...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

[stumblymonkey]

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

Wolver I worked 24 years full time, my mortgage is small as house prices were a lot less 25 years ago, I've never moved and only topped up £10k which I then paid off when I was made redundant from my full time job 8 years ago.

OP.
No-one can comment sensibly without context. (unless they think £30k is a waste of money for a wedding even if you are billionaires).

Why does your DP not earn? Is he studying and will earn in the future and contribute towards the cost of mortgage and deposit?

If your respective parents are comfortable might they be planning to assist with a deposit as well?

I would much rather put £10k into my DC's house than a wedding. So much of it is a monstrous waste of money, IMO.

Also: how is our long term security? You do earn a lot, including for the SE. But is your job / area of work secure in the long term? Could you be out of work, find yourself downsizing on your rented property, and with only your wedding photos to look at for entertainment?

Have you actually discussed this dilemma with your DP?

So not the Same as a first time buyer in the Home Counties then

OP you really don't need to list out your outgoings. They really are no one else's business. Concentrate on the people giving you advice

It is up to you what you do with your money. Honestly. Good for you that you earn that much. I would definitely concentrate on buying a house first though. Could you not use half of your parents money towards a house, and the other half towards the wedding?

Gazelda has already asked what immediately sprung to my mind - if the inlaws won't agree to fund your property will you go ahead with the larger wedding instead?

Tbh, I think it's a bit cheeky to get your inlaws to offer up £10k for a wedding and then say 'could we still have the £10k but use it for something else?' and I'm someone who would put property purchase ahead of large weddings!

Is it likely that you will change your mind and want the wedding anyway, you seem to have been planning it for a while?

If you get £8k net why are you saving out of that to pay tax? That should be after your savings

Given your outgoings you could easily save up to pay for your wedding in 8 months. Just tighten your belts

I live in London - I know what the bubble is like - but you need to wake up and see that you are wealthy and you are in a strong position to buy in the future

oh just seen it's £8k post tax - and your previous problems with money.

If you have racked up debts in a manic stage in the past, I can see how the sums involved will seem terrifying that it's tempting you back into old bad habits.

Perhaps find it easier to see it as not a party that's just for you, but a family/community event - if you are living at the other end of the country than your extended family, then it will only be at occasions like this that everyone gets together and it's perhaps your family's turn to host it.

If you can save £5k a month (perfect possible with those sums if you and your DP plan your spending carefully), then you will have £60,000 by the time of the wedding. You will have your deposit and the big wedding.

It's not rich in the Home Counties I assure you!

It is certainly in that level in the Home Counties, I can assure you

How much would you lose? Cancelling with 3 days left isn't good!

Terrible idea to discