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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

283 replies

stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 12:03

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

OP posts:
kateandme · 30/11/2016 16:19

I don't think anything of you spending like you have.if you have the money then wo!you lucky thing so maybe why wouldn't you have. so don't take what I'm to say next as anything but me perhaps never knowing that much money. I think holy cow please don't spend that much.i know there is people saying "oooh you can spend hundred punds an have a good day" I'm NOT saying that.but the amount you have.shit. I don't think you ned to spend anywhere near to get a wedding of high standards and beyond.sorry but I think that amount is barmy.
it is one day.best most special perhaps but no,absolutely no need.but the fact that you have spent that and family willing to put up that much leads me to think this amount is nothing to your( I say that as your lucky not to be a bitch.) we all have different wealth after all.
but still no silly money.and I think youd be wise to get the house. you could still spend a huge amount and not be anywhere near that number! so id say in the long run it is the house that youl be most proud and happy with if the money is spent there.and that there will still be no need to scrimp.

stopproposingbrad · 30/11/2016 16:23

Use the money for a house. You will have s wonderful wedding day whatever you do but you won't regret using the money towards a house.

Totallybonkersmum · 02/12/2016 06:45

Stumblymonkey, we've had the same scenario. We met very late July, decided we were going to get married in the August/September. Brought ring in October and got engaged on Christmas Day, as we knew one way and another we would be seeing quite lot of both sets of relatives and we knew it would bring a great deal of joy. Both sides have had more than their fair share of funerals, including my sister's😔.

When you think about life, 27 years down the line, we thought that it's blindingly obvious that there are every roughly twice the number of funerals as there are weddings. We decided we'd definitely have a small wedding, but in a church, as we felt our vows were serious. Especially when I overheard my boss say to another colleague that he was placing bets on how long our marriage would last! B@@@@@@!!! He was the one, incidentally who got divorced a year later, and ran off with the accounting manager! I really felt, and still do, sorry for his poor wife and two very small (not so small now) children, as he was always dissing his poor wife, behind her back, at work. If there's one thing I hate in a person, it's that...

Our main reason though, was at that point in time I had four grandparents. DH had one. The last time my grandparents had been all together was at my sister's funeral.
We saved up like hell that following year. Everything was worked out to the penny. So, we just about afforded to move closer to our current jobs. It was very important, long term, to stay in our jobs. We had six weeks to paint the entire outside of our house, because we knew that when we came back it would be too cold. So we worked hard, on the outside and parts of the inside. Little did we realise that the couple and children had bought a kitten, in the interim of making our offer and moving in, said kitten shitted absolutely everywhere. Oh, and the 'lovely🙄 couple' had decided to move themselves. They finally finished moving themselves at four. Little did we realise that the couple had left quite a few exposed wiring and many other dangers. The furniture removal people had an hour to unload us, before they clocked off. That day was totally chaos, was an understatement and not something I'd recommend to anyone.

Little did I realise just how proud all my grandparents were, that we'd already just got our house. They look even prouder in our wedding photos, but the video particularly. I actually cry when I see it and see faces of past, now gone, some, more than others. None of them expected to live that long. My grandfather particularly commented that it was the best day of his life to see his granddaughter get married. You can actually see just how incredibly proud he was... Even my children cry when they see it, unknown but such proud faces in their ways, and to see other faces familiar to them, when they were growing up, but now, no longer here. We've had an awful lot of funerals since. Way too many.

So yes, if there's somehow, someway, of going ahead with this wedding and you're both that determined, I'd predict that as an excellent omen. Talk to both sets of parents, maybe take out some extra when you move, like we did. We saved so hard too. If there's a mean's, my nan used to say, there's a way... I'm so glad we went ahead, brought the house (taking out a small extra) and got married.

Yes, I know it sounds old fashioned to say, that walking, slowly, down that aisle, with my father, it brings back so many poignant memories of various faces. I'm so glad I didn't rush down that aisle at all (bride's prerogative?!), because I fully intended this moment of walking down the aisle to be the first and last! Yes, I was keen and very relieved to see my husband to be, waiting for me.

If anyone asked us whether we'd do it again, literally on a shoestring and some toothpaste (don't ask!), we would.

Definitely.

In a heartbeat😉.

Mindtrope · 02/12/2016 07:00

we will/would have a perfect start.

Blowing 30K in a day on the start of a marriage is no guarantee of success.

Other things are more important. Like having secure housing, making sure you are compatible on the domestic and sexual front, getting to know someone well enough to know how they behave when the chips are down etc.

Personally I think it's crazy to prioritise a day of frills over a home, but that's just me.

Totallybonkersmum · 02/12/2016 07:01

Ironically, it was only four months after our wedding, that my grandfather, the one who actually commented just how proud he was to be there and that he never thought he'd live to see the day of seeing a granddaughter getting married, passed away, suddenly.

I just wish he'd hung on a bit longer to see his great granddaughter and then maybe his great grandson. He would have been so bemused to see the curls had been passed down genetically!

Fairybust · 02/12/2016 20:38

Op.if you are taking home £8k a month then I don't understand how you haven't already saved for a deposit.

Nevertheless you can ask you inlaws and they say no then just have a £10k wedding not a £30k wedding. Ours cost £8k all in which we paid for.ourselves. I absolutely loved my day and have amazing memories. However my flower bill was £250 not thousands. We only had family to.sit down meal.and then.evening reception of about 70 people with a free bar.

Unless you are financially secure which you clearly aren't it is nuts to spend that kind of money on one day.

Sleepybeanbump · 02/12/2016 20:44

Haven't RTFT but am very confused.

If OP is earning 8k a month then why are family helping with wedding costs? And why is she not already in posession of either a house or a deposit for one?

Either way, I'd say cancel the wedding and use the money on a house. No brainer.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/12/2016 00:17

sleepybeanbump.

Read the thread, or at least the OP's posts. Why do you expect others to type it out again for you?

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