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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this really Fucking Unbelievable?

232 replies

ragingsister · 02/12/2016 09:12

Just need some perspective!
So my grandma is in hospital with suspected DVT. I was chatting to my sister about when I'd be able to get to see grandma over the weekend and said I wouldn't have much chance as DH is going on an all day and night bender on Saturday with his mates. I can go see her Sunday afternoon and have already seen her last night.
She went mental! Said it was Fucking Unbelievable and was a sad indictment of my life?

For context dh has the all dayer once a year and it's a tradition with his friends. He's not the type to be out all the time. I'd grandma got seriously ill he would obviously cancel but for now she is stable in hospital.

She's not talking to me now and I'm not sure if I'm totally underreacting to DH going out?

OP posts:
Original poster
ragingsister · 02/12/2016 09:53

I'm not going to cancel my hair when visiting time wouldn't even be on!
I would love to be there every hour of every day but it's just not possible. Plans could be made quickly if she detoriated but for now she is stable.

OP posts:
ZippyNeedsFeeding · 02/12/2016 09:53

I wouldn't have told my sister (or anyone else) that my husband was going on a bender. I'd be too ashamed, to be honest. I don't think it's so much that you aren't there every waking moment, as that your sister thought you were saying that your husband's wish to get blind drunk for a whole day is more important than your grandmother.
So long as someone goes every day, that's the main thing. Too many visitors can be exhausting and it would probably be wide to arrange a rota so that your grandmother isn't too overwhelmed.

MiracletoCome · 02/12/2016 09:53

This is another MN type thread where people spend all day in hospitals visiting every day, travelling miles, which rarely happens in real life as people have to go to work, look after children etc.

Billben · 02/12/2016 09:53

I don't see the problem to be honest. Your DSIS is over reacting.

Meadows76 · 02/12/2016 09:53

If your grandma was at death's door then fair enough Because people are only important then?

I would be devastated if my grandchildren thought that little of me

TinyTear · 02/12/2016 09:55

Dont see the issue either.
I can understand the 'bender' is it something like a Monopoly Pub Crawl? I used to do it with friends in my younger years and it did last all day

you are visiting and she is going saturday... and too many visitors may even be tiring for your grandma

pictish · 02/12/2016 09:55

If you'd hold a grudge 'forever' because your sibling didn't comply with your self-appointed visitation schedule on a single isolated day, you have issues.

Good luck with that perspective.

MiladyThesaurus · 02/12/2016 09:56

I think the negative response is because the OP referred to her DH's activity as a 'big bender'. If she'd described it differently people (including her sister) would have been more sympathetic.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2016 09:57

I'd say that cancelling your hairdressing appointment would be a priority if it's that vital that you see her on Saturday.

Original poster
ragingsister · 02/12/2016 09:57

Ok I've established that meadows has it in for me, but most of you think it's ok so I'm going to ask for this to be deleted now. I can just imagine the colour sister would go if she saw this on the daily mail!

Fwiw to the posters that think I'm awful, I'm the one that visits and contacts grandma most. I put the most effort in apart from her daughter. I just don't have time or childcare to see her every single day. I couldn't lie about dh as no doubt his friends will tag him on FB.

OP posts:
MiladyThesaurus · 02/12/2016 09:58

TBH, I'd be devastated if my children or any future grandchildren felt under such presssure to ensure the visited me every day I was in hospital. I don't want to create some hideous sense of obligation.

I'd just be pleased that I had visitors at all and particularly if someone had made time to see me 3 out of 4 days.

Mybeautifullife1 · 02/12/2016 09:59

How much time is your sister spending with her? And your other family members?

Your sister is very opinionated about your life!

birdybirdywoofwoof · 02/12/2016 10:00

You saw your Gm on Thursday and you're going again on Sunday?

You're not doing anything wrong, OP. Flowers

DailyMailJournosSmell · 02/12/2016 10:00

YANBU. - not even a tiny bit and I bet your Gran won't mind in the slightest. You sound like you are seeing plenty of her and that she will have other visitors on the Saturday anyway.

Some of the replies on this thread are horrible.

MiracletoCome · 02/12/2016 10:00

Yes OP, you do sometimes find that, that when relatives are well people don't bother with them, but when they are ill there is a big show about visiting etc.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 02/12/2016 10:01

My grandparents live 200 miles away, I must be a terrible granddaughter..... Hmm

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 10:01

Stop lying OP. Someone who cares about their gran wouldn't be on MN trying to justify not seeing her, they'd be at the hospital. Lets hope you never get dvt.

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 10:01

Miracle - for the inheritance.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 02/12/2016 10:01

meadow 15 miles isn't just around the corner.

When my DGM has gallstones I was the only one that visited her every day whilst her own sons rocked up 2/3 times through out a two week stay. I was shattered And it cost a fortune . I didn't go for two days as I took my dd away for the weekend but was made to feel like shit of family members who hadn't even been even though I phoned her on those two days for a chat!

Go away with your judging and expectations because it then turns in to a chore. Your grandchildren don't actually owe you anything.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 02/12/2016 10:01

when relatives are well people don't bother with them, but when they are ill there is a big show about visiting etc.

That is SOOO true.

Everhopeful · 02/12/2016 10:02

When my dad was in hospital, I took turns with one DSis to visit. Rest of the family only came once or twice in the 2 months he was in, then transferred to hospice, where we both visited. I stayed until his girlfriend came and went home then, because I was shattered (pregnant at the time). I think I was home about 2 hours before he died. It doesn't matter how much you do sometimes.

I think you simply shouldn't have shared the reasons. Yes, it's worrying and if you're a really close-knit family (can't say my lot are), try and visit before your DH goes out. But if you really can't without your life collapsing, then let it go and don't worry. As you say Dgran is stable, it probably isn't justifiable to cancel everything. Kids aren't helpful in hospital as a rule: there really isn't enough for them to do without annoying people and there is also usually only enough space for one or two visitors.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 02/12/2016 10:03

Get a grip daily

Plus visiting time won't have even started yet!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/12/2016 10:03

Everyone has issues of one sort or another. I personally think someone prioritising a "bender" over a sick close family member has issues. I think anyone still going on a "bender" after the age of 22 has issues. Horses for courses.

Although tbh when I first replied the OP hadn't mentioned going tonight as well. I also think that had she worded it differently (my reaction was to the "all day and night bender") I possibly would have answered differently.

CurbsideProphet · 02/12/2016 10:03

OP it's often the case where one sibling does a lot more than the other. Your sister might just be projecting her own guilt that you see your grandma weekly, but she does not.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 02/12/2016 10:04

ever I agree with your whole post