To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

burgungy

Of course it's good that your DH has your son's back. It sounds like there's a lot of history there and of course he will be affected if he didn't have this in his childhood.

However how he is questioning and interrogating the teachers is totally and utterly counter productive. Can't he see that? I'm sorry but he sounds a complete nightmare and no one (not even a teacher) likes to be patronised. You have to get him to stop this somehow. It will only have a detrimental affect on your son in the long run.

I'm sorry but 'at least he's involved' in my book is not good enough. I would much prefer my DH to be uninvolved if he was like that.

Crikey, he really does sound very unpleasant OP. He must be a flipping nightmare to live with? Is it only school stuff he gets like this about? What you've described is not standing up for his children. It's harassment.

For year 5 I would not be going in over this ( I have a year 5 DS) I am trying to teach my DS to deal with things in school himself this year.

If kids were nicking his stuff and he couldn't deal with it himself then yes I would go in..

He got into trouble for been in the wrong place at the wrong time..If he wasn't in the wrong place he wouldn't of been blamed for the other stuff.

I can't see what you need to resolve that DS can't..If teacher thinks differently of your DS because of his dad I don't think another parent going in will help the situation.

Your husband is the main problem - why don't you take it up with him?

I know Rousette, but seriously, what can I do?

DS hasn't been in trouble before, really. He was quiet when he came in and I asked if everything was okay and the story came out in dribs and drabs.

Flood "why DS was put there in the first place, asking rhetorical questions, saying it was a misguided idea. On and on and on

This is aggressive. You don't need to shout or even raise your voice to be aggressive."

I think if this is the case then aggression must be subjective to the person on the receiving end of it. I'm not sure if that is a ? or ! I wouldn't consider this aggression myself. Depending on his tone.

B

Your dh sounds extremely aggressive. My colleagues and I take a very dim view of parents who come in with that attitude. From what you've described, I wouldn't meet him without a colleague present.

I know Rousette, but seriously, what can I do?

For starters, I wouldn't be telling him about every minor incident at school. It sounds like he dissects it to bits then overrides you by insisting on going in and sorting it out. But 'sorting it out' means getting the teachers' backs up, hence this latest incident. TBH I don't blame the teacher, what she said probably slipped out after numerous meetings being told how to do her job.

Either that or you tell him to bog off and insist on dealing with it all yourself.

How's the rest of your relationship? (Sorry to ask but honestly if I asked my DH to leave it to me, he would.)

I don't, Rousette. He finds out from DS.

I'm not excusing him, but I am finding the people putting the blame on my door for his behaviour a bit

Well.... you have to tackle your DH head on with this. Tell him that from now on you will be dealing with the school not him. Tell him you welcome his feedback but you want to be the one to go in and speak to the teachers. Tell him that his behaviour and long winded twatty meetings with school staff is starting to affect your son and you aren't having it.

Does he go into school without telling you?

Is it possible the teacher never mentioned your DH at all, but because he goes into school a lot DS has just added that part in?

II had a difficult mother but I'm not aware of any teachers who disliked me because of it. She was difficult for me, too

I remember one teacher I had being really awful to me because of my mother and it really upset me

So OP which is it?

Sadly kids this age are reluctant to paint themselves in a negative light, so you are only ever getting half the story. Thus when DH goes in all guns blazing, you're 'those' parents whose rude and I'll disciplined child can do no wrong. Kids lie. Especially to parents. Teach him authority instead of undermining the teachers fgs

I'm not excusing him, but I am finding the people putting the blame on my door for his behaviour a bit

OP - YABU.

You know it. Your son is NINE. If your DH continues to behave like a dick to teachers then you've got years of this.

You have a duty to protect your son, no?

That includes stopping his Dad getting sneery with anyone who has a role to play in his education. What next, scout leader, friends parents, girlfriends parents, his first boss?

As his DM it is your job to stop your DH from fucking up your sons relationships, be it with teachers, friends, employers. You know he's a dick, if you don't step in then your twenty nine year old son won't be visiting you at home due to his interfering parents.

Your son got told off for being in the wrong place. That's it.

Wow OP so what do you intend to do?
Based on MN, your son is a stirring, conniving liar and the teacher was upset with your DH but because your son was doing wrong, it's okay. You need to put your DH in order (because apparently you can control what he does). You are the kind of parent that always defends their child even when they have done something wrong, and it would be wrong of you to trust anything your DS says (I only wish I had these parents), cause a child's go to position is to lie to make themselves look better (actually I do agree partially with this one).

So who will you tackle first?

DH insisted on meeting with the teacher, demanding to know why DS was put there in the first place, asking rhetorical questions, saying it was a misguided idea. On and on and on.

Jesus! In my school, after a performance like that, our HT would not allow your dh to have individual meetings with any teacher without a member of the SLT being present. I'm afraid his card would be well and truly marked.

OP: "AIBU to think this teacher was unprofessional?"

Most of MN: "Yes, you are being unreasonable: there must be more to it than DS is telling you."

OP: "I still think the teacher is being UR".

Put your foot down with DH and understand that the teacher probably had her reasons. You don't see your son's behaviour 5 hours a day and what this is essentially boiling down to is that you believe a 9 year old over a fellow adult, professional one at that. Your son must be picking up on this whether or not you are explicit in stating it.

Also, pick your battles. One day you might need your DH to go in and fight your son's corner and for good reason too, but because of his past form you and he may find it hard to be taken seriously.

I don't know Buck3t! Lots to do there.

Limited seriously, if the teachers refuse to help with a serious issue because DH complained before then that's when we need to find another school.

I think you are missing out rather a lot. If there is more to it than DS is telling me, I can find that out tomorrow, can't I? :)

But what is there to find out? I would let it go, honestly I would.

It's like the boy crying wolf - if you DH is nitpicking over minor things and patronising the teachers with long winded meetings, it is human nature to think 'oh... here he goes again...'

Did you genuinely want advice or validation of your son's behaviour and DH's approach? You are clearly getting a wealth of replies from parents and teachers yet still ignore it.

Limited, clearly you want an argument, that's okay, but you're not getting one from me.

Rousette, I am concerned that DHs behaviour is causing DS to be treated less than kindly, which seems to be a good enough reason to at least politely query today's events. The point is - whatever people are claiming - DS really hasn't done anything here other than be in a room he wasn't supposed to be in and a 'normal' telling off was adequate for this.

It doesn't matter one jot if her Dh card is marked it should not be reflected in the way op son is spoken to or treated.

It was petty what she said and I wouldn't expect that of one of my colleagues. I would like to think she would be thinking about what she said this afternoon because she basically told him to go get his dad so she could argue with him.

Children are not automatically liars when teachers are involved.

op I'd be annoyed at this too

And believe it or not, teachers won't take you seriously after a while. Especially not if you complain about this. That is not a mark of a bad school but a reflection of how brow beaten teachers can get when they feel they are under scrutiny from parents who actually don't have much idea of the demands of teaching a class of 32 and can't possibly imagine that little Timmy isn't an angel.

I would let it go. I agree your H sounds like an arse; he is not doing your DS any favours.