To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

I'm not saying be sorry for being married to him. It doesn't affect me. Or having a go at you. All I am trying to say is that being married to someone who is prone to upsetting people and pissing them off is likely to cause you and your DS grief. It's not fair, no, but it is reality.

Burgundy, I give up as you seem to be getting annoyed and going on the defensive with an awful lot of people, except the actual one you should be directing your annoyance at.

Mine and PP's opinion of your DH have come from what YOU have said about him. You called him a twat, you called him difficult, you painted that picture of him. Your description of his behaviour made him sound like a complete wanker, yet when people point that out and that he is maybe the main problem here, you go on the defensive.

Talk about shoot the messenger . I'm out.

A lady who can't have a conversation about how he acted and it's impact because she fears his reaction. A child who would fear telling his father about any problems at school for fear of his reaction.

The rest of the post was codswallop (you are not controlling if you upset a teacher or question the way they are doing their job and we have no idea how controlling the bloke is generally) - but burgundy do you really feel that you and your son have to hide this for fear of an aggressive, explosive reaction?

slender, not really. He wouldn't explode or get aggressive. He is sometimes stricter with the children than I'd like but then that's not a bad thing, necessarily.

demon, if you could explain to me what good getting annoyed with DH would do, then that might be helpful. What objective would it achieve?

I wonder if demon means if you show annoyance/irritation to your DH, will he take a step back & reflect on his actions?
Sometimes showing you feel very strongly about something, maybe by getting unusually annoyed; is the only way to get through to some people.
I'm not suggesting aggression or abuse btw.
(Might have got the wrong end of the stick too).

He hasn't been in at all this year.

if you could explain to me what good getting annoyed with DH would do, then that might be helpful. What objective would it achieve?

When DH does something that annoys me, he is under no illusions about it. I let him know! Why wouldn't I? Luckily it doesn't happen all that often, but it does happen. And I can't imagine sweeping those feelings under the carpet, because 'what good would it do?'

What good would it do?

It would allow him to know you're unhappy about a situation. It would open up discussion. It would reduce / eliminate the chances of it happening again.

Or, at least it would in the case of two reasonable people in a mutually satisfying relationship.

I guess I can see why you're asking 'what good would it do?' if that doesn't apply to you.

Burgundy - you're the one describing your DH as arrogant, sneery, a knob, etc. We're simply going by your own description of the man.

Yes, I know that Dowager, but, to return to the point of the thread, if any blame for that can be laid at my door that's one thing but it's certainly unfair to hold DS responsible.

But burgundy you've sorted out the DS being held responsible angle, now you have to sort out the DH bit.

I'm like Dowager .. if my DH makes a pigs ear of something he knows about it from me! Are you having to tread on eggshells or something?

You asked upthread "but what can I do" or words to that effect. I suggest that now you have sorted out the teacher comment thing, you tell your DH about the whole incident and how his behaviour has affected the school's perception of him, and thereby your son too.

That's absolutely ridiculous

Why is it ridiculous?

You're in a relationship with a man that you're too scared to tell about your DS getting into trouble at school.

You can dress it up any way you like but that's the stark truth.

But apparently I should be telling him and using it as an opportunity to give him a telling off.

It's ridiculous because he wouldn't think 'oh, how silly of me, I have caused the teacher to be rude to my child.' I agree with him, but he would involve the headteacher and governers and get the poor teacher in a whole load of bother.

Not sure why it's ridiculous when you were asking posters what you should do earlier in the thread. You asked that and said what are you supposed to do, you can't physically hold him back. That means to me, he doesn't listen to you, and you need a long chat about this.

Bloody hell burgundy it must be bad if that's what he'd do. He sounds very very difficult understatement

Parents are meant to be united on this sort of thing. How on earth does this bode well for the future?

Blimey, is this debate still raging on??

It'll be time for DP's bi-annual jaunt to the school in a minute.

Rousette genuinely, why - what would be the point? - of stirring up a load of trouble when I've managed the situation myself and quite calmly. Yes, he is difficult.

Because burgnudy this is putting off the invevitable.

Next time.

Which there will be, there always are issues at school.

No, you've misunderstood.

Would it be very forward of me to ask why you got back together? It sounds like a v stressful existence. You're not exactly working as a team, are you? :(

Loads of reasons.

Because I was miserable, the children were miserable, money, time, been together since I was 16, hard to explain really, it was like half an existence. I was severely depressed.

Yes sometimes I question if I made the right decision then I remember that I did.

Do you have more than one child, OP? If so, does your DP behave like this about their education?

Sounds v stressful for you.

Well.... I genuinely wish you all the best and hope it can all get sorted.

Yes, we have more than one child. Not school age yet.

I hate to break this to you, but your dh will be a known trouble maker and as such will be ignored by the governors for any "he said she said" tittle tattle anyway. The Head will back the teacher on this. You have to focus on root causes of issues and not get sidetracked by your ds. DS, you were in the wrong place therefore you were in the wrong. The end. Now you are also telling tales on the teacher, to me that is more trouble making. Up to your room you go and no gadgets to tonight. Don't you see he is just trying to distract you with something to get him of the hook?