To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

She says he's 'engaged and involved in her sons learning'. That's her opinion of his involvement. Doesn't sound like she's too worried about his part in all of this and is fixated on a single remark that may or may not have been made by his teacher. I have rtft thanks.

How selectively you read, then. She has said multiple times that she has hauled him over the coals for this.

Slender I've read the thread too and your interpretation of OP hauling someone (?DH ?DS) over the coals is baffling.

The OP conveys "a hand-wringing/ what can I do/ he's just like that" etc etc approach to her DH's behaviour.

As for DS, OP has not "hauled him over the coals" at all- she intends to if Teacher provides a different story to what happened yesterday.

mulberry

Just for you :)

The first thing the OP says about this issue is in relation to her DP going into school:
I've told him not to.

When asked if she has challenged her DP, she doesn't wring her hands but points out the obvious:
Well, yes, but I can hardly physically hold him back
Were you expecting her to tell us that she's tried locking her DP in the attic?

She hasn't minimised her DP's actions but simply pointed out that a complaint is justified when a teacher throws a tray across the room. And states that he was not, as some posters were gleefully imagining, aggressive in his body language or tone or voice or threatening in the vocabulary he was using.

Again, she stresses:
I have TOLD him to let me sort it

Aside from becoming abusive herself in trying to somehow override another human being's voluntary actions and decision-making processes, it's difficult to see how much more assertive she could be. No handwringing there either, just an acknowledgement of her own perfectly reasonable limitations.

Given the number of times she has acknowledge that her DP has handled his interactions with the school very badly, I agree with her when she says:
I'm not excusing him

She acknowledges that he cares and is involved, which is positive (true). But that the way this is expressed is arrogant and too much and other negative things. This seems like a balanced assessment of her DP's strengths and failings as a parent in relation to this issue, and also a realistic appraisal of her own ability to change the situation.

There is nothing the OP could do now that would satisfy you.

Slender-Just for you- I do not agree with you.
"Hauling someone over the coals"- equates to "wiping the floor with someone" / " going ballistic" it doesn't equate to "I told him not to", or any of the other examples you use.
Perhaps you should pick your phrasing a little more carefully.

Well, maybe you feel abusive behaviour is acceptable but I don't mulberry. I think the OP has metaphorically hauled her DP over the goals as much as is acceptable to do so in an acceptable, non-abusive relationship. Obviously you would like more, which says something about you I'm afraid.

coals not goals!

'hauled her DH over the coals' doesn't cut it when there isn't a single example in the thread of her having done that. Talk about selective reading hey, slender

I think what many are forgetting is that the OP and her DH have at one point been separated, and indeed some of the incidents referred to (DH complaints) took place when they were not together. It would clearly be impossible for the OP to have done anything about her DH's actions in these circumstances.

It appears that they are back together, and are presumably trying to make a go of it, despite DH's limitations, which are candidly and realistically summarized by the OP. Given this situation, I don't think any of us should be judging how energetically the OP has tried to deal with her DH's shortcomings - a second separation is presumably something they are trying to avoid, and the situation may be complex.

In this context (and the school are obviously aware of the situation, given that DH had to go in over the issue of 2nd sets of contact paperwork arising from the separation), I believe the teacher's comment was exceptionally ill-judged. Making it quite clear that they (or perhaps even the entire school staff-room) think DS's father is a dick is not helpful either to the family in its attempt to reform as a cohesive whole; nor to DS himself and his relationship with his father.

It's just the kind of poison we hope feuding parents will not drop in the ear of their children: it sets child against parent, making one of them out to be an embarrassment. I imagine he is confused, humiliated and upset. And I think that this also explains why the OP feels it is important to go in and resolve the matter: winding family members up against one another is not something the school should be engaging in.

slender 'gleefully imagining' certainly sums up a lot of this thread... maybe some people need to be aware of the fact that teachers can and do make mistakes and just as with any other profession, they should be held to account for them. It's amazing what people think they can figure out about a stranger on the internet based on very, very little...

She probably regretted it the moment she said it though. I mean, which of us hasn't said something we regret? She is unlikely to require or welcome the straight bend from the OP, however pleasantly she thinks she can deliver it.

Making it quite clear that they (or perhaps even the entire school staff-room) think DS's father is a dick is not helpful either to the family in its attempt to reform as a cohesive whole; nor to DS himself and his relationship with his father.

It was the OP that described him as 'a dick'

What the teachers may or may not think of him or the whole staffroom you are assuming.

I doubt all this was quite as "clear" as you imagine from a nine year old perspective...

I think any kind of comment about 'send your father in if your not happy - I don't care' is unnecessary, and implies a lack of respect for DH (I am aware that 'dick' was the term used by the OP). And I think the boy was 'subdued' and upset on return back home. I don't think the comment was necessary, or professional; and I still suggest that it was particularly ill-judged to say this to a 9 year old who has already suffered one period of family disturbance.

What the teachers may or may not think of him or the whole staffroom you are assuming.

Virtually every poster on this thread has made it very clear that there is no doubt how the staffroom will be viewing this chap.

Piglet Have you ever been in a school staffroom?

:) no doubt DHs name is mud! Anyway, all sorted, all resolved.

Katvic, thank you too for your very measured responses, much appreciated.

So what's the story, op? Has the teacher been relieved of her duties yet?

Relieved of her duties? What? :)

maybe some people need to be aware of the fact that teachers can and do make mistakes and just as with any other profession, they should be held to account for them

Is this some kind of joke? Teachers are scrutinised and held to more account than any other profession.

Glad it's resolved OP :)

Piglet Have you ever been in a school staffroom?

Yep

basicbrown how on earth could you know that ? as far as this thread goes, they can do no bloody wrong.

go on Burgundy please put us out of our misery. How sorted, how resolved? We all need closure.

How resolved?