...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

[stumblymonkey]

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

As an aside OP, I'd really like to know what you do that earns you 8k a month?!!

Think I need a career overhaul

You earn all that! But haven't bought a house or saved a deposit ?
And parents are paying 20k? I'd be embarrassed tbh!
THIRTY K for one day? Bonkers no matter where you live! Honestly .

Of course your DP wants the large wedding, he's not paying for any of it.

It's an obscene amount of money for one day, especially when he has no income and you have debts and a business that could go pear shaped of you fall ill again.

i would cancel and downsize the big day.
And this is coming from a girl who had a £35k wedding. I loved the day, we had an amazing time but if I knew then what I know now, I definately wouldnt have done it.
I actually feel ashamed when i think about it. That money could have paid for so many things - 2 or 3 periods of maternity leave for example!!! I went back to work when DD was 4.5 months old... just over a year after the £35k wedding - wtf was i thinking???!!!
you want a marraige, not just a wedding - a little intimate celebration with the people who really matter will be just as beautiful.
Whatever you chose to do, make sure you enjoy it. Good luck x

In contrast to most of the posters, I don't think £30k on a wedding is bad at all. I got married at 28 a couple of years ago just outside London at my parents' house. It cost a similar amount. My mum made the cake and did the flowers etc... It was low key compared to some of my friends' weddings. My parents paid for the majority of the day and my husband and I paid the rest. Again, most of my friends' parents contributed significantly to their weddings so I don't think this is unusual. My bf and I didn't own a home at the time and part of me thought a deposit would be more sensible. But that wasn't what the money was offered for. My parents wanted to give me an amazing wedding and a deposit wasn't on the cards. If your parents want to do this for you and you think you'd enjoy the day and it won't impoverish them, accept it graciously. Just don't forget to mention them in the speeches!

Wow that 30k could be put to so much better use such as a house instead of frittered away on one day. Surely a smaller wedding should suffice if you both love each other and want to get married to be married rather than for a huge wedding.

Cancel wedding. A house deposit will be much more useful and will create many more memories than one day party.

Cancel!!!!! Big waste of money. After having two kids and paying 10k on a wedding I regret it! Was a wonderful day but I wish I had that money now for school and other expenses.

My wedding cost less than £500 for everything I had 3 guests, it was the best wedding I've ever been to

I think you need to go through with the wedding. You will lose £10k if you don't. I don't understand why you would sacrifice the purchase of a property for the sake of a lavish wedding but you must have had a reason or you wouldn't have done it, and each to their own.

But...crikey.

£1.5k rent- £250 council tax

That doesn't add up. £20k council tax suggests house worth at least a million. £1.5k rent doesn't suggest that.

Haven't read every reply but for me what you earn is irrelevant to your question. In response to that if your parents are happy to contribute to a deposit rather than a wedding then yes I think this is the more sensible option if you are unlikely to be able to raise a deposit yourself anytime soon. £1.5k a month is a lot to pay in rent with no gain!

IMHO a 'normal' wedding is essentially a party, it will have no bearing on the success of your marriage, yes it's a celebration of your commitment but you can celebrate without spending £30k!

Siani...Thanks for your feedback. It's actually incredibly rude and says more about you than me I'm afraid.

She wasn't at all rude. You are on AIBU and she was expressing her opinion.

I agree- sounds like fur coat and no knickers to me.

Do you want children? How will you manage as self employed when you have to take time off (I am a self employed professional). I would be saving as much as possible to allow for other possible life events such as this.

Bigredfireengine - my council tax used to be £240 a month 2 years ago and the house later sold for £350k!

8k a month and not rich???????

We survive on

Bigredfireengine - my council tax used to be £240 a month 2 years ago and the house later sold for £350k!

You must have live din an area where egos prices have not been buoyant! because it is based on old house evaluation that make sit somewhere between a band g and h assuming paid over 12 months and an f- g if paid over 10 months . Taking the lowest that means its was worth £120,000 plus in 1991. With house price inflation than to only rent at £1.5k now doesn't seem right.

I am calling hoax.

you actually dont need flowers for table centre pieces - there are lots of other options out there - we had over sized martini glasses with tea lights floating in them with a few tea lights scattered on table. it looked great and cost approx £15 per table

and if you are getting married in December you should have been able to get a bargain! it is the wedding low season and loads of places have special winter packages where there is no venue hire.....and £100 a head!! wow that really is a lot. I would expect £100 a head if there wasn't a venue hire charge. didnt you try to negotiate?

House deposit every time! I got married in April 2016 & as wonderful as the day was (memories, love of my life etc) I still think about the 10k we spent & how else this could have been utilised.

YABU - wedding first, then house, then baby

Can you scale back parts of the wedding as a compromise?

I had a large white wedding with most of the trimmings. It came in at half the average of the time, although this is a cheaper region than London. I crafted a lot of things including jewellery. The cake was made with plain icing on the market, which I then decorated. The florist was also on the market and as the church and hotel were attractive venues, they didn't need much dressing up. My dress was under budget, but just right for me. It was a joyous day to start our marriage, with no regrets. We picked up rumours that we must have spent considerably more!

Are there parts of what you have planned that matter more than others? What is worth economising on?

Have a massive wedding, enjoy your day and save like mad for the house. Stop justifying your earnings and life choices to mumsnet, I would imagine most of them are as jealous as I am!

You're in a very fortunate position now so make the most of it. Best of luck

Sounds like your DP is very happy to spend other peoples money on what he wants......could be getting yourself a bona fide cocklodger.

I wouldn't (and didn't) spend even close to £30k for a wedding, but we only earned £30k pa between us!

I wouldn't change your plans too much. People are harping on about your 'debts' - clearly they've not read your full updates as by my calcs at £600 pcm over 6 months you could probably pay it off in one month, but as you have already explained it doesn't offer you any financial incentive to do that.

I think it would be rude to ask if you can have the money for a deposit as they have obviously earmarked it for a wedding.

my parents paid for dsis wedding it wa 40k a lovely day even though theyre divorced she still says it was lovely

i dont know if they wold have cancelled it to give her a house instead though