this really Fucking Unbelievable?

[ragingsister]

Just need some perspective!
So my grandma is in hospital with suspected DVT. I was chatting to my sister about when I'd be able to get to see grandma over the weekend and said I wouldn't have much chance as DH is going on an all day and night bender on Saturday with his mates. I can go see her Sunday afternoon and have already seen her last night.
She went mental! Said it was Fucking Unbelievable and was a sad indictment of my life?

For context dh has the all dayer once a year and it's a tradition with his friends. He's not the type to be out all the time. I'd grandma got seriously ill he would obviously cancel but for now she is stable in hospital.

She's not talking to me now and I'm not sure if I'm totally underreacting to DH going out?

meadow maybe the

GET. A . GRIP kinda set your tone.

fourkids the outcome is exactly the same no matter what.

He's going on his annual day/night out with friends that has been previously arranged, and would cancel if the gran wasn't stable and in hospital.

People commenting on the 'quality' of his day/night out are just coming across as snobbish/judgey imo.

Sounds as if your sister needs some emotional support and to feel that you are sharing the worry and the uncertain outcome. Perhaps this is not just about you being physically absent.

YANBU OP. I work in hospital and more often than not people get exhausted having to 'entertain' constant visitors. They feel they have to chat and can't dose etc. It also seems that the people who are there round the clock often drop their relative like a hot brick once they go home and go back to weekly / monthly visits. Maybe as a compromise you could phone your nan and have a quick chat? She is currently stable with a suspected DVT, what would be happening if this situation becomes more long term?

My sister's like this. Always getting cross about something or other. You can't win with her, let her moan, whinge and shout, she'll get over it.
I agree with the pp who said your sis is there when there's an audience but not when there isn't. Your DH is entitled to his day out, and is willing to cancel if DGM's condition worsens. YANBU.

Haha Worra I will try saying that next year his day/night out isn't very classy but he and his friends love it. They all wear Christmas jumpers and have a good laugh. I think she isn't used to it as her husband doesn't do stuff like that.
The guilt thing about not seeing grandma much is probably true too. She has a busy life so I understand why she can't get over often and never pull her up on it. I wish she would be the same with me!

Sounds like you could reassess how much info you tell your sister in future if she is the judgy drama queen type.
Its none of her business why you don't have childcare for Saturday, but clearly she could act like a good aunty and take the kids for an hour so you can visit, since it is so important to her.
Agreeing with others though, she's either a bit upset (maybe guilt ridden, maybe not) about granny, or she's busy working to upstage you for social/inheritance purposes.

Totally agree, what does it matter what he's doing, he's still going to be out all day and night regardless. So what if going on a bender, op still doesn't have childcare.

meadow maybe the GET. A . GRIP kinda set your tone. chocolate. Well I had been accused of 'having it in' for somebody. Which simply was not the case.

Just ignore Meadow. She's being goady < that right there is goady. Me disagreeing with someone is not goady.

Lots of people have said that OP is BU, yet none are getting grief like you are meadows. I wonder why. It's not because you are being rude and goady, oh no of course not.

OP YANBU.

Lots of people have said that OP is BU, yet none are getting grief like you are meadows. I wonder why. It's not because you are being rude and goady, oh no of course not probably because I stayed around and reiterated my thoughts. Maybe not, that's just a guess. I don't get what's goady about disagreeing, even if it did come across as rude high I have stated several times was not intended. TBH

Forget the previous responses trying to bring down your LOVING husband. You asked a question; are you underreacting. My response is simple, no. From your tone, you already know this.

The real issue is your sister. You are caught in the crossfire of your sister directing anger at the one you love and, understandably, your anxiety is flooding your reason, which is why you are feeling so helpless?

Try to think of this as a problem your best friend has presented to you - imagine how you would advise someone in this situation.

Is she envious of his the fact he has you in his life? Is there some characteristic she finds hard to tolerate such as having close friends he occasionally spends time with? Does she use these situations to belittle your husband? Does your husband treat you right and buy you treats she has little interest in?

You sound insightful about your feelings, so it may be difficult for you to imagine that someone else can't easily figure out what lies behind their own emotions.

My advice; keep her at arms length and embrace the fact you have a loving husband who would drop his afternoon/night out in a heartbeat if required.

Having visitors in hospital can be incredibly tiring, poor grandmother could well do with a day off anyway.

Stop stalking me DH! Your Englishhusband act doesn't fool me. I know the way you type

I'm clinical staff in a hospital, and was coming on to say basically this:

DVTs aren't life threatening, only if they develop migrate meadows like in your situation, and that often happens before the DVT is diagnosed.
Grandma is in hospital, on treatment (preventing previous from happening) and will be completely well apart from maybe a sore leg.
Some people don't even get admitted to hospital with DVT these days and are treated as outpatients.

To Meadows, the OP's sister and the other posters who think they should be holding a bedside vigil: just calm the fuck down. I bet DGM wouldn't want the OP's husband to cancel his day/night out on her behalf, when she's probably fine in herself, albeit with a hot, slightly sore leg. Just because she's bored in hospital doesn't mean everybody has to be.

YANBU OP. Hope your DGM's sorted soon.

Crikey! YANBU, OP. If I were the person in hospital, I wouldn't want to be inundated with visitors!! I think your suggested schedule for visiting is more than reasonable.

The info on DVT is reassuring, thank you.

Just need MNHQ to delete this now...

I think if you didn't want to have to wait until Sunday afternoon & husband wasn't willing to compromise then that might be an issue.

But if it's OK & fits in with what others are doing, then no problem!

I think this depends on how close the family is too Plus it's not as though Grandma is unstable and nearing the end of her days (sorry op if that sounds insensitive). I think you should ignore your sisters reaction and ask yourself what you think you should do under the circumstances likewise by putting yourself in grandmas shoes and how you would feel at her age and in her present circumstances. FYI my sister reacts v similarly to yours. She has a massive thing about family obligation so feels guilty if she is not jumping through hoops for everyone. your sis may be the same?

lol is English really the DH in this thread?

Can I make a suggestion? Maybe this isn't actually about the frequency of your visits (which sound fine) but about the fact that you said your DH was going out to have a good time? When a family member is ill, and the nuclear family are terribly concerned, it can feel like an affront that someone else can just compartmentalise the situation and continue with ordinary life. It feels like all life should stop!! Of course, that demand is unreasonable.

However, when it's an in law, it's a tricky situation because they are closer to the family affected - while the emotional attachment to the family often ins't there and the level of panic is therefore lessened, the continuing with everyday life feels a bit more immediate, more in your face, more of a contravention of the family 'code' of togetherness in times of adversity. I suspect this is what your sister is reacting to. It makes sense emotionally, even though it's not rational or reasonable.

I think it might have been more sensitive in the circumstances to say that your DH had an 'unavoidable commitment', and that you would therefore be skipping Saturday but would be there on Sunday instead. However, I don't think you're in the wrong here! I would also be seeking to reassure her because such extreme reactions often come from a place of fear for the hospitalised person, and it doesn't sound like there is any imminent danger.

shove the OP said she was honest because if she fudged it her DSis would probably have found out by seeing posts/tagged posts on facebook, which would have created another argument

Yes he is shall I could tell straight away!

You make a good point shove. I did try and sugarcoat what he was up to. I'm sure she already knew but wanted me to say it so she could kick off. She loves to hate him.