...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

[stumblymonkey]

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

So what about the ideas to scale it back to about £20k or similar, and not lose the significant amount you've paid for deposits stumbly? Then put money "saved" towards house deposit?

I guess it does make a difference that it's you that's paid the deposits so of course you could ask PIL's whether they'd make a similar contribution towards a house deposit. But losing that much (a £5k deposit) would be very painful to me.

Queen I was thinking that too!

Stumbly you're so gross for having flowers at your wedding dude, how do you sleep at night

I wouldn't be spending £30k on a wedding if I didn't own a house, I also wouldn't be spending £1.5k a month on eating out/groceries/entertainment when cutting back for a year or two could result in a nice deposit.

One of my family members has a similar illness to you, Op. It took her several years to be diagnosed and she also ran up debts at certain times so I do completely understand your situation.

You have done amazingly well to be running a successful business and have a happy relationship after all the bad times you must have gone through. I wish you lots of luck for the future, whatever type of wedding you choose to have!

If you're saving 25% for tax then you're not talking net? You're talking gross

£90 a month on water! Do you have a swimming pool.

?

If you are wondering about spending all that money on your wedding now how do you think you may feel about it 6 months after the wedding?

Yes, you probably will have had a lovely day to remember but marriage and your future together is about much more than the wedding. You can all have a great day without spending that amount and your future finances could perhaps be more secure.

Be sensitive in how it's approached. Historically the bride's father paid for the wedding (no one else). That has gradually changed but not entirely. I with the groom and bride was expecting to pay for my child's wedding but then the other parents paid as much too and then my daughter's other parent so six full time working adults were paying which can make what looks like an expensive wedding cheaper BUT they had already bought somewhere and both parents have helped more, much more, torward property than the wedding itself.

Always always buy before you breed as nowadays mortgage lenders take account of childcare costs if you have a baby when making mortgage offers.

Why not just do things half and half - ask the parents to pay half what they were going to pay towards the wedding and the other half towards property for example. Do remember that some parents may be thinking ahead to your divorce too and may not want to make a gift which could go to your spouse later on divorce whereas that will not happen to spent wedding money.

Will your in laws and parents still give you that money as a lump sum though? My parents refused to do it - said it was wedding money or nothing which is fair enough considering it was their cash.

When I first started reading this my first reaction was: Buy a house!!

However after reading further about your finances I feel you should stick to the wedding... I think that the time has passed to go back on your decision to have a big wedding. that being said, I think that once the wedding is over and done with you should start a house fund. £30k in deposits would be brilliant. And mortgages are generally a lot cheaper than rents. It would also give you some stability for if your mental health stumbles again in the future x

OP , I'd have the wedding if I were you. You can't take the money with you. Also , your MIL is excited and ,whilst she may agree to use for deposit, she will be very disappointed. I think you can afford the wedding because you are only usin £10k (basically one months salary) - the other gifted money is a sunk cost as it was never yours to start with. So , go ahead and spend one months salary on your dream wedding (you deserve it for getting where you are now) and go ahead with your financial plans. They sound wise to me - get the wedding , pay off debts in a matter of months AND get your house deposit. Win - win. I think that's why you are getting such mean comments - some people are jealous that you are in such a position where you can have it all.

Goodluck with your wedding, marriage, business and MH !

hi OP

At first I thought YANBU to cancel the big day in 1 years time and spend the money on buying a house.

But then I read what your monthly income is- 8k net!- and now I think you should have the big wedding and then take a year or two to buy a home!

Could you get a different florist quote? I am having a bridal bouquet, 6 bridesmaids bouquets, 13 buttonholes, separate church decorations and pew ends, centrepieces for 14 tables and my quote is less than half of yours! I know it's down south but your florist is ripping you off! £100 per head just for day food is a lot as well, as is £350 for hair and make up if it's just you. You can get an amazing dress for well under £2k so set a limit of £1000 or £1500 or something and don't try on anything over that amount.

