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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was unfair and unprofessional of my sons teacher?

838 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 15:50

My son is nine and in Year 5.

Over the years my husband has made a bit of a name for himself I daresay and has complained about various things. (I've told him not to.)

Today, DS got into a bit of trouble - nothing hugely major, he was, along with others, somewhere he shouldn't have been at lunch time. There was some rubbish in this room that they weren't responsible for. The teacher came in and started shouting at the boys for leaving the mess. DS tried to tell her they weren't responsible and the teacher shouted at him not to interrupt (fine) and "send your dad in if you're not happy, I don't care!"

AIBU or is the latter part of this statement quite unfair? DS was pretty embarrassed and I'm now trying to work this so he doesn't tell his dad!

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/11/2016 19:59

This is ridiculous. I certainly am not deliberately misunderstanding, I just don't get the big deal. I bet the teacher cant even remember saying it if she did

MulberryBush12 · 28/11/2016 20:00

OP you only have 1 version of events to go off! Don't get ahead of yourself.
If you really must go into school, go with bastedturkeys approach rather than slender's; the latter is confrontational IMO.

Trifleorbust · 28/11/2016 20:01

OP, you started off sounding measured (even if slightly unrealistic about the effect of your DH's behaviour?) but increasingly you sound unreasonable. Threatened? Really? Ridiculed? Nothing you have described justifies these words for what the teacher may or may not have done. You don't sound like you want a friendly discussion; you sound like you are angry. If you are not careful you are going to risk coming across like your husband. Soon the teacher is going to refuse to deal with either of you, isn't she?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 20:01

The big deal is that firstly, regardless of the teachers personal opinion of my husband she should NOT be sharing it with our son, and secondly, it is quite a threatening thing to say - certainly a challenging thing to say - without any provocation, if the events were as described of course.

OP posts:
ThatStewie · 28/11/2016 20:01

Whether or not the teacher was unprofessional in this instance is pretty irrelevant in the long run.

Your sneers, dismissive and arrogant husband is aggressive. The use of rhetorical questions inthat manner is aggressive behaviour. It's abusive behaviour and your son is at far greater risk learning that his fathers behaviour is acceptable than a one off comment from a teacher who may not like him. An arrogant, sneering and dismissive man is a bully; not a good father who cares about his children's education.

You can't control your husband's behaviour and you are not responsible for it. You do have to take responsibility for allowing your children to learn that being an aggressive bully is normal behaviour. In your shoes, I would be worrying less about the teacher and more about the kinds of lessons your son is learning from his father.

LyndaLaHughes · 28/11/2016 20:03

If you are going to query it I really would advise going from the point of making it clear you accept he was in the wrong and you have spoken to him. Say you are concerned he may not have given you the full story as he said and quote what he said and you wanted to check was he being cheeky or had he mentioned your DH. That way you don't appear to be accusing the teacher but can get clarity on exactly what happened if you so wish.

Roussette · 28/11/2016 20:04

I hope you're 100% sure your DS is telling it exactly like it is. Or you are going to look very stupid with a lot of egg on your face and potentially much up both you and your DHs relationship with the school

I'm older, my DCs are older and TBH I took what the teachers said as them doing their job and tore my DCs off a strip if they'd been mucking about in school or doing something they shouldn't (very rare). The times I went into the school I could count on the fingers of one hand through 2 DCs (and a DSS) and 3 schools and I think there was only one occasion in all those years I questioned a teacher on something. I feel very sorry for teaching staff now.

Seachangeshell · 28/11/2016 20:05

Why is it a good idea? Most people have advised you to leave it. You know what you want to hear I think. You have always intended to go in and complain haven't you? So why have you asked for advice here then? You're making such a big deal out of it!

mrscarrotironfoundersson · 28/11/2016 20:06

Wow OP.

You will now be known at school as the wife of the dick.

Hth

echt · 28/11/2016 20:06

The big deal is that firstly, regardless of the teachers personal opinion of my husband she should NOT be sharing it with our son

The teacher didn't share a personal opinion of your DH with your son. It was a judgment of his possible action.

