Partner on wards after birth - part 2!

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Wanted to continue this discussion as someone asked about stats re impact of visitors on wards.

I doubt there's stats anywhere (can't find anything with a quick Google anyway) but ask yourselves, why are visiting times the NHS over generally kept to a few hours a day? Because it's disruptive for the ward and patients need rest, and it can be a huge infection prevention risk. This is no different for maternity.

Original Thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2790704-About-partners-on-the-ward-after-childbirth

I agree with you bird. It's cherry whose posts I find v insulting and belittling what I went through - she has made it crystal clear she thinks I was selfish in having DP there. And that I disagree with, given that the situation is - oh so wrongly - how it is.

she has made it crystal clear she thinks I was selfish in having DP there.

You're the only one who seems to be reading it that way.

Right, but for those having babies RIGHT NOW, what are they supposed to do until this alternative solution is put in place??

Honestly? I can see both sides of this. I think the most reasonable stopgap is the wards for those who want partners, and wards for those who definitely don't want men staying overnight under any circumstances, with the appreciation that there may be circumstances where provision and need don't directly match, and not everyone may get what they want/need, meaning midwives will have to make decisions about who goes where based on need, including both physical and psychological need.

With DS1 (who was signicantly more unwell post birth than hale and hearty DS2, and I was correspondingly more stressed and exhausted, though without the physical limitations and impacts of a C-section birth) I would have loved DH to stay, but it was against Trust policy at the time.

With DS2, he was allowed to stay but we decided it made more sense for him to go home (in the wee hours after we were transferred to the ward after many hours or stitching up - it was quite the jigsaw puzzle), because he needed to collect DS1 from our friends first thing in the morning.

The key to both was responsive staff. I know I'm lucky to have given birth in a good hospital, or maybe it's a shit hospital and was lucky both times. But my experience should not be the exception.

Your 12 hour rule would have made my experience utterly horrific. And now you want me to accept that I would have been selfish in not inflicting that on myself

And your 24 hour rule would be utterly horrific for me. My compromise was a compromise, it's just not one you like because you don't want to budge on having your way.

And stop saying I've called peoplejusg wanting support "fucking selfish" when I haven't. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm posting it in a foreign language.

butterflies maybe I'm being thick but seeing as MLUs are for low risk mothers, if the men-overnight rule was to be imposed anywhere, surely it should be on CLUs where women have been through traumatic births and are more vulnerable? That sounds so backwards doesn't it!

Oh and everything Jassy said with bells on - and I know I'm part of the bunfight, I should probably spend my energy elsewhere but I don't like being told I'm being hysterical for not wanting to be sleeping around strange men when posters don't know why I feel that way, so I'm seriously fucked off

Because hey, who doesn't want to be sharing a room with a bunch of strangers right after giving birth, right?

Yeah, but, bird, we're only women at a very vulnerable stage in our lives. Doesn't really count versus real actual people, right?

Cherry what the hell would you say to me, my baby was born 12 weeks early and was in NICU on ventilation, I was on a postnatal ward- Do you HONESTLY think my husband should have been sent home to save other people's privacy? If the answer to that is yes then F*ck you.

Everyone's birth is different and people's needs are different, the need for practical and emotional support massively outweighs the need for 'privacy'. And as for talking about your vagina in earshot of other men, their wives have just been through the exact same thing! It's ridiculous that you are even suggesting any less than 24 hour partner visiting.

And if, god forbid, my baby had died, under your rules, my husband wouldn't have been there!!

I find saying you didn't want men there but wanted your DP so compromised hysterical when telling women, who don't want to sleep in a space with strange men and can't have the choice to compromise about anything, to compromise.

ImYourMama if you weren't put in a private room in that situation then that is utterly disgusting.

The etiquette in my post natal ward was to ask one of the other mums to keep an eye on your baby if you needed to go to the bathroom. Is that not what other people did?

Everyone's birth is different and people's needs are different, the need for practical and emotional support massively outweighs the need for 'privacy

I completely understand you had a horrific time. But I think it's important to recognise that others may have different - and totally opposite - emotional and practical support needs, and that past experiences and trauma can make having unknown men around very, very difficult.

I would hope that any woman in your situation would be in a private room - our hospital was very clear that priority would always be given to mothers whose babies were in the NICU or to bereaved parents when it came to those rooms, even if it meant moving luckier women.

