To think my children aren't 'baggage'

[IneedAqueenMortificadoNickname]

This is what my (seemingly now ex) bf just referred to my dc as.

He can't understand why I'm so angry and why parents see that as a derogatory term.

Oh yep. He's just text me demanding I pay back all the money hes ever spent on me and the dc.

Wtf

Maybe you can paraphrase the texts rather than copy and paste. Go on you know you want too!
You're well rid. Baggage and wanting reimbursing for all he's spent on you what a twat.

It's mostly stuff about what he's bought me followed by "you said you don't care about money. If that's the case why do you go to work?" I told him he's a fucking twat if he genuinely can't understand why I have a job!

Stop responding to him!

At least you know he's a dick before you did anything big like moving him in

I'd text back "I'm sorry, but do I know you?". Then block him.

I ignored him for ages up until then but I couldn't help myself.

Anyway I'm going to try and get some sleep.

To the O/P (Ineedaqueen); if you think that you may be 'wonky' in how you are choosing guys to be in a relationship with, do take a look at the 'Freedom Programme' which is a course from the 'Women's Aid' charity. I understand that one can do the course online.

Take a look at the Relationships board on Mumsnet (under the 'Body and Soul' section): in fact if you go to the search function at the top of the page and type in 'Freedom Programme' you will see lots of comments.

Remember that domestic violence can be verbal, not just physical.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Tell him you don't care about money but the bank/landlord, gas company, council tax (blah blah) do, but it's unsurprising that he doesn't know that as he's still living with Mummy.

What a twat,

How long were you seeing this giant twat for?

Thank you Hamble I've been meaning to do that for a long time. I really should.

Annie 10 months (almost) he's actually sent me a really sweet text apologising and explaining what he meant. I've told him to leave me alone for now but we can talk tomorrow. He's normally so nice and kind and generous etc etc.

Oh I don't know anymore. I love him. I really do. But giving him another chance... I don't know.

Now is a good time to repeat the Mumsnet classic line, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. That was the first slip of the mask OP, don't give him a second opportunity. Think of your baggage

Sorry, but children from a previous relationship are baggage, just like for me my mh problems are baggage, pretty much everyone has something some would see as un desireable.

You might not like the term, but its a pretty universal one. Not everyone is thrilled about their partner having kids from a previous relationship, i know that i personally would never date someone with a kid by someone else.

he's actually sent me a really sweet text apologising and explaining what he meant. I've told him to leave me alone for now but we can talk tomorrow. He's normally so nice and kind and generous etc etc.

He threatened to come to your house and smash your door down. That's abhorrent. Even in the heat of an argument, decent people don't make threats like that. Even if he had no intention of actually doing it it was an attempt to intimidate you which is disgusting. That's without the horrid things he said about your kids. And now he's trying to talk you round. Please do not take this idiot back. You have seen his nasty side now and once he's gotten away with it once he'll carry on doing it. You can do better.

He's not the sweet one, that's just another way to get you to "behave". He's the potentially violent and child despising twat who texted you earlier. That's him, that's who he is. Get as far away from him and get your child away from his influence.

Why would you want to give this "man" another chance?

Do you really value yourself and your children that poorly?

. Be strong and love yourself and your children above all others.

Please don't meet up to discuss and allow him to weasel his way back into your life and convince you this was all some terrible misunderstanding. Don't waste a single second more on him.

You can do better. You and your children deserve it.

I suggest googling the cycle of abuse. You've just left the incident stage and now possibly entering the reconciliation phase (that one is up to you). Things may be ok for a while but each time the cycle continues the incident stage will escalate. Set some boundaries and deal breakers for yourself.

You and your children are worth way more than what this man child has to offer. Think of the type of relationship you want to model to your children. Sometimes it's better to be single, I've been through it and would rather be alone than in a dysfunctional relationship.

They might not be baggage t you but they clearly are to him and he's just blurted out his true feelings about them.

I would think very very carefully indeed before you resume this relationship. He doesn't like your kids very much (no reason why he should have to I suppose, he's basically telling you he wants you in his life but not them) and he resents the fact that he can't have you without them getting in the way.

This should be a huge wake up call for you and you should ditch him. Unless you are 100% capable of just keep him as a boyfriend for times when you can be alone without your children around, ever.

Don't do them the disservice of trying to make it work as a cosy family unit because it won't and and they deserve better than being forced to share their childhoods with someone who doesn't like them and competes for attention from their mother.

My ex (as in DCs dad) was abusive so I think I'm a little wonky when it comes to knowing what a 'normal' relationship looks like.

Yes - you are correct.

Is this really what you want for yourself?
you cannot be this desperate for a man.
can you?

for pity's sake please ditch this moron and move on.
you deserve better so start expecting better and stop having such low expectations.
you should really consider going for counselling or cbt.

Just leaving this here for you to read OP (and anyone else who needs it):

The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Threatening to come over and smash your door down is a violent threat. It is a clue as to how he thinks problems with you should be solved. It is a way to intimidate you into taking him back. It is a threat now, something he may act on another time and something that may lead to worse things further down the line. But by then you'll probably be too scared and enmeshed in the abuse that you and your kids will be stuck there. I can see that you love him. But when someone really loves you back, they don't treat you like he is treating you now.

Sorry, missed the bit about him threatening to smash your door down. Obviously the answer is to refuse to see him at all from now on.

Don't have anything more to do with him. I see your last post of 1:53 saying you love him. But he regards your kids as an unwelcome intrusion, has threatened you with violence and proven himself to be a dick about money.

You urgently need that freedom programme or something similar to help you learn to recognise and avoid fuckwits like this in the earliest stages of potential relationships. There are good blokes out there but unfortunately for you and for your kids you seem to be currently more attracted to fuckwits at the moment. For the sake of your kids if not yourself you need to learn a new pattern.

Fucking hell woman! One 'sweet' text and you're thinking about giving him another chance?! You need the freedom programme as soon as possible and for your kids sake do not go anywhere near this loser again.

Threatening to come and smash your door down is not a loving relationship.

OP please don't fall for the "sorry" text routine.

The way this works is that he has played jolly decent man, had you and your children round to his parents' house, treated you all; the mask has slipped a little, he has revealed his true feelings/has criticised you and your children and threatened you; the response? your fight or flight response kicks in (adrenaline released, heart rate increases leading to feelings of fear, anger and anxiety); he turns on the charm, sends a "really sweet text"; your fight or flight response subsides, you emotionally vulnerable; the relief is overwhelming, this relief is confused for love/emotional attachment because this is someone you feel you love; you relent and accept his apology; you give him a second chance; he's on his best behaviour again, for now; and it all looks lovely again, you're glad you gave him a second chance, only this time, you're more mindful of what you say and do, so as not to trigger this response from him again; it all goes nicely for a while; a couple of weeks/months/years; and then the mask slips again...

MissVictoria this thread isn't about your feelings. You are quite entitled to date whoever you choose, and if you choose to date someone without children, that is absolutely fine and a completely valid choice. What, however, is not a valid choice, is dating someone with children, then becoming abusive when something doesn't go your way, demand financial recompense for monies spent and threaten to smash their door in.