Conniedescending · 28/11/2016 20:07

So you're going in (about a minor issue) to say you know your husband complains a lot (about minor issues) but could they please not take this out on your son. Can u hear how ludicrous that is? Yes, she probably shouldn't have said it but if he's on her back all the time (for minor issues) then she's probably had her fill of it.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 20:07

Rousette

Why would a parent politely asking a question have 'egg on their face'?

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 28/11/2016 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 20:08

Carrot

I probably already am! It is not my fault I am married to one; it certainly isn't DSs fault he was sired by a dick.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/11/2016 20:09

It's more like... "I know my DH comes in a lot complaining... well, I'm complaining now"

I have no idea how it is threatening. I think the word "threatening" is totally overused on MN at the moment

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 28/11/2016 20:10

No, Rousette, it's more to find out if she did challenge my son to "bring his dad in" and to politely request that this isn't done in future.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/11/2016 20:11

burgundy

You will have egg on your face because the changes are the teacher either didnt say it or it wasn't quite like your DS related it to you. You will look stupid, nitpicking and challenging. That's to go with your DH who you say is a dick with the teachers. Not good.

Your problem is with your husband not with the school

ThanksSpanx · 28/11/2016 20:12

I think your DS may be getting exactly what he wanted out of this situation. He's misbehaved at school but his parents are ready to head in to 'have a word' with the teacher.

Your DS will struggle to learn to take responsibility for his behaviour if you overlook his shortcomings to lay blame elsewhere.

Doowappydoo · 28/11/2016 20:13

I wouldn't go in if I were you, not least because it sends entirely the wrong message to your son; being somewhere he shouldn't and then interrupting/arguing is pretty naughty. I would not focus on what was said by the teacher.

I can't help but think that you are becoming increasingly wound up as this thread has gone on, I wonder if your worries about your DHs past behaviour are making you read more into this than there is.

If you do decide to go in I would be very prepared to hear a different version of events from the teacher voice of bitter experience here Blush your son's account doesn't quite scan right to me.

Phalenopsisgirl · 28/11/2016 20:15

For one second imagine that however 'upset' your son is, he probably is not as white as he is painting himself to be. You really need to stop accepting the way he is towards you at home to be his only personality, once he is with his friends he will change completely to fit in/look cool etc. His version of events will be told with as many alterations to the story to keep himself looking as good as possible and the teacher to appear in the wrong as necessary. I refer again to educating Essex, anyone remember the girl who accused mr drew of assault?op you are getting cross and upset about a situation that likely didn't happen the way you have been told

Waltermittythesequel · 28/11/2016 20:15

I've just read this.

I think OP is on a wind up.

Challenged and threatened ffs. Nobody us that ridiculous.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/11/2016 20:15

*is

AllotmentyPlenty · 28/11/2016 20:16

When my children have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and got in trouble, I have told them that they should not have been there and the trouble is deserved. Schools need to have rules. There are often hundreds of children and many, many staff and it is important that children don't wander around wherever they choose.

A room could be set up for a test, be being used to dry nativity backdrops, have papers all ready for a meeting, etc.

You seem to think being in a room they were not allowed in is trivial. I do not think it is.

You seem to think talking back "It is not my mess" is OK. It is not.

You also seem to believe everything your son says. As a mother of two, I often find gentle probing of the "would your teacher's story match this?" variety can unearth some uncomfortable truths.

Teachers are human and while they should of course answer reasonable questions from parents, they do not deserve grillings. You say your husband has built up a reputation "over the years" - so there is a legacy of teachers feel undermined by members of your family unit.

It may not be your fault or your son's fault that this history is there. But it is. I personally would not choose to add to it.

AddToBasket · 28/11/2016 20:16

OP, seriously. At least take a couple of days to think about this. Don't go in immediately.

There is nothing here that won't keep for a week and you might find it more useful to your child to stay out of school than to go in.

I'm interested in your DH assume he is a lawyer - He sounds like a lot of future therapy from your description. Does he have any insight into this behaviour on your DS? Do you have other children that he behaves like this with?

brownpurse · 28/11/2016 20:19

You say up thread that your husband finds out about events at school from your son. From the teachers remark it sounds very possible that your son very much enjoys reporting to his dad and watching him go into school to speak to the teachers. You need to think about this. If your son is encouraged and supported by you in every trivial problem he has at school ,nobody will take any notice when he does have a problem.