...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

[stumblymonkey]

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

Crisp...that I'm the Daily Fail?

If so....that's amused me as I'm known well for hating them!

I absolutely take people's points that it's not ours to spend as we wish.

Dinosaur...I think you set out a good approach.

£30k isn't a 'quite normal' amount to spend on a wedding where you are.

I have been to the wedding of a few 'very professional' family members down there recently and their wedding cost no where near that amount.

Your wedding isn't even on a Saturday or Sunday.

You can have a wonderful and memorable wedding day for much, much less.

I think, with weddings, you need to decide if you are having a wedding (i.e. a big party) or starting a marriage. If the latter is your priority, that is, starting a lifelong partnership, wouldn't you want to do that on the most secure foundation possible. A good deposit is a major contribution to that.

It sounds like your financial situation is not that great right now, so I think it's time to sit down with the family and readjust your priorities. You never know, if you cancel this early, you may actually get more deposit back than you thought as there's a high likelihood of the vendors being booked by someone else.

I had two weddings. A big one first time and a run to the registry office second. I quite enjoyed planning the big one but before the day was done I was hugely uncomfortable in the dress, was hugely aware of all the money and effort that had gone into something that was already over and realised that because of the high stress I could barely remember any of it. The marriage also started on shoestring funds, with a large mortgage, which would all have been improved by investing the wedding fund into an actual marriage rather than the party that started it off.

I love how MN like to make the world believe place like London and the Home Counties are full of rich successful people with expensive Houses and expensive weddings as if there is a "south east way" doing things.

London and the south east house some of the poorest people in the country. There isn't a London or Home Counties or south east way of doing things ridiculous.

And I know DM is a crap paper but I'm Struggling to see how even they can make a story out of this...

"(which are frankly irrelevant to your actual AIBU question). e.g.WTAF are people starting to ask about your husband's income! hmm... "

No, actually - the question is best discussed, if the OP does want actual advice, in the context of how else they would pay for a house deposit, how vulnerable they are to saving for a house etc, and therefore whether the £30k can be afforded. OK, it can be afforded because the parents are paying, but if that leaves everyone brassic and no house, well it isn't a sensible 'affordable cost, is it?

It was an attempt at being helpful, not nosiness. And about security and prospects for saving by the DP, not actual amounts.

But hey "aw, hun, have the big wedding, it's the most important day of your life". Is that better?

The average wedding cost is £27k now apparently so we're not spending that much more than average...

• £5.5k venue hire
• 80 guests with food and wine at £100 a head roughly = £8k
• 120 evening guests with food (pizza) £15 a head, catering for 90 = £1,350
• Photographer £1.2k
• Dress not bought so £800-2k
• Make up and hair £350
• Flower girl dress and shoes not bought but £100? (No idea)
• Groom and BM plus Fathers suit hire £500 (no idea TBH)
• Rings £1.5k
• Flowers and venue styling £3k
• DJ and lighting £600
• MC £400
• My shoes £500 (I would never spend this but MIL wants to give me this for shoes, she loves shoes!)

I can't remember the rest off the top of my head but includes invitations, materials for favours (which I am mainly making myself), venue decorations.

We have made some cuts...no bridesmaids, no gifts to each other on the day (which is apparently a thing now), no separate videographer as we chose a photographer who would record the vows and speeches and play with music over the photos so overall reduction, no car as I get ready on site, DJ instead of a band, cheapest evening food option, no additional wine bought over the 'package', etc. The first quote for flowers was £7k so that's been more than halved (I realise still a lot but the venue is very neutral).

Obviously I may fall in love with a dress at the lower end of my budget which would cut some money back.

Blu - agreed, when put that way then it does make sense to find out whether DH's income can help to finance some of the house deposit.

I was maybe misreading some PP's questions about the DH's income as precursors to insinuating that he should have less/no say in the 'wedding vs deposit' debate by virtue of him earning less/nothing compared to the OP's income.

yep, weddings are expensive businesses.

If your PIL said "OK" and just keep the money if you say you want a small wedding, do you think you'd be upset to have the small wedding and still have to save for your own deposit?