I'm so sorry you went through that, and I hope your baby is doing great now.

ImYourMama - I had a preemie too, and DH was allowed on NICU 24/7 but not in the postnatal ward with me outside of normal visiting hours (can't remember exactly what they were, but something like 1pm-9pm for partners, 4pm-7pm for other visitors). This made complete sense to me.

JustinBobby the only space for me after a horrendous EMCS was in a postnatal ward with 5 other women, my husband and I just held each other and cried all night. He didn't even go to the toilet on the ward and walked to the visitors toilets near the hospital entrance to ensure he didn't disturb anyone else. So it's horrific that women have been abused and may be uncomfortable with men there, but I think my circumstances are the countenance to that.

Right, but for those having babies RIGHT NOW, what are they supposed to do until this alternative solution is put in place?

Well ok, of I were to give birth tomorrow (very possible as I'm nearly due) I'd be happy as my local hospital has the 12-hour rule. If they had 24:7 visiting I would have said long ago I'm not giving birth there. But this is not ideal as someone may actually be in that situation.

I for one would be happy to champion singular NHS policies where all hospitals had the same rules and there was no postcode lottery. In that respect a consultation on the matter would be the only way to go forward. Maybe that's what will happen if anything comes off the back of the MNHQ survey.

There's so much anger and fear caused by shitty postnatal care. The lack of compassion for new parents in difficult circumstances is appalling.

Personally, my mental health would be compromised by being forced to not sleep in a room full of men I don't know.

Do postnatal generally have day rooms? Maybe men could stay there overnight and just come in wards at night when doing something to help with a hcp close by.

imyourmomma agree with you, our DS came out emcs and rushed away. If he hadn't been there 24/7 I'd have been walking back and forth to ICU alone in th middle of the night hours after major surgery as well as taking up a nurse or hca as even in a private room toucan hear the babies and I wasn't emotionally stable

Olennas that's great for you, but my DH not being there would have meant I'd have completely and utterly broken down. So it may have made sense for you but it bloody well didn't for me!

she has made it crystal clear she thinks I was selfish in having DP there

OH MY GOD!! Making stuff up again.

I said you're selfish because you don't give a fuck about other women's feelings and don't want to compromise even in the slightest. That does make you selfish. Not because you wanted him there. I never said that and I'm sick of repeating myself

No, I'm not the only one reading her posts that way. I hope her next birth goes smoothly. If she has my experience - which I hope she won't - she might realise how awful it would have been to have been left alone.

MommaGee everyone else on my ward had their babies with them: we were just crying and massaging my boobs to try and collect precious colostrum. Literally the worst 24 hours of my entire life. I hope your little one is ok now x

Women with babies in NICU having to share a ward with a bunch of other mothers and their healthy babies is fucking awful, and it's another aspect of the truly shit state of maternity care that needs fixing. Ugh.

There was a woman in my room whose baby was in SCBU the first night (and back with her mother after that fortunately). There were enough staff for someone to take her down there whenever she asked, but she was pretty ill herself and it's a bad state of affairs when that doesn't warrant a private room.

I found this NHS privacy and dignity report very interesting reading
www.nhs.uk/nhsengland/aboutnhsservices/nhshospitals/documents/privacy%20and%20dignity.pdf

My phone is having difficulties c&ping from a PDF.

If the answer to that is yes then Fck you.*

Nice no I wouldn't suggest that actually at all, I would fight tooth and nail to make sure people like you have a private room or a sleeping space somewhere private. But go ahead and assume and swear at me

It's ridiculous that you are even suggesting any less than 24 hour partner visiting.

In your opinion. I think it's ridiculous some people think this should be a general rule for all

Temporary, I don't know what kind of birth experience Cherry had or will have, but I had one very similar to yours (complete with the projectile vomiting!). I still don't want 24/7 partner visiting - I want everyone to have the same staff support that I did, though, and no-one to be left alone.

Stop backtracking cherry. I wanted him there and he stayed there. According to you now, that would be selfish in the future but was OK then because it's in the past???

No?

Then I must have been selfish in wanting him there. That's what you said.

As I have also said, he wasn't there 24/7. He went home for a couple of hours during the day for showers, to let our budgies out etc. those hours were awful. If that had been for 12 hours at a time, esp that first night, I would have been in even more of a mess!