I am spending over £30k on our wedding. I do own a house, but it's still extravagant. I feel like I waited my whole life to meet someone who made me happy (I'm mid 30s and met STBDH just over 2 years ago) and we want a big wedding with all of our friends and family. I would regret not spending money we can afford on the wedding we want - but we do want this big wedding. OP if your DP wants a big wedding, his parents are offering to pay £10k towards it, and youre not anti the idea, then do it.

I think it's rude to ask to spend money given to you for a specified reason on a different thing. Take the £10k and have a £20k wedding and use your parents money towards a deposit.

Well done on getting your debt sorted by the way

I think 30k for a wedding is astronomical and no it has nothing to do with where you are because you could have chosen somewhere else to get married.
The amount of money you are willing to throw away (£5k) is actually an amount that could have paid for a very nice private wedding.
I got married in Lake District for that amount, including dresses, rings, suits, venue, etc.

You are being very frivolous with money by chucking your deposit away. Spending £30,000 should have been thought about before deciding that actually you want to spend that on a house.
How must your parents feel that you now want them to pay for a deposit on a house? They're giving you the money for your wedding, so whatever money you save between now and then will go towards a house anyway.

DO NOT waste £5k!!

Oh crikey, is just like to say well done to anyone who bothered to carry on reading past the first few posts.

First world problems much?

Yes the amount of money you plan to spend on one day is ridiculous. But you also earn a ridiculous amount and despite your bizarre attitude - yes you are rich, so have the day you want then save to buy a house? Crikey.

OP, everyone deserves the wedding they want for themselves. There's nothing wrong with your plans.

However your questions were: AIBU to persuade DP to have a smaller wedding when I know he would rather 'go big' and AIbU to ask DPIL to give us the money for a house deposit instead.

To the first, no, of course not. It makes financial sense to do things the way you are considering. But it might be a tricky discussion given how far down the line you are in terms of wedding planning and deposits. And he might feel a bit dis-empowered considering he isn't contributing financially to either project.

I think it could be handled sensitively with his DP, but be prepared for them to say no. Your financial history and the sudden change in financial planning may alarm them.

For me, what is standing out is that you have a difficult relationship with money, are new to be earning a huge monthly income, your DP isn't working at the moment, yet you are considering changing your next 5-10 year life plan on MN before speaking with DP.

You've done bloody well to achieve financial stability after your past troubles. Don't rush into any rash decisions now, make sure they are joint decisions with your DP.

Have the wedding of your dreams op, you make enough money to save for that house later.

These threads are bizarre. Crazy amount of money some people have!

I'm confused as to how you can start your own business 5 months ago, make exactly the same amount of money per month from the off; and feel totally confident that this precise amount of income will roll in per month from now on. How does that work, exactly?
Will the bank manager feel as confident in your projected figures as you do, I wonder?

I'm getting married next year and we are spending around £15k. Our parents are also being very generous and putting in around £5k each. We already own a flat, I would be happy with a more modest ceremony but my fiance really wants a big party, and as we can afford it I'm happy to oblige!

Not sure what much you get to with an extra £15k - more guests? We are having around 90. More food/canapes/drinks? Are you big on the flowers? Is the venue amazing?

Just thinking you can have an incredible wedding for £15-£20k and perhaps use the rest of th emoney as a deposit, if your parents are amenable?

Not read the thread but at you earning 8k a month. WTF do you do?

30k on a wedding, when 2 thirds of the budget is paid for by other people, is ridiculous. IMO the actual wedding is a technicality, it's the marriage that matters. I'd much rather put £30k into our marriage by getting a mortgage and securing a home that will one day be ours, than 30k on one flash party that most people will get too drunk to remember and then have nothing to physically show for the money. Future security would be much more important to me than showing off for one day. Affordable houses look set to become more and more scarce, if i were in a position i could secure one now, i'd jump at the chance.

I just asked DP his views and he is very set on the wedding we've planned.

So why are you asking a bunch of strangers online when dp has said what he wants and you're 'not bothered'