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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

283 replies

stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 12:03

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

OP posts:
liletsthepink · 28/11/2016 14:36

Op, your priorities sound very strange to me.

1 Your DP isn't earning at the moment,
2 You have only recently started earning a high income in a new business
3 You have a large debt to pay off

I think you would be reckless to spend so much money on a wedding until your financial position is much more secure. I know your DP is set on having a big wedding but he isn't exactly paying loads of money towards it if he isn't working is he? How is he contributing towards your rent and bills without an income? Are you paying for everything or is he getting parental help?

Original poster
stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 14:38

...and no, my rent is not subsidised.

The purchase price of our rented house is c. £550k, the rent is £1.5k.

It was indeed a bargain from a rental perspective (3 bed detached) as it's outside the usual commuter belt as while it has a station it's not a mainline station.

Its a good two hour commute door-to-door to my work in London which is why it's cheaper than some areas of Surrey...

OP posts:
Hellochicken · 28/11/2016 14:41

What about sticking to spending (as a complete maximum - so will need to include contingency) the £20k gifted. Then keep your £10 to add to the deposit?
20K would still be a very fancy wedding.

previously1474907171 · 28/11/2016 14:41

It might be a lovely day that you will remember for the rest of your lives but you could still have a lovely day and a house deposit.

My wedding day is a very happy memory, it was as inexpensive as we could make it. It wasn't about spending a lot of money for all the fancy things, it was about commitment and love.

It seems to me that people think they have to have a big expensive day to prove that they are happy. It can be more about the day than their future.

WouldHave · 28/11/2016 14:41

I really don't think you would necessarily regret a small wedding. One of the nicest ones I've been to was one where the couple and their family had hired three holiday cottages on a farm hear the coast. They had a quick registry office do with immediate family to deal with the legalities, then had the main ceremony in the land behind the cottages with the sea as a backdrop. One of the cottages had a large covered area outside that would have been used if the weather had been bad, and that area was also used for a couple of large barbecues and to lay out a selection of food and drink. They asked people to bring booze for the wedding in lieu of presents, and the reception basically took place in the large garden area around the cottages. The family stayed in the cottages overnight and they were obviously used for toilet facilities and anyone who just wanted to be indoors. The whole thing cost them £5K at most including dresses etc, and was just a really lovely and memorable wedding.

It's all very well for your DP to insist on a large wedding, but I'm not convinced he's really thinking it through. Is he just pushing for it because his parents expect it?

sianihedgehog · 28/11/2016 14:42

Honestly, I think it's a bit grim and embarrassing to spend 30k on a wedding. Sort of gross, like driving a gold plated lamborghini. I totally get how easy it is to get swept up in it, but I'd think a lot more of a couple who had a budget wedding.

However, taking into account that PILs may feel it's their "turn" to host the big family event, could you not just cut it back and spend half as much and still provide a big party, just a lot less flash? I mean, lots of people manage a buffet and a disco for only a couple of grand...

Lapinlapin · 28/11/2016 14:42

I think as suggested by another poster it would be best to scale down your wedding. Is that possible? If the venue costs are sky high, then it might not be, but otherwise stick with what you've already planned so you don't lose your deposit, and be frugal with everything else. It's so easy to get sucked into thinking you need loads of flowers, favours, table decorations, expensive dresses etc when in fact if you shop carefully and are prepared to diy some things, you can save lots. Maybe aim to spend £15 -£20 on the wedding and then save the £10-15K towards your house.

Hellochicken · 28/11/2016 14:43

I don't think you can spend money gifted for a wedding on a deposit. Unless (like your parents) the giver says they would be happy for you to spend it on a deposit.

I'd be surprised if your DP (and you) cant get the wedding of his dreams on 20k.

Original poster
stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 14:43

Lilets..

I'm not disagreeing with what you say in principle but the debt is practically paid off now. It will be completely paid off in a few months and I get no incentive for early repayment so it's not worth it.

DP isn't working but will be in the next couple of weeks....even when he is working he earns about £800 net compared to my £8k so it doesn't change the financial picture massively.

DP (obviously) isn't contributing while he's not working. My income covers everything, I would think it was very cheeky to expect his parents to pay towards our daily expenses!

OP posts:
Original poster
stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 14:45

Siani...

Thanks for your feedback. It's actually incredibly rude and says more about you than me I'm afraid. Hmm

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 28/11/2016 14:49

This is exactly what I meant in my earlier post. Spending 3k on flowers nobody will notice when you have debt and no house is not a solid start to a marriage. That 3k would pay my council tax for 18 months. That's more important. Have flowers by all means but maybe not at Elton John level!

FizzBombBathTime · 28/11/2016 14:50

Honestly, I think it's a bit grim and embarrassing to spend 30k on a wedding. Sort of gross, like driving a gold plated lamborghini. I totally get how easy it is to get swept up in it, but I'd think a lot more of a couple who had a budget wedding.

