Partner on wards after birth - part 2!

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Wanted to continue this discussion as someone asked about stats re impact of visitors on wards.

I doubt there's stats anywhere (can't find anything with a quick Google anyway) but ask yourselves, why are visiting times the NHS over generally kept to a few hours a day? Because it's disruptive for the ward and patients need rest, and it can be a huge infection prevention risk. This is no different for maternity.

Original Thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2790704-About-partners-on-the-ward-after-childbirth

What's ridiculous is that mental and physical health are not given the same footing.

My experience of postnatal care will mean we will not have another baby until we can afford the costs of private care. We are not well off and are saving every penny- because I simply cannot go through that again.

Sorry ImYour that wasn't a very sensitive post of me - what I should have said is - I hope your baby is OK and I'm sorry for your experience (it's been a long day so forgive me). Vulnerable women and babies should never be left in the gutter, but like a PP said everyone's experiences and fear and emotions are different and people are good reason to not want partners there.

I hope you got a side room and FWIW I would never be so insensitive to insist your DH shouldn't be there for your baby.

I agree with you again bird - but it wasn't forthcoming for me. And nor were private rooms freely available. You're not going to get that without a massive rebuild on a lot of hospitals and then we're back to money again...

I must say for all the complaints, it's still amazing what we do get on the NHS. How much would we all have paid in the US? I pay a lot of tax every month, but I still reckon my 3 weeks and 3 days in hospital, to say nothing of the consultant led care that I had before that, would guzzle up a lot of what I've paid for the last 22 years in one fell swoop!

Cherry, you have been saying that women are selfish for having their partners there. Not selfish for merely wanting them there, but selfish for actually doing it.

So you are calling people like temporary selfish

ImYourMama, I don't think anyone is saying that partners shouldn't be allowed 24hrs on the NICU ward.

I'm your momma I can imagine. I was alone on a wars of 4 when hubby sent me photo of baby wires and plastic bagged up. By the time I'd gone hysterical and allowed down 2 hours early they thankfully found me a private room (between two wards) and promised me hubby wouldn't have to leave til I did. They even offered to keep me as a patient til baby moved hospital but thankfully got a NICU room on Day 4.
He's OK, back in hospital Thursday for another op but he's 17 months and amazing. Hope your LO is well x

Cherry, you have been saying that women are selfish for having their partners there.

Where has she said this? I think a lot of the antagonism here may be down to a misunderstanding.

speaknowords it's about more than NICU. We were sent away at 10/11 pm at night. If DH had walked me to hospital door and left me I'd have been hysterical and walking myself down at 2 am. Having him in the chair kept me in my room and emotionally safe. It's ridiculous to think he'd leave me at the door at 11 pm and pick me up at 7 am and trek back and forth via taxi for 3 days

I wish everyone to have sneeze births in the future.

I've an elcs coming up. I'm hoping to be up and out in 24hrs :)

Speak I couldn't get to the NICU ward as I was still numb from the anaesthetic, so what am I meant to do? Let DH sit on the NICU ward while I have no clue what's going on? Or do I do the "selfish" thing and demand my DH be allowed to stay with me When I can't walk any my baby may not last the night? It's an easy bloody choice.

Momma Gee I'm glad you're ok, my girl is out of hospital now and is doing ok, she's pretty much wrapped in cotton wool to prevent readmission x

to those of you who had babies in the NICU, that must have been so terrifying.

imyourmomma she still a tiny then? My monster is 17 months. First winter was hard, hope you stay out.

That's certainly how cherry's posts come across to me. "Fucking selfish", in fact. And trying to make women feel bad for not having sent their partners away? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. There are much better ways of making the same point, which nearly everyone else has managed without the same horrible insinuations!

Temporary, I don't know what kind of birth experience Cherry had or will have, but I had one very similar to yours (complete with the projectile vomiting!). I still don't want 24/7 partner visiting - I want everyone to have the same staff support that I did, though, and no-one to be left alone.

