No Burgundy I'm not saying you should have to accept it as such, just accept that similar issues are likely to crop up in the future, and if he continues to act like this then similar things are likely to occur that will (unfairly) impact on you and DS in some way. Abusive, shitty behaviour attracts a response and confrontation. It goes with the territory.
No, it is not fair when people lump you in with him, but it will happen regardless. And yes, each time it does you are free to confront whoever does it, but I can't help thinking that in confronting only THEIR shitty behaviour and not HIS that you are avoiding the root of the problem, hence the likelihood of similar in the future. Two people were in the wrong here - why is only her behaviour being called out?
And yes, I see what you are saying about if you separated. But surely it'd be preferable to be thought of as the ex of a twat rather than the long suffering poor wife of one?
And the thing about control and why he 'needed it'. That shouldn't be present or necessary at all in any normal person or relationship. And it sounds to me like hes controlling you too, subtly. It's really shit and unbalanced if you have a relationship with someone you can't even talk to for fear of his response, or because you know it's pointless because he doesn't care enough about your feelings to be able to compromise.
And 'good times' and his ability to be nice can be a blessing and a curse, they can be what keeps you in a relationship where the other side of the coin is twattish, abusive relationship with someone who doesn't care enough about your feelings to stop acting like that.
I'm not telling OP to LTB, just my take on the whole situation, from someone who was once the child of 'that man' then the wife of 'that twat', who knows the sort of shit being associated with people like that (wrongly, yes) brings to you and your children's door. And someone who knows what a relief it is to not have to deal with any of that drama or bolllocks anymore.