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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my children aren't 'baggage'

151 replies

IneedAqueenMortificadoNickname · 01/12/2016 23:38

This is what my (seemingly now ex) bf just referred to my dc as.

He can't understand why I'm so angry and why parents see that as a derogatory term.

Oh yep. He's just text me demanding I pay back all the money hes ever spent on me and the dc.

Wtf Confused

OP posts:
PoldarksBreeches · 02/12/2016 12:31

I had a man once congratulate himself to me on how he didn't see my ds as a reason not to date me unlike lots of men Hmm
Want a fucking cookie, twat?

stitchglitched · 02/12/2016 12:34

OP it should be a no brainer. You have children to consider and have no business being in a relationship with someone who calls them baggage and threatens to kick in the door of their home. Don't turn into the sort of parent who puts her love life ahead of her kids, there are enough of them on here.

PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 13:02

he said he didn't mean the he sees my children as baggage but that that's how a lot of men see single mums

So what, he deserves a prize for taking you on? What with your baggage and all? Hmm

Fuck that. Come on girl - where's your self-esteem? Where's your pride? You KNOW that you and your DC deserve better than this. That what he is saying is offensive and a red flag; otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

Find your anger, channel it and dump him. If he wants a nice childfree life then he needs to trot off and find someone without kids - that's his prerogative. But your children aren't temporary and you and them deserve someone who will want all of you.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 02/12/2016 13:57

Do you know OP that women leave an abusive man (on average) SEVEN (documented) times before they finally get the courage or desperation to end the relationship?

For many more, they don't get the chance. More women are killed by abuse partners than by anyone else. And often, so are their children.

To the outside world, these men can appear charming, said-of-the-earth types, but when they don't get their own way ALL of the time, they become monsters. they take out any perceived slight (at work, from friends, casual comments by shop assistants - you name it) on the woman and children they have control over. At best, they make their lives a living hell. At worst, they kill them.

You have no ties to this man - you are not married to him; your children are not his children; you do not share a mortgage; you are not financially dependent upon him - please, PLEASE, end the relationship NOW. For your own sake and for that of your DCs.

Don't think about it - DO IT!

I can understand how you may be lonely and not want to spend the rest of your life as a single person, but
A) There is nothing to say that you will be single forever

and even if your worst fears come true

B) Being on your own is better by far than being the punchbag of some controlling git.

Believe me - I've seen it in two family members. It is worse than you could ever imagine. And if he is being like this before you have committed yourself to him (e.g. moving in, getting married etc) - can you imagine how abusive he is going to be afterwards? When perhaps you are pregnant again?

Think of your children, not yourself. Don't put them through this because it scars them for life, it really does.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/12/2016 14:00

Don't reply to any more of his messages. He is not entitled to any money back from things he spent on you or your kids. If he was happy to spend that money in the relationship (and it wasn't a loan) then he hasn't a leg to stand on. Let him waste his time and money trying to sue you if that's what he wants, but I suspect he's just trying to frighten you in to giving him money now.

He may be 31 but he sounds like a child himself.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 14:02

OMG op, ask him not to contact you at all, what a twat! Sorry op, your dc deserve better than this! Hes putting not only you down, but your dcs, seeing them as baggage that no other man would tolerate. Is this the sort of man you want in their lives, looking down on them, and tolerating them. And telling you that you cannot do any better as your a single mum. Tell him to get lost forever, nobody would dare speak about my children in such a way. I am a Tiger when it comes to my kids.

Katy07 · 02/12/2016 14:03

Whether or not he sees your kids as baggage is irrelevant (to an extent). The big deal is that he threatened to come round and break your down (however unlikely it might have been) and expected you to repay him money he'd FREELY spent. Ignore all the apologies and excuses that have followed - that's what abusers do because it keeps you there, handy for the next time. Walk away, for your kids sake if not your own.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 14:04

Yes that as well Katy07, I totally agree with Flappy.

JellyBelli · 02/12/2016 14:07

He's an MRA. All of his lines are classic MRA lines.

He threatened to smash your door down.
Damned if you do, damned if you dont - if you dont care about money, why do you work? But he wants you to repay all his gifts.
He called your children baggage.

You need time to think about it?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 14:10

What's MRA Confused

bluebeck · 02/12/2016 14:13

Misogynistic Raging Arsehole?

toptoe · 02/12/2016 14:13

He's blamed what he said on other single men. He's backtracking because he knows it's pissed you off.

However, even (not that I believe it) he didn't really mean it, he has threatened to smash your door down and told you to 'pay back all the money he's spent on you and your dc'.

For that, you can safely say, he doesn't deserve to be anywhere near you or your lovely dc.

