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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

838 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 15:50

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/11/2016 22:32

You're determined to ignore the idea that maybe your DS did threaten to tell his dad, or why would she have shouted 'I don't care'? His dad sounds like one of those parents where we all roll our eyes and ignore the stupidity. Going in is making this a massive incident, the child was somewhere he shouldn't have been, he got bollocked, fair play, he needs to learn that mummy or daddy won't defend him when he was doing wrong, which is the only message going into school will convey. I promise you, we have far more important stuff to deal with.

JustSpeakSense · 28/11/2016 22:33

Fgs don't go in to the school...just drop it now Hmm

thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 22:33

And if she did say it? Bring your dad/parent in if you like?

And here is the OP, going in. As requested. The teacher can now explain clearly what her issue was with the son's behaviour.

Sorted!

AmIImaginingThis · 28/11/2016 22:35

OP honestly you have inflated this in your head to something WAY bigger than it needs to be, just drop it. You going into the school even making a "friendly enquiry" will just make you and your husband that couple. You are going to make everything worse. Reign your husband in, shield him from everything in the school if you have to to stop him belittling the people teaching your children, and don't stir up trouble over this non issue.

thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 22:43

You going into the school even making a "friendly enquiry" will just make you and your husband that couple.

Too late. I think that ship has sailed.

MrsDustyBusty · 28/11/2016 22:44

The teacher can now explain clearly what her issue was with the son's behaviour.

Is this in doubt? I thought the OP was quite clear about what was wrong there, in fairness to her.

OP, it's not easy to let things go but it honestly sounds as though you're doing exactly what you mentioned your husband does - stewing on an issue till it becomes magnified out of all proportion and something you must Do Something about. Clearly you have decided that this won't go untrained. I wonder whether you could wait till parent's evening rather than having a special trip?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 28/11/2016 22:48

I've rtft and am still totally baffled. You're upset because you think your son has been ridiculed as his dad complains to the school too often, and you're going to fix it by complaining to school?

It seems like such a minor thing. Maybe your son said something inappropriate. Maybe the teacher did. Meh. Leave it. Move on. Tomorrow is another day.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 23:00

Interesting so many seem convinced even asking an innocuous question is a 'complaint' - not in my book@

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 28/11/2016 23:03

So how are you planning to approach it so it's not a complaint?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 28/11/2016 23:05

But if it's innoucuous, why bother?

I just think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

JustSpeakSense · 28/11/2016 23:09

Mr and mrs Burgundy are going to be the talk of the staff room tomorrow...your poor DS

Phalenopsisgirl · 28/11/2016 23:09

You seem in need of some real problems if you think this equals a big issue
you seem completely unable to imagine anything other than exactly what your ds said happened
If your ds is like you are in this thread then he too likes to misinterpret what people actually say and give it a whole new meaning. I didn't call your ds anything I was trying to explain how kids behave, all kids at some point or another embellish the truth re stuff that happens at school. You are incredibly naive to get yourself in this much of a tizz over something that probably didn't even happen in the way your ds has told you.

JustSpeakSense · 28/11/2016 23:11

You are incredibly naive to get yourself in this much of a tizz over something that probably didn't even happen

^^ That pretty much sums up this entire thread

Bunnyfuller · 28/11/2016 23:15

What if, just imagine, what if, ds missed out one teeny part of the dialogue - the part where he said 'I'm telling my dad'. The teacher mentioning it out of the blue is a bit random, and seems more like a response. Otherwise I am guessing ds has made a comment around his daddy going to the school and telling the teacher off. She wouldn't be saying that out of nowhere, particularly as you've said he went in for something not directly related to your son. How does the teacher even know your son knows about dad going in previously?