So people shouldn't spend the money if they have it because it embarrasses you? Ok then Hmm

GeminisTwin · 28/11/2016 14:50

Some folks need to wind their neck in. The OP never asked for your opinion on lavish weddings, she just asked if it was unreasonable to ask for money being gifted to be used for a different purpose. Jeez!

FizzBombBathTime · 28/11/2016 14:52

Well said Gemini

YouHadMeAtCake · 28/11/2016 14:52

I don't think Siani was rude at all, just honest and saying what a lot of people think. You asked a question, you're not going to get everyone to agree with you or say what you want to hear. I honestly think, as you are renting, you would be daft to spend all that money on the wedding. 3K on flowers is actually ridiculous inmho. I think for you, albeit without knowing you , that this is ALL about image and appearance. Like Molly said , keeping up with the Jones, only you cannot afford do that.

shovetheholly · 28/11/2016 14:53

You've done really well to get your bipolar under control, pay back your debt and save some money!

Also, I would point out that this isn't really a £30k wedding in terms of your own bank account. Your parents are paying £20k towards it, so it's only costing you £10k. (I say 'only' - my wedding was a few hundred quid! But you know what I mean). Would they be happy to pay that towards a house deposit? It's a very different question, and I guess it would depend a lot on the family. Some parents would be happy to fork out for a limo and canapes, others would greatly prefer their children to have bricks and mortar.

I think the question here is: what do YOU want? If you don't want a huge day, you don't have to have one. Here's the thing - there is no way of 'experiencing everything' when it comes to your wedding, because saying yes to one thing means saying no to a whole range of other options. If you get married in a church in a big white dress, you will not be getting married in a registry office in a Ted Baker office dress. If you have classic catering, you'll not be having an Indian buffet. You have to make decisions here, and it's really about what you want, what your priorities are and how you want to live. £30k is a lot of money. Choose wisely!

Original poster
stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 14:55

They're not Elton John level Blush

A bouquet for me
Small bouquet and flower crown for flower girl
Buttonholes
Centrepiece for each of the eight tables (being re-used in the ceremony so no extra cost)
A flower arrangement for the top table (also re-used on registrars table)
A few flowers to decorate the naked wedding cake

This is pretty normal I think. The extra bits which could be cut are:

^- Some evergreen stuff across the top of the fireplace and candles in the fireplace

  • Some evergreen stuff down the handrails of the steps and on the chandelier thing in the main room
  • An arrangement for the cake table
  • Some 'styling' on a table at the back of the venue which otherwise looks a bit bare and odd (IMO)
  • Some flowers over one side of the table plan
^ ^^These I agree could be cut out

Three Christmas trees @ £50 each but we're taking these away to use as our actual Xmas trees for us and PIL which would be £50 anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 14:57

I'm not saying other people shouldn't have opinions but don't you think there are nicer ways of putting it than saying my plans for my wedding are "embarrassing and grim" and "gross" Hmm

I think that's an unnecessarily rude way of putting your opinion across.

OP posts:
FizzBombBathTime · 28/11/2016 14:59

YouHadMe the op didn't ask 'is my wedding too lavish and embarrassing?' So actually I think she was a bit rude to the op. If siani is so embarrassed by talk of money she should take herself off a thread that was clearly about money as per the title.

Original poster
stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 14:59

...and I asked some specific questions.

I didn't ask for opinions on 'what do you think of me based on the fact I'm spending X amount on a wedding' thank you.

OP posts:
YouHadMeAtCake · 28/11/2016 15:04

But Monkey it is MN and you will get them regardless Grin. Cut back on the wedding, buy a nice house for an even better start to married life!

liletsthepink · 28/11/2016 15:05

I know this sounds negative but your DP is a low earner and your income isn't secure. I have met many people who assume that if their new business fails they will be able to find a high paying job instead. Your sector might be buoyant at the moment but it may not be in another year or two and this is all without considering any change in your health condition.

One thing to consider is that while you may be able to get a mortgage offer at the moment, you probably won't get the best ones (fixed rate, lower interest rate etc) if you have recent debts and/or a smaller deposit in your situation. If I were you I would scale back the wedding plans slightly in favour of buying a home.

LIZS · 28/11/2016 15:05

Another thing to consider are the IHT rules re. gifts. There are different annual tax free limits for gifts for weddings than for other purposes which could become important were one of the donors to die within 7 years.

Original poster
stumblymonkey · 28/11/2016 15:07

Some good points...will mull it over...while I plan my next embarrassing, grim and gross life plans Grin

OP posts:
QueenMortificado · 28/11/2016 15:10

need to wind their neck in. The OP never asked for your opinion on lavish weddings, she just asked if it was unreasonable to ask for money being gifted to be used for a different purpose. Jeez!

Completely agree. Some of these responses are downright nasty and say more about the posters than the OP.

Jealous, per chance?

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