To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

As I read it, trifle, you were the one who was keen to make out someone was dishonest, but let's agree to disagree.

I think you should mention what happened to the teacher; find out what exactly happened and if she does agree that she made that comment, then you should let her know that it's not on at all. Politely, of course, but firmly.

I don't agree with the general mumsnet view (demonstrated beautifully by this thread) that teachers are beleaguered near saints who cannot be questioned, challenged, or pulled up on anything they do. It's nonsense and dangerous nonsense at that.

It really doesn't depend on the attitude much tbh because he was already in the wrong anyway.

He was being told off for two things. One of those things, he was innocent of.

He should be able to respectfully say this, IMO.

No chance of that happening to this particular teacher, bananafish, no chance at all.

slender OP has already told her ds she's going in to school to complain talk to the teacher about what she said.

I can guarantee that if you set foot over the threshold of the school to "politely ask a question," your reputation in the staff room will be right down there with your husband's.

Was the teacher unprofessional (if this happened as your son reports)? Probably. Should you "politely" ask about it? Ffs, NO!
Just leave it.

I'm not a teacher. Couldn't be a teacher as I don't have the patience. However, I respect them enormously. If ever I've had an issue, it's always been a 'how can we tackle it together' type of convo.

You going in over a small comment really is unwarranted. If my DC recounted that tale to me, my first concern would be 'why were you in the classroom, and arguing back when the teacher told you to leave immediately'. It is interesting that your first response was to question whether the teacher is being unfair to your DS due to his fathers many inappropriate ways of dealing with the school. Ask yourself why you responded in this way. Personally, I'd be noting the remark (but not in a significant way), and only raising it if there were any further remarks of that kind. A one off doesn't require a visit to the school.

Also, just a warning, you are making a rod for your own back. Your DS may be meek and mild now, but in a couple of years, he'll be a teen who knows both mum and dad will run to the school in his defence, and it's likely that he could be horrendous and uncontrollable in school. You really aren't doing him any favours by overreacting to this off hand comment.

Telling a teacher who is telling you off is not a selfless attempt to help her by allowing her to find the true culprits.

It's trying to get out of trouble.

Which is fine, he shouldn't have interrupted but if they didn't do it, it's a natural reaction.

But that you are painting "wasn't me" as a positive attempt to help which was rebuffed. Can you see that is a pretty skewed perspective?

If you want to talk to the teacher about it, might be better to do it from the point of view of working with her?

Banana, this non-issue is the problem. If it was actually something important, like the teacher had sworn or roughly handled the child, then that would be something worthy of a complaint.

Whether the teacher said it or not will have no influence on the rest of this child's life or his education or his well being. So what will complaining achieve?

Oh believe me, DH doesn't go running into the school to defend him. He's a lot stricter than me.

I agree with *slenders^ post at 20:58

Slenderisthenight

An assurance that it won't happen again and her son will be dealt with more professionally

There can never be a guarantee that a teacher (or a doctor, or a police officer, or a stranger on the street, or...) won't say something that offends him again. They are people, and they will sometimes say something amiss. If the OP is so desperate for the word sorry then yes, she can complain, but that's all it will be. Not a guarantee of never mentioning the parent again. In fact, I often tell pupils that I am happy to talk to parents if they'd like me to...

I'd be very surprised if the OP tells her son

I wouldn't. I got the impression he had come home complaining precisely because he expected his parents to intervene, as they always have done before. He clearly knows about those times, or the teacher's comments wouldn't have resonated with him.

It's not a game. Her personal opinion doesn't matter. Point is, she knows to keep it out of the classroom.

I agree here. It is not a game, but that doesn't mean a teacher's opinion doesn't matter. I wouldn't want my child's teachers too scared of petty complaints to effectively discipline him.

He didn't come home complaining.

He came home clearly subdued and upset.

You have said several times that your DH is strict and comes down like a tonne of bricks.

Does he speak to you and your son in the same way?

Being subdued and upset over one tiny telling off will not scar him for life. It might even teach him to have a bit of respect.

DH doesn't go running into the school to defend him

No, he goes in to berate, nitpick and generally be dickish. You said so yourself.

As the teachers? He won't tolerate any poor behaviour or back chat.

He has respect, You

Honestly, he really does.

If your DS was upset because the teacher referenced your H going into school to complain, how is you also going into complain going to help your S?

If his classmates clock you having a word with the teacher, won't it make it worse given your DS is already sensitive about it?

I just don't see how you're helping him. Let alone the fact he doesn't seem to need to take responsibility for bad behaviour as his parents will find someone else to blame for every run in he has.

You have misunderstood Thanks

"Boys somewhere they shouldn't have been.
Teacher came in and shouted (fine) and told them off about the mess.

I'd bet even money it was actually, "what are you doing here? Clean up that mess and go where you should be"

DS started to say 'we didn't make the mess, it was already there when we came in,'
Well a) that's not relevant, b) I didn't make the mess either, nor did the cleaner, neither of us is in the wrong place so you should be picking it up c) that's back chat

Teacher starts shouting again and says to DS 'you can bring your dad in, I don't care!'"

This does sound like there was something missing, your son might be telling the truth, but also ask him if any of his friends said anything about his dad.

Don't you care that your DH is arrogant, sneering and dismissive? Do you think your son sees his father sneering at his teachers and that's why he answers back etc? It's a terrible example to set.

If he was respectful, he wouldn't have interrupted in the first place.

I have told him about it AmI but it's just 'him.'