pieceofpurplesky · 28/11/2016 23:15

OP I don't know what happened as I was not there. My personal opinion is that tomorrow you will find out your son said something about his dad.
I just wanted to say though that your Dh is having a negative impact on your son anyway. I had a girl with a parent like that. GCSE so two years worth of an arrogant man throwing rhetorical questions at me and demanding to know what I was going to do to ensure his daughter's A* (she was a C grade candidate). He almost broke me. He wore me down bit by bit. He involved the head as he felt I wasn't teaching his daughter correctly. He was vile. Just as you have described your Dh. The girl flitted between being mortified and using it to her advantage. I found myself not being the teacher I knew I could be as I was teaching to his daughter not the whole class ... teaching can cause many problems

TheNoodlesIncident · 28/11/2016 23:30

think he was misguidedly trying to help, yes Maybe that's how he presented it to you afterwards. I would bet good money that it didn't occur to him at the time; in the heat of the moment, people will say what they hope will get them out of trouble.

"asking an innocuous question" isn't how it would be viewed - you've taken the time out of your schedule to go in and pose your innocuous question - that implies it's not a trivial thing, that you are taking it seriously; it suggests it's more like a sketchily veiled criticism than just an innocent question.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 28/11/2016 23:34

Genuinely I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here.

Your biggest issue is your knob of a husband. His "polite enquiries" are complaints because the subtext is that the school is not doing things well enough. Once in a while that's fair enough. But again and again and again is ridiculous.

Your son being in the wrong place is not good. But him answering back about the rubbish is not the sign of a helpful person. No child or adult in the history of the world gets caught doing something wrong and then thinks "Gosh I really want to help this person and it's going to be helpful to deny that I have dropped it". It's not helpful - it is argumentative and defensive. You must know that. Helpful would have been "sorry miss it's not mine but I will pick it up all the same no problem". That would be "helpful". What he was actually doing was trying to make sure he didn't get in any more trouble than he was.

I don't think the teacher was right to mention him. But your priority should be to ensure your son does not live his life knowing that the 3 main sources of authority in his life - his mum his dad and his school - don't see eye to eye.

Trust me on this one. He's watching and learning and very soon he will be playing you all off against each other. You've already said you haven't told your husband about today's misbehaviour. Why not? Why are you keeping things secret and creating more issues?

LifeLong13 · 28/11/2016 23:35

As a teacher your husband is the kind of parent I dread. I guarantee you he's a "everyone should play by the rules...apart from me- I'm a special snowflake" kind of guy. He was probably bullied at school and has decided to play this out via his son.

CanadaMoose · 28/11/2016 23:41

Is your son Draco Malfoy, by chance? You guys seem far too involved in the school and seem to make yourselves rather intimidating. Back off.

JustSpeakSense · 28/11/2016 23:54

GrinDraco Malfoy

To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?
TheStoic · 29/11/2016 00:54

I completely get your concern, OP. I'd hate to think that my children had been 'labelled' negatively due to the behaviour of their parent. That's very unfair.

But it's not the school or the teacher you have to address this with, it's your husband.

PterodactylToenails · 29/11/2016 01:11

There are some bitter teachers on this thread. If teachers are finding the job really difficult and stressful they should step down because statements such as " the teacher was probably at the end of her tether" and "your sons cards are marked" are extremely worrying to hear as a parent. If I had any inclination that my "child's cards were marked" because I had dared raised a query about something I wasn't happy about then I would be going one higher than the Head for an investigation.

nolongersurprised · 29/11/2016 01:13

OP, don't go in. If you do you're teaching your son that every time he gets in trouble he just needs to discuss some associated perceived injustice to you and you'll march in to "defend" him.

He'll end up self-righteous and entiltled and just the way you describe your husband.

Let it go - later on you may need discuss something genuine and/or learning related with his teachers, and it's easier if you're not already "that parent".

paxillin · 29/11/2016 01:25

There are some bitter teachers on this thread

Bitter is an unnecessary taunt designed to devalue people's opinion. They might be exasperated, jaded and maybe even angry. But do allow them those emotions without belittling. I am not a teacher, not that it matters.

BarbarianMum · 29/11/2016 02:47

There are some bitter teachers on this thread

I'd be bitter if I had to deal with parents kicking up a fuss every time I dared to tell "helpful" little Timmy to obey a school rule.