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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my children aren't 'baggage'

151 replies

IneedAqueenMortificadoNickname · 01/12/2016 23:38

This is what my (seemingly now ex) bf just referred to my dc as.

He can't understand why I'm so angry and why parents see that as a derogatory term.

Oh yep. He's just text me demanding I pay back all the money hes ever spent on me and the dc.

Wtf Confused

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 08:21

He sounds like an utter twat, your best off without him. Good luck to him getting money off you that he willingly parted with, idiot!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2016 08:22

He's showed you his true colours and what he is capable of, no your best off without him.

YesItsMeIDontCare · 02/12/2016 08:25

Are your children happy? Or are they showing you what they think you want to see and telling you what they think you want to hear? Your happiness is important to them and children are masters of keeping the peace in these situations.

Milzilla · 02/12/2016 08:25

Oh dear :(

Wake up OP, just really wake up.

Put your kids first rather than your desire to be in this relationship.

He's just revealed, early on, who he is. Listen.

Find someone who doesn't refer to your children as baggage, doesn't demand financial recompense when he's fed up and someone who certainly doesn't threaten to come and frighten you all.

Honestly, wake up and grow up.

PoldarksBreeches · 02/12/2016 08:29

So fucking what if your children like going there? Your children don't know what's best for them. You're supposed to know that. So don't expose them to someone who thinks they are baggage, should sit silently rather than play and who threatens to smash the windows of their home Hmm
Jesus wept

londonrach · 02/12/2016 08:29

Call the police to report that. You did well to get rid of him. Lucky escape there!

PurpleDaisies · 02/12/2016 08:32

My children are happy. They actually love going to visit him and moan that we don't go often enough.

If I thought for one minute that they weren't happy I wouldn't hesitate to leave him.

You say they happy but are they safe? This man as threatening to break your door down in the middle of the night. This is at the house where your children are sleeping.

I can't understand why you're even thinking about giving him another chance. For the ale of your kids and the example you're setting them, leave him.

londonrach · 02/12/2016 08:32

Just read the update!!!! Seriously keep away from this guy. Nice then horrible, nice then horrible, nice then kills you. Dont let him anywhere near your children or you. Report his threats to the police. He is abusive and you are being sucked in! Please you worth more than this!

londonrach · 02/12/2016 08:34

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

One of many sites!!

IneedAqueenMortificadoNickname · 02/12/2016 08:38

I've always put my children first. It's one of the reasons I've was single for so long after leaving their dad. (Almost 7 years) other than a few dates and a couple of very short 'flings'

I'm finding these replies hard to read but I know I need to read them. Smile

OP posts:
PoldarksBreeches · 02/12/2016 08:43

I'm glad to hear it. Keep doing that then and keep this guy gone.

EssentialHummus · 02/12/2016 08:44

You and your children are worth way more than what this man child has to offer.

If a good friend told you that her DP thought of her children as baggage, lived at home age 30+, demanded money/gifts back during a fight, and threatened to break into her home when he was angry, what advice would you give her?

Ohdearducks · 02/12/2016 08:46

He has shown you his true self, now he's putting his sweet and lovely mask back on to hoover you back in.
He doesn't want your children, he's said nasty things about them, he views them as a weight around his neck.
How long before he lets his mask slip in front of them? How long before he says something shitty to their faces?
Please don't give him the opportunity OP.

PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 08:54

If someone sees your DC as 'baggage' then they aren't the right person for you. You and your DC are a package deal; the right person will recognise that and embrace it.

If you continue the relationship with this man it is doomed to fail - because you know now his true feelings about your DC and over time you will come to resent it. Your radar will be super-sensitive to any comment or action from him that is designed to exclude or push out your DC. He will also be fighting against the fact that he doesn't truly want your DC there. Better for all concerned to finish it and walk away - and that's before you address the fact that nice men don't threaten to come round and kick your door in.

It reminded me a bit of a programme I saw once - can't remember what it was but DW had 2 DC from a previous relationship and had remarried with a new baby. The 2 older DC had to eat in the kitchen straight after school and were packed off to bed upstairs at 6pm whilst the DW ate downstairs with new H and baby. The older DC were never included in anything - it was one of the saddest things I'd seen, as she was basically trying to minimise their presence in the home so that the new H could have a lovely time with only her and their baby.

