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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

838 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 15:50

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

OP posts:
slenderisthenight · 28/11/2016 21:51

There can never be a guarantee that a teacher (or a doctor, or a police officer, or a stranger on the street, or...) won't say something that offends him again. They are people, and they will sometimes say something amiss.

You're being coy IMO, crikey. If someone came to me and said, 'You're welcome to discipline my son but please don't suggest that he runs home and brings his dad back while you're doing it,' I would know exactly what I had done. Unless I made a habit of speaking like this (in which case a challenge would be more than appropriate), I would find it easy to say, 'Ok, digs about his dad are off-limits.' If I was playing dumb, I might say, 'Oh but I couldn't possibly promise not to mention his dad because sometimes I encourage the children's parents to contact me!'. But I would be playing dumb because there is world of difference between saying this to a child and singling one child out.

I agree that teachers shouldn't feel afraid to discipline because of fears from reprisals from parents. But any teacher listening carefully to the OP's message would be able to hear that she didn't have a problem with him being told off (she has conveyed that clearly here) but did have a problem with the suggestion about his dad. Unfortunately the kind of teacher who doesn't have a problem with saying this is probably not the type to take input well.

slenderisthenight · 28/11/2016 21:51

saying this to children

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 21:52

Thank you again slender

Witch

I agree. I absolutely agree. DS is in year 5: I haven't raised any concerns before.

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 28/11/2016 21:54

I'm totally sympathetic to any of the teachers privately thinking DH is a knob, but they shouldn't be conveying this view to his son.

Maybe, but:

  1. You shouldn't be conveying the view that you don't 100% support the teachers
  2. Unfortunately, lecturing them on the best way to do their job is going to have a lot less impact coming from the 'difficult' family.

With every complaint you weaken the impact of the next one (and tarnish your DS). So why not at least save it for an incident when your child isn't actually in the wrong?

Topseyt · 28/11/2016 21:55

Just go right ahead then OP. You are clearly going to anyway, so just go ahead and then come back and tell us your whitewashed version afterwards.

You came for validation really, but most people didn't give it and cautioned you against going in.

Will look forward to your update.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 28/11/2016 21:56

I think some posters are waaay to invested in this thread Hmm

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 21:56

Because I don't agree with you, Basket

I'm sorry. I want to, believe it or not :) but I don't.

I have no intention of lecturing anybody, rest assured.

As I've said, the most difficult parent by far at DSs school is a headteacher!

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 22:00

You must also bear in mind that he only message the staff will hear if you go in is that you're taking issue with the fact that your son was in the wrong. They will perceive your point about what the teacher may or may not have said as deflection.
And you'll have further damaged the home-school relationship.

Is it really worth it?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 22:01

I'm afraid I'm not going to take responsibility for the fact the school staff can't get their facts straight, in that case :)

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 22:02

Fine. You're determined to do your own thing. Go ahead.
You will not advance your cause or do your son any favours at all, however. Know that.

DixieNormas · 28/11/2016 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 22:05

I think he was misguidedly trying to help, yes.

We have had A Word about it.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 28/11/2016 22:07

Perhaps what happened today could be a sign that your DH needs to back off a bit and let your DS learn to face the music on his own.

Things are quite different in high school, and equipping DS to fight his own battles would serve him well.

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/11/2016 22:09

An awful lot here depends on whether the OP's child actually said anything challenging to the teacher about his father, provoking the remark "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care". If he did, then the teacher's (exasperated) remark was completely understandable. If he didn't however, as the OP claims, then the teacher should not have involved the child's father in the discussion. It is not a child's fault that's his father is tactless and rude in his dealings with the school, and this should not have been used against the child. The trouble is that we just don't know and it is wrong for posters just to assume that the child did - it is sheer supposition without any evidence. I assume that the reason the OP is planning to go in is to clear this up by asking the teacher what was said.

I completely understand why she would want to but, in this case, it would be very unwise and counter-productive to take this any further. Even if the teacher did make this remark unprovoked by the child, it was obviously the result of the (seriously) bad feeling that has built up between the teacher/school and the OP's husband, who has disastrously "made a bit of a name for himself". The last thing the OP should do is go in and add fuel to the fire - let this go gracefully and work on improving relations with the school. To the OP, this may seem unfair to her son if he, in fact, did not mention his father but she should console herself with the thought that she is doing it for his greater good in the long run. And this is not the OP's fault - if her son is telling the truth, it is a clear case of a son paying for the sins of his father.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 22:10

I'm sure he didn't say anything about his Dad, Better

Thanks for your thoughtful post.

OP posts:
choccywoccywoowah · 28/11/2016 22:11

Just a side question: we don't know if indeed OPs son and friends did make the mess, but let's say they actually did not. Why would speaking up be considered 'answering back?' I won't allow myself to be blamed for something I haven't done, so why would I allow my children. I would always encourage them to speak up if that was the case. I remember being blamed for a couple of (minor when looking back) things when I was a child, and my complete lack of voice at the time has stayed with me. We aren't in the days of children being seen but not heard.
Obviously, it's perfectly plausible that they did make the mess too. Just musing.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 22:12

Apparently one of the offending items was a Fruit Shoot.

So it definitely wasn't my DS! Grin

OP posts:
crikeyomikey · 28/11/2016 22:14

Ok. As said above, the OP made her mind up to go in and berate this teacher a long while ago. I hope it makes her Tuesday. I am no longer invested!

Bitofacow · 28/11/2016 22:15

So the teacher has to do everything absolutely correctly all the time or some member of your family chips in 'explaining' what really happened.
Your son 'innocently explaining' may sound a lot like his dad. Kids often sound like their parents.

Your family, needs to learn to suck it up.

I hate threads where the OP gets a pasting, but really? Your DP complains, your son ' explains' and you are on MN asking for justification. There is a pattern here.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 22:15

No, no one will be berated, crikey

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 22:15

It's the "I don't care" part that sounds off-kilter to me. If the teacher had said, "and if you want to send your dad in to discuss it with me," surely the sentence would have ended, "then thats fine by me?"

"I don't care," sounds like a retort, as if someone had said, "I'm telling my dad about this," and she'd said something along the lines of "fine, I don't care."

Twogoats · 28/11/2016 22:17

Why doesn't your dp homeschool your son if it's so easy to do right? Smile

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 22:19

Because he is too busy being a VID (very important dick) in his job. Of course. :)

Octopus, if DS did say 'I'm telling my dad about this' believe me he is in a lot of trouble, which is why I'm sure he didn't, as he knows he'd be in a lot of trouble. From his dad as well as me.

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 22:25

Anyway, I can see why you separated form this bloke for a while.

annielouise · 28/11/2016 22:28

From my experience I can well believe the teacher said this, having gone through something similar. Definitely unprofessional and a touch nasty. I'd go in and ask politely her version. At least if it's brought up she'll think twice about saying it again. It's not your DS's fault what his dad does. It's wrong of the teacher to use this as a way of controlling or getting back at someone. Unfortunately it happened to me with my eldest so I can see it clearly.