What he's doing is:

  1. Saying something to put you and dc in your place.
  2. You pull him up on it (eg tell him that you and your dc are not beneath him.
  3. He has then got aggressive and told you to pay back money and threatened to smash your door in in order to make you agree he is above you and your dc.
  4. He sees that hasn't worked.
  5. He's now backtracking and saying 'I didn't mean it' or 'other men say it, but not me'. Even though he said it. Because he knows that the threats might not be working.

What does he want from you op? I think he wants a woman to look after him. Your dc are not part of that and infact divert your attention away from him. He's obviously tried to assert his authority over you and your dc and his arseiness is as a result of you not just rolling over and accepting it. Don't let him divert your attention away from what he's actually saying to you.

Also, your dc may be happy because they are oblivious to the fact that he sees them as 'baggage'. If they knew (which they will one day if you stay together) how he really felt, they would be hurt by that. Children look up to adults and want to see the best in them. They've enjoyed being with him whilst it was more casual. Imagine later on if they touch his stuff. Will he threaten to smash something up of theirs? They won't be happy then.

And living at home is a big signal that he's not able to look after himself alone. Ok some people get into dire straits due to no fault of their own. But some people are unable to look after themselves. I suspect he is one of those and he's after you looking after him. He might even move in with you and you'd then have to tiptoe around his precious stuff. Nightmare!

Littletabbyocelot · 02/12/2016 14:24

My DH occasionally astounds me with his ability to express very emotional topics very badly. Under stress it's like his brain just picks new meaning for words.

So I can kind of see him - if he wasn't their dad - him calling our kids baggage while trying to express something complicated about dating a mother (but not that other men would see them as baggage).

However, I can't see him demanding money back or ever threatening me or anyone else. He isn't someone who could do that. No decent man (or woman) would.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2016 14:28

So what future could you expect? One in which he counts every penny and weighs up every action, and keeps track of what your children 'take away' from him in time and money. A life of trying to keep your children away from 'his stuff' and hellacious arguments if they dare mess with/touch his 'whatever'. A life in which your children are completely and totally your responsibility, but woe betide any decision you make that interferes with what he wants or reduces the attention you pay to him. And on top of that, a man who makes threats of violence and plays 'gimme back' when he doesn't get what he wants. Not something I'd ever want for me nor especially for my children.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 02/12/2016 14:32

AcrossthePond is talking real sense OP.

Things will get worse, not better.

Don't let him bully or persuade you - hr is NOT a good person.

CozumelFox · 02/12/2016 14:36

Bad anxiety, lives with his mum, never goes anywhere? Hates the fact you have kids and frankly sounds a damaging influence on their life?

Definitely take the advise above, OP, not just about ignoring him but possibly about tackling your own issues finding what a normal relationship is like. This isn't it. Children are often most in danger from external males brought into their lives, especially ones who threaten to 'smash fucking doors down' and don't let them touch anything.

CozumelFox · 02/12/2016 14:37

And "no one else will ever have you apart from me" is the oldest line in the book, along with "you're crazy" and "I'm all you have."

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 14:38

You have the chance, get out now, before your too deep. All that you have said about him, are ringing big fat alarm bells. He has the potential to be abusive to you and the kids, and you will be treading on eggshells trying to keep the balance. He has threatened violence on your home, and sees the kids as baggage, yes a clumsy statement, but that is how he really feels about them. Your kids come first, not your love life!

Arfarfanarf · 02/12/2016 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 14:42

I agree, you need to go on that Freedom Programme, that has been talked about here, for survivors of abusive relationships. Right now, you need another relationship like you need a hole in the head, you need to work on yourself, self esteem.

YouSunkMyBattleship · 02/12/2016 17:12

Tbh, I think it's glaringly obvious you'll forgive him and it'll be business as usual by Sunday afternoon.

I pity your children. They deserve better than this, even if you think you don't.

gamerwidow · 02/12/2016 17:51

OP walk away if you don't I guarantee you'll be here again in few weeks only next time he won't just be threatening to kick your door down. Don't delude yourself I watched my sister go through this cycle for years before she finally broke free. There is nothing here for you!!!! Stop minimising and trying to explain away his behaviour. You know deep down that you didn't misunderstand or misinterpret him yesterday he is fucking with your mind.

holidaysaregreat · 02/12/2016 22:00

Not one single person has said you should have a think & that maybe it could work.
I still don't get how it could be fun for little kids to hang about at his house - surely they would prefer to do stuff they enjoy like going to the park/cinema/meet friends/soft play.
You haven't been able to come up with anything good about him so far.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 23:50

Hope these replies have given you food for thought!

ptumbi · 03/12/2016 11:16

OP - read Acrossthepond's post again.

it is spot on !!!