MetalMidget · 02/12/2016 08:57

My friend's mother married a man who saw her kids as baggage. He was nice to them at first, but ended up showing his true colours. He kicked her out at 15 because she pushed back after he slapped her younger sister for not cooking dinner to his standards.

She ended up in an abusive relationship with a kind and generous guy. He could be kind. He could be generous. He could be funny. He could also be extremely emotionally abusive, manipulative, and eventually became violent.

Break the cycle, run to the hills, don't look back.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 02/12/2016 08:58

He's just text me demanding I pay back all the money hes ever spent on me and the dc.

Send him a bill for housekeeping, laundry, chef's services etc. It'll come to a damn sight more than you "owe" him!

TheNaze73 · 02/12/2016 09:01

YABVU if he feels that because you can't argue a feeling.

However, I would never date anyone without children as, I'd never be able to put them at number one above my girls & every relationship I've had where there has not been children on their side has never worked because of exactly that.

He sounds a twat to me & you're best off out of it

KatharinaRosalie · 02/12/2016 09:04

A nice and kind mand will not threaten to come and kickyour door down!
His mask is slipping. As others have said, he is showing you who he really is - a nasty bully.

AussieGrrl · 02/12/2016 09:05

The only reason your children are happy and like him is because up until now he has hidden his true colours and been on his best behaviour. If he were around more they would see and hear more, if you lived together it would be a million times worse (he would have you trapped then). I guarantee you 100% he will hurt your children on some level longer term.

Get out now while the fallout is minimal. It's only going to get worse and harder to leave, especially once he has stripped what little self esteem you have left. Read up on red flags, Lundy Bancroft is always recommended in this type of scenario, go get some counselling and stay single until you can look at this type of behaviour and walk away with the wisdom you are doing the right thing.

I'm not sure but I think you said he doesn't work? Combine that with the abusive messages, having no experience living as an adult because he has mummy to take care of him etc etc, he's not the best catch is he? What will he bring to your life other than being an emotional and financial burden?

Sorry to be blunt but he is a loser

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 02/12/2016 09:06

Please - take notice of Battleship

This man is trying to control you by switching his mood, making you feel guilty, reminding you of how wonderful he could be when he wanted to. This is typical controlling behaviour. Remember NO ABUSER IS ABUSIVE ALL THE TIME. They chop and change their behaviour to keep their partners trapped in the cycle of abuse.

You are free of him at the moment - step away while you can, before any serious damage occurs. You may not get a second chance.

happychristmasbum · 02/12/2016 09:06

I can't imagine why you would want to settle for a dick like this. Read his texts back - that is what he thinks of you and your DC.

You are setting the bar very low if you think this is acceptable. I suspect your previous abusive relationship has indeed given you a skewed view of what is OK.

Threatening to smash your door in is not OK. This relationship is not OK.

Flowers
hungryhippo90 · 02/12/2016 09:08

Im so sorry to say this, but you are aware that there are some, very strong alarm bells ringing here from your post don't you?

Firstly, I would be saying that a man who has voiced an opinion of your children being baggage, would make me think he genuinely has some belief that your children are, in some way not a completely positive thing. That coupled with him not wanting anything to be touched by your kids, I would come to the belief that he doesn't really like kids, or atleast your kids. I'd not want him to build a relationship with them any further because it seems he is already struggling somewhat with them.

Another biggie is, he has threatened violent and destructive behaviour towards you. If he is threatening it this soon into your relationship, what will he be doing in a years, 2 years, 3 years time? What with him seeing your children as baggage, I'd be concerned they might be in the firing line of his temper.

It's obviously up to you, but you need to take into account he's threatened to smash your door down, to what end? Surely if he smashed the door down, he wouldn't then walk away would he?

It sounds dramatic, I know. But I've been in this situation. it spirals. It starts with hitting the doors or walls. They then throw stuff in your direction, telling you they'll never hurt you. Of course it wasn't deliberate that things either did or nearly hit you!
They'll then hit you. Even that will get worse as time goes on. You may even find yourself trying to explain "accidents" to your children.
Please don't ignore these signs. He needs anger management counselling. If you are going to continue with this relationship you need to step back until that's done.

Ginslinger · 02/12/2016 09:14

I was going to link to what queencarpetrules linked - please read it - you deserve better than this man

Ginslinger · 02/12/2016 09:16

queencarpetjewels - please read the link OP - I'm putting it here again www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

StrangeLookingParasite · 02/12/2016 09:17

"you said you don't care about money. If that's the case why do you go to work?"

He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?