To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

The first part of your paragraph is correct.

However, some (not all) of the responses were so ridiculous that I do think it's best to go in, as if teachers are saying quite calmly they would have an issue with a child because of his parent and see nothing wrong with that - then I think it's best all round to clarify and find out what did happen. Will update later.

roussette I agree. This is mainly about the OP's anxiety that her DH being an idiot at the school has adversely affected the school's relationship with her DS. So, at the suggestion that it may have, she's going in to somehow make sure that it hasn't and alleviate her own anxiety.

Well this will be interesting.. what's the betting the teacher's side sounds rather different!

However politely you think you're wording this, the sub-text will be the same.
I strongly advise you not to do it.
predicts OP will ignite and come back here to claim victory, despite being black-listed at school forevermore

Why did you post in Aibu?

The majority of posters have responded with a 'yes' and yet you still cannot see it. You knew what you were going to do before posting.

So the plan is, you go into the teacher and say, if you've a moment I'd appreciate a chance to have a brief chat about an incident yesterday. Ptolemy told me that you were giving out to him because he, Walter and Percy were in the wrong place at lunchtime and in the course of the conversation, you said this.

And then, say, so did you? Or what's your version of events, Mrs Teacher?

I'm struggling to see how this conversation doesn't go without the teacher just starting the day feeling like retrospectively ringing in sick and going home to her telly and gin because she just can't be arsed with it all.

It's just so trivial. Most people say leave it but OP is like a dog with a bone.

let her embarrass herself. Then her poor DS will be the child with 2 of "those parents".

OP do you think this incident could serve as a catalyst for having a conversation with your H about his approach to your S education?

The teachers remark (if indeed she did reference your H) is a very small part of the problem. You've made it clear you find it unacceptable and you're going into school to discuss it.

Are you planning to also follow up with your H to request better behaviour from him too? You've identified he's a much bigger part of the problem.

Next year your son will have a different teacher, and after that will be at a new school. You'll have a chance to start afresh and build a positive relationship with those providing your sons education- would you want to lay the foundations for change now so your family can make best use of that opportunity?

I really can't believe that you've got yourself in such a state about this triviality.

I get it for all his faults he's your H and you see a side to him that the teaching staff don't see but you wouldn't be nearly as forgiving of his twatish side, if that's the side you were mostly exposed to. However innocuous your conversation with the teacher could be, she would rightly or wrongly view your intervention within the context of your PITA H. Don't blow a moment into something bigger, if there's a repeat, then of course say something but at the moment it was just a moment and not a pattern of behaviour.

I get that you want to protect your son but take a step back and think about what you're trying to achieve. The best way to support your son is to equip him with the skills to fight his own battles and given that at present, this is a one off incident, going into school (just like his Dad does) isn't promoting resilience or his own self development of conflict resolution. Talk to your son about the incident and the many different approaches to tackling it, of which Mum and Dad 'having a word' with the teaching staff, is just one.

I understand your sensitivity because of your mother but that is the past and its too soon to be drawing parallels. By enabling your son to become more resilient and to come up with solutions to problems he encounters, you are providing him with a positive life skill that will hopefully temper the poor example your, 'he means well but is nether the less a PITA', H is currently setting.

One of the most important tasks of being a parent is to prepare our children for the moments we won't or can't be there. Turn this not so great thing into a positive and teach your child differently than the lessons he's currently learning from his father. I'm pretty confident his father's arrogance and dismissive ways aren't behaviours that are confined to teaching staff or outside the home.

Does your son know that you intend to go and speak to the teacher?

nolonger well... yes... I would be treading on eggshells if I thought that everyday issues at school (and we've all had them) would result in my DH tipping up at school and demanding a meeting to nitpick over a trivial issue.

I would be absolutely mortified if I thought the school had an issue with how me or my DH handle interraction with the school - back in the day, I worked with the school, not against them. Many a time my kids would casually mention something that the teacher had said to them and I would think "hmmm, Miss Smith is having a bad day" or "that's a bit strange, oh well..." but I would not be going in and nitpicking

Let's assume worst case scenario and you are right, OP. Let's assume the teachers do treat your DS different because of your DH's picking petty fights. How can you going in to discuss help?

Teachers do lots of voluntary, beyond the job interactions with kids. Tiny little things to encourage and nurture every day. You think it possible a teacher is vindictive enough to pick on your son for his father's sins. Don't you think that your son would be at the back of the queue, receiving minimum service and not a single encouraging word again if the teacher was that petty?

Because if the teacher is professional, no point having this discussion. If the teacher isn't professional, you should avoid this discussion at all costs.

It seems daft to me for you to go in to complain that the school's relationship with DS may have been harmed by your DH's well-known tendency to go in and complain.

Just stop complaining, let the poor teachers just teach.

I am not a teacher.

It seems daft to me for you to go in to complain that the school's relationship with DS may have been harmed by your DH's well-known tendency to go in and complain

This is the most sensible statement ever! Take note OP.

As I've said, the most difficult parent by far at DSs school is a headteacher!

Sorry but so fucking what??

Why do you keep banging on about him being A Headteacher like he's some sort of paragon? You're embarrassing yourself.

You also say you just want to "ask a question". Why? Why not just leave it?

You're so smug and passive-aggressive it's untrue. If your dh is worse than you then I pity everyone who has the misfortune to come into contact with you.

Your son is probably a nice little boy now. With more influence from the pair of you, he'll turn out to be a right wanker.

You seem to see your dh's unreasonable behaviour as a badge of honour. Except you separated from him. The poor school doesn't have that choice.

Yes, the teachers who are usually stepping down are the ones who get into spats with 9 year olds! It is ALWAYS so obvious who the bitter teachers are on here. Seriously the amount of nasty hard done by comments from teachers on this thread is shocking. Oddly, I haven't met any like that in real life unless they just all vent their poor me issues on here. Anyway, please don't shoot me down because just like a teacher....I'm only human!

On the occasions when your DH has belittled, humiliated and patronised staff you must have been there because you know what was said.
I would bet that the member of staff on the receiving end of that has gone into the staffroom weeping. In that situation the teacher can only take it on the chin. You can't answer back to a parent 'merely exercising his rights', however rudely he does so.
I would also bet that you are equally dreaded by the staff or, worse perhaps, pitied.
So, unconsciously or not, they all tread on eggshells when dealing with your son for fear of your DH unleashing another tirade of scorn and when caught doing something wrong with other boys the teacher had no choice but to tell them all off knowing she was risking a complaint from you or DH. She had to do it anyway or lose any credibility with the other boys, who have probably already picked up on the careful handling of your boy. Then, lo and behold, your son answers back, however well meaning, but have you stopped to consider his tone of voice when doing so. Was there a trace of your DH's attitude in how he spoke?
He has heard your DH for years expressing contempt for teachers. Now you too are using the word 'unprofessional' about a teacher.

Having his dad over-zealously fighting his battles will turn the kid into the worst kind of pathetic, entitled chump. Do you want that?

I'm totally with the teacher there. It might not be a wholly appropriate thing for a teacher to say but it's very much how the world works, so the kid should be thankful.

If I'd been told off at school telling my parents would be the last thing I did. But this kid's done exactly that, because he knows what reaction he'll get.

Some people are always looking for an excuse, to pass the blame and distract from their own wrongdoing and this behaviour from the parents engenders it in the kid. We're breeding a generation of entitled wankers - I totally feel for teachers.

To be fair to the OP, she said her DS came home from school a bit quiet and she asked him what was wrong, as opposed to him coming in.

But that still doesn't take away from the issue of going in and challenging a teacher about an 'innocuous' matter (the OP's words). What's the bloody point given you have a reputation at the school anyway? Tackle your DH for god's sake and stop trying to divert the blame. There is so obviously a problem with his approach - that's why you haven't told him about the latest incident.

*as opposed to him straightaway telling her.

The most sensible way of dealing with this would be to send the annoying Dad in saying 'I hear you want to speak to me Miss S'.

LOL she won't do it again and the joke in the staffroom will be on her.

Yabu, it's such a tiny thing......

poor me issues Teaching is a bloody hell hole at the moment.

After stating that you firmly believe your son was being "helpful" by denying he made the mess, and his only desire was to help catch the real culprits (yes, you really did say that) you've shown yourself to be such a deluded fool that nothing else you say can possibly be taken seriously; or the whole thing is a big windup.
Maybe the teacher will make him Mess Monitor, with special powers to punish the unwary mess makers. They might licence him to use a taser on the messy diehards, perhaps.
But only after they've taught him to stay out of places he shouldn't be in, and keep his gob shut when he's being spoken to.

ThanksSpanx

Read the thread. How many times has the OP explicitly said that she has done this in no uncertain terms?