The more you put, the more it looks like your PIL want you to have the big wedding and so are prepared to pay for it. It doesn't follow that the money would be forthcoming for a deposit instead.

Be careful you don't go down that route and feel agrieved you don't get the dream day or the dream house.

I'm sorry, I can't get my head around your PIL giving 10k for a wedding, when their son is between jobs, and you're renting a house with no deposit?

TBH since DP is strongly in favour of a big wedding and I am only dithering rather than dead against it, plus the fact (as PP have pointed out) it's a 'family do' and not my money to decide where it's going....I think I'll just concentrate on minimising any additional spend so we don't have to spend the full £5k out that we haven't paid out yet.

FWIW...I don't agree that DP gets less of a say as he isn't contributing financially as we're a partnership and we make decisions together irrespective of financial contribution.

Blimey. £30k? My wedding was £5k in total and £1k of that was on my dress.

It's totally up to you but honestly if it were me I'd never spend that much on a wedding. In fact, I regret even spending the £5k that I did.

Amazingamy...

Just out of interest, if you were financially well off and your DS met someone, they were saving for a deposit but weren't quite there yet and DS was between jobs but looking. Then they announced they were engaged WWYD?

I wouldn't spend that much on a wedding in your financial position.

I agree people are being blinded by the £8k net a month. Your earnings are recent and may be uncertain in the future (own business rather than employee, MH issues) and your DH to be has no earnings and low future earnings. You have debt and no assets. You want to live in Surrey which costs a bomb.

However I also wouldn't ask parents or in laws (especially in laws) to give the money for a deposit somewhere else. Too cheeky.

I think in your shoes I would cancel the big wedding - and fight to get the deposits back, at over a year away they should be able to re-book so will have lost nothing. Start to plan the small wedding and explain to parents that you would prefer to use your £10k towards a deposit. If you are lucky they will offer to contribute their £10ks to a deposit instead. (If you are very very lucky they will offer to pay for both the wedding and a deposit, as per your fiance's hint...). But don't ask.

Whichever way you go... Please don't spend £3k on flowers. That's totally completely insane. And you don't need an MC either (in fact I find them a bit cringey).

amazing - do you think it would be more sensible for the PIL to just hand over their savings for day to day living costs now? (It's not like the OP and her DP would get a mortgage right now even if they had the deposit money, he's not working and she's not cleared her debts and her business hasn't been running that long).

They may well have always been saving towards a wedding, I know my parents always had a bit to one side that was for weddings. Another savings account was for uni. I took a year out before uni, I didn't get the uni money that year, it was saved for a thing - if I'd not gone to uni, I probably wouldn't have been handed it either. Possibly for an alternative training scheme, but not just to spend on living costs.

It would be different if the PIL's son couldn't cover his rent, but his DP earns £8k a month.

Our wedding was £48k (inc honeymoon) and whilst I loved every minute, it went by in a flash as everyone says.
We were financially in a position to spend this money but afterwards we did think, 'wow, what could we have spent that amount on instead'.
I can't honestly say we wouldn't do it again - we had a ball and it kindofa ran into a 3 day event where aside from their accommodation (which venue provided at special rate for guests) they didn't have to pay anything else so it was amazing to spend time with all our favourite friends and family.
If you want to cancel then that's entirely your prerogative but irrespective of whether both parents are financially able to offer such high a wedding gift, I still wouldn't be expecting such an amount - it's up to them to offer it to you. Simply put, tell them you're cancelling and having a simplified do as you'd rather plough your money into property and see what they offer. Be aware that they might not as parents often love a fabulous wedding for their DC's and would have been unperturbed about the cost if they're financially able

£30K is an awful lot to spend on one day - can you scale it back at all?

BUT I think there is a lot to be said for a big wedding. It will give you - and your parents - a lifetime of memories.

I had a big wedding, and we thought at one point about just running away and doing it on the cheap abroad. I'm so glad we didn't. It meant so much to do our vows publicly, and crucially in front of all our friends and family.

£20-£30k is quite a normal amount to spend amongst professionals down here. But you don't have a house, op...
Stop trying to keep up with the Jones's when they've obviously got far more disposable income than you.

Plus, due to my bipolar, I put these savings in an account that my Mum controls which I have no access to on the instructions that she's not to let me have access to it for any reason other than a house deposit.Otherwise I'd get hypomanic and spend the lot on very stupid things!

Like getting carried away planning your wedding. You haven't earned 8k consistently over time and your dp doesn't currently work. Do you really think it prudent to plan such an extravagant celebration? could you really get and afford a mortgage in your current situation? Even 30k deposit won't go far in SE. Is your rent subsidised , otherwise it seems low relative to your council tax.

I'd tell them I had some money squirrelled away to help them with a deposit, and give them money for that, but it's their money at the end of the day.

I don't think you can ask them to put towards a deposit - like others have said, they're giving this money, they can have a nice time and see their family etc.

I would massively try and limit what you're spending - 1.5k a month on eating out etc is a lot - put majority of that towards a deposit.
Maybe ask your parents if part of their money can go towards a deposit as it sounds as though they would understand?

The way I think about it - a house is a house, somewhere to live is a fundamental need. A wedding can very easily end up being a very expensive (albeit lovely and meaningful) party.

It would bug me to lose the £5k. You
Only get married once and you earn good money so I wouldn't cancel. I would just cut costs significantly after that. I had an expensive venue but kept costs low elsewhere. Own hair and makeup, homemade venue decorations, on sale m&s bridesmaids dresses at £30 each, drop a few guests from the list, etc etc.

To answer the two questions you put, OP:

• no, I don't believe it is rude to ask if the wedding could be scaled back a bit and the money saved put towards a house deposit, to add to what you are already saving. This helps establish a more secure future as a couple and family more quickly. If your respective families are so supportive of you as a couple that they are happy to spend at that level on the wedding, they would surely be pleased to help you do this. I'm sure you could spend £18k and still have a beautiful wedding that no-one would think cheese-paring.
• yes, I do think you could put proposals for how you could achieve a beautiful, lavish wedding for £10k - £12k less to your partner without

pissing on his chips.

You need costed proposals so no-one is panicked into thinking that the wedding they had in mind is going to look a bit bargain-basement.

Personally, (although you weren't asking this) I think even the lower level is too much, but my wedding cost under £5k 7 years ago. We had 40 guests, a great champagne reception and dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant and my 'bridal gown' was a DVF wrap dress in which I looked absolutely smokin'! (and which I have worn many times since.) We'd bought our house and we were spending money that year on having the garden landscaped, which was a rather more lasting monument than a big wedding. I was also putting kids through private school. So we had other priorities. I would think at this point in your life you might also have other priorities, and it would be absolutely reasonable to share those thoughts with those close to you.

*LIZS...
*
I'm not hypomanic at the moment, but maybe you know my mental health better than I do?

We are contributing £10k, £5.5k of this we have already done as we've paid all of the deposits so this leaves us spending £4.5k over the next 12 months. I don't foresee this being a financial issue for us at all.

While my income is not 'guaranteed' the sector in which I work is buoyant and I'm very experienced and have a very good reputation so I don't anticipate any huge issues. If there is I can get a permanent, employed role and go back to £5k.

But thanks for the support

...and no, we can't get a mortgage for the house we want at the moment as we don't have a big enough deposit.

However I have spoken to a mortgage broker who specialises in self-employed consultants and they have special arrangements in place with 14 providers that mean I could get a mortgage even though self employed for less than two years.

While I'm in debt I've never missed a payment so my credit rating is good and I can afford a mortgage in terms of affordability criteria.

£20-£30k is quite a normal amount to spend amongst professionals down here. But you don't have a house op... hmm
Stop trying to keep up with the Jones's when they've obviously got far more disposable income than you

I have to agree with Molly you actually cannot afford it, a house is a far better option.

...and you missed the posts earlier where I've said I have saved £20k in the last 18 months so we would have £45k with the wedding money (minus £5 spent on deposits)