FWIW my first birth was fucking awful, the wonderful labour ward staff most definitely saved my life as it all went Pete Tong in the third stage. I had 4 days of hell to follow I hated being on the ward. I was left alone by DH, because of the 12-hour rule, but I still wouldn't want a 24/7 visiting rule - again this as a general rule, side rooms should be prioritised for vulnerable women and babies where their DHs should stay on they want them to. I will never be convinced that it's OK for men to sleep in a women's postnatal Ward though. Patients need respite from other people visitors and their own, i strongly believe that.

I can't say I'm looking forward to having this baby - isn't that awful, but that's because of the shitty after care I know exists in my hospital. I'm high risk so will need to stay in for a few days and the baby will also be getting referred to a paediatrician when it's born so we won't be going home soon.

I often wonder if my experience wasn't that bad, maybe because I was hormonal it seemed worse than it was (3 years ago). However, i had a scare at 27 weeks - earlier scans had revelead a liver problem with a chance it could degenerate, so we were basically waiting to see if I miscarried or not. When I had a gush of water at 27 weeks I thought "this is it, baby is coming early" and the hospital couldn't accommodate me in delivery Ward. It's against hospital policy to admit non-postnatal women to the postnatal Ward but they had no choice, meaning I had to be in with other mums and their babies, which was shit. I was luckily only there for 6 hours but by god I'm dreading being there again. Noisy visitors, tiny rooms, overstretched staff, many of whom were dismissive and absolutely zero privacy anywhere. Luckily my waters hadn't gone and subsequent scans in special units have shown baby's liver is not degenerating (but will need to see a doctor when it's born just in case) which is an enormous relief. But I really wish I could have a straightforward birth and be out asap.

It doesn't surprise me that it puts people off having more kids!

MommaGee she's only been out for 2 weeks, she's 37+3 and 9 weeks old, but already been warned about RSV and bronchitis. But because it all happened so recently, I feel so strongly about the point of NICU mum's that may not have the care/compassion they should have postnatally XX

Stop backtracking cherry. I wanted him there and he stayed there. According to you now, that would be selfish in the future but was OK then because it's in the past???

Eh?! I'm not repeating myself. I didn't say you were selfish for wanting him there. Your total dismissal of other women feelings, because it won't really affect you, is selfish.

Then I must have been selfish in wanting him there. That's what you said.

No it isnt

Cherry, you have been saying that women are selfish for having their partners there. Not selfish for merely wanting them there, but selfish for actually doing it

Blue see my many many posts to temporary. Not what I said.

Aww proper new one imyourmomma! Yes definitely keep all the germy people away!!!! Congratulations on getting her home

There are much better ways of making the same point, which nearly everyone else has managed without the same horrible insinuations!

What, like they're hysterical for not wanting to be in a vulnerable state around men?

You need to stop accusing me of calling you selfish for reasons different to why I did. I don't think anyone is selfish for wanting support. Is that clear? Are you going to keep saying I'm saying the opposite or will you finally stop?

Let's put this to bed once and for all Cherry.

Is someone HAVING their partner to stay with them, on the ward selfish?

It's a simple question which you should be able to answer with yes or no. Not is their desire selfish, is them not thinking of you selfish, but are they selfish to actually do it?

I'm totally confused ImYourMama, sorry. Did you want your DH to be with you in the postnatal ward, not in NICU?

When did I say I don't give a fuck about other women?! I said until i was properly blue in the face: of course I do - but my baby's needs and mine trumped it on that particular occasion.

Blue I honestly think it depends.

If a woman is admitted who's had a hard time, is aware of her hospital's policy and has prepared to have her DH there overnight, and is genuinely unaware that his presence will make others uneasy, and everyone else's DH was on the ward - no, it's hard to see how someone like that would be selfish.

If someone is well aware of the discomfort her DH will cause other women, understand the effect on her MH, wants her DH to be there wether she needs him or not, and notices other women don't have DHs or are in an undignified state (bleeding, BFing, urinating) but don't care because Nice Norman is bonding for a few more hours a day and she's got her way - then yes, that is a selfish attitude.

my main gripe anyway is with hospital policy which in principle throws vulnerable women under the bus to make way for men's needs.

Can I ask do you think it's selfish to not want other people's DPs in a ward 24 hours a day, inducing when sleeping, when you're in that fragile and vulnerable state? What about if women are victims of sexual abuse or DV?