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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my children aren't 'baggage'

151 replies

IneedAqueenMortificadoNickname · 01/12/2016 23:38

This is what my (seemingly now ex) bf just referred to my dc as.

He can't understand why I'm so angry and why parents see that as a derogatory term.

Oh yep. He's just text me demanding I pay back all the money hes ever spent on me and the dc.

Wtf Confused

OP posts:
GeekLove · 02/12/2016 09:24

Why do you hate yourself so much if being with this loser is somehow more attractive than being single?

Remember, if you feel your resolve failing, he sees your children as baggage and HE THREATENED TO KICK THE DOOR DOWN

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 09:54

Nono no put your kids first, this man is no good for them, and you. Telling you they are baggage, there attending to smash the door down, and demanding you pay back money he's spend on you. Hurtful and uncomfortable this is to read, it's the truth, he has shown you himself. Run for the hills!

llangennith · 02/12/2016 09:58

You may think you need this person in your life but you don't. You really, really don't.
In one of your first posts you said when you take your DC to visit him they're expected to sit still and do nothing. Now you're saying they love seeing him. Can't you see that they're trying to please you? They're witnessing their mother getting upset and emotional and behaving irrationally and are trying to make things better for you.
If you won't sever all ties with him for your own sake then do it for theirs.
Your DC will grow up thinking this is how families should be. It's not.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 10:15

Your kids will soon realise who he really is. How can you subject them to that treatment when they visit him! Time to put your kids first I am afraid, and ditch the extra baggage, your kids don't need this man.

Original poster
IneedAqueenMortificadoNickname · 02/12/2016 10:16

He doesn't literally expect them to sit still and do nothing. Sorry I was very emotional last night and didn't explain it well.
He doesn't like anyone touching his stuff, especially his computer. So they can watch films or play in the garden, but his lounge is very small so there's a limit to how long they will do that.

I know I need to walk away. It's just being strong enough to do it.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 10:18

You have to, put your kids first. Aren't they reason enough!

formerbabe · 02/12/2016 10:28

Do you have a dd op? When she's an adult, would you advise her to stay with a man who threatens to kick her front door down? Or would you tell her to run and not look back?

KatharinaRosalie · 02/12/2016 10:59

You're not married or living together, you don't have any joint assets. Pack his stuff and drop the bag at his door. Send him a text that it's over and never to contact you again. Then block him from everywhere.

That's it. It's just s short relationship, there's really no need for long complicated break up procedures.

formerbabe · 02/12/2016 11:17

That's it. It's just s short relationship, there's really no need for long complicated break up procedures.

Absolutely this!

AnyFucker · 02/12/2016 11:18

I frequently amazed at the levels of utter shit that some women will swallow for the sake of a "relationship"

This is one of those times. Op, what the fuck are you thinking ? This guy is an utterly inadequate prick. If this is all you know and all you aspire to, it's a crying shame.

Costacoffeeplease · 02/12/2016 11:33

I don't see why you would even have to think about this. He's a prick, you'll be better off without him, the end

KinkyAfro · 02/12/2016 11:39

It's been 10 months not 10 years, should be pretty easy to walk away...especially for the sake of your children

GeekyWombat · 02/12/2016 11:39

OP You can totally do this. You and your DC deserve better. They are not baggage, to the right person they will bring joy and fun and a new family dynamic. Sadly not this tosspot it would seem.

Good luck, I know it's hard.

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2016 11:41

How exactly did he explain what he meant? Did the messages have some deeper subtext that went over your head?

Original poster
IneedAqueenMortificadoNickname · 02/12/2016 11:46

Thanks everyone for the brutal honesty. I knew I could rely on you all Grin Although it does hurt.

floggingmolly he said he didn't mean the he sees my children as baggage but that that's how a lot of men see single mums. He says he phrased it badly.

Anyway I've asked him not to contact me for a couple of days while I get my head straight.

OP posts:
CalmItKermitt · 02/12/2016 11:49

It's pretty clear you'll go back to him 🙄

Costacoffeeplease · 02/12/2016 11:50

He'll just be on his best behaviour for a while until the mask slips again

formerbabe · 02/12/2016 11:51

You know I see the 'baggage' comment as a form of control...I see it as him trying to make you think that it would be impossible for you to find another relationship.

he said he didn't mean the he sees my children as baggage but that that's how a lot of men see single mums

It's glaringly obvious! Trying to make you think no other man would want you, afteral you're a single mum.

What a load of shit. Plenty of single mums find happy relationships with non abusive arseholes.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/12/2016 11:51

and by 'smash the door down' he really meant that some other men would do that to other women?

AnyFucker · 02/12/2016 11:51

I fail to see how people who don't know you reacting with shock at what you are prepared to tolerate is any comparison at all to the hurt this man will continue to mete out to you and your kids

Costacoffeeplease · 02/12/2016 11:54

I know I need to walk away

Your own words

Print them out and stick them on your mirror

QueenCarpetJewels · 02/12/2016 12:16

This rang alarm bells for me, although it could of course be innocent:

He doesn't like anyone touching his stuff, especially his computer.

My DH is not my DD's father. But in the past, when she has needed to use his laptop and he hasn't been here to ask, she's just done it. Later on, she's told him and he's not batted an eyelid, because a) he's got nothing to hide and b) HE'S GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.

But like I said, it could be absolutely nothing to worry about, who knows? No one, because no one is allowed to touch his computer.

RaspberryBeret34 · 02/12/2016 12:21

You know I see the 'baggage' comment as a form of control...I see it as him trying to make you think that it would be impossible for you to find another relationship.

This, exactly this.

You really must cut this man off now. It will only get harder, you're halfway there now.

Children are not baggage any more than any other evidence of a life lived is baggage. There are kind, decent men out there who have no issues with dating someone with DC - I've dated lots some! You just need to get your head straight so that you see the patterns of abuse or even just selfishness/immaturity etc as soon as they start and say "no, I deserve better..." and cut the relationship off then, every single time. Think about how you treat others and expect the same in return. I found it useful to write a list of all the qualities I have to remind myself I wasn't looking for anything in a man that I wasn't offering in return. Does this man really offer you all the qualities you offer him?

RaspberryBeret34 · 02/12/2016 12:26

Sorry, my post didn't read quite right - I mean it will only get harder to finish this relationship if you don't do it NOW. You can follow through.

MadisonMontgomery · 02/12/2016 12:27

Your children might like him, but he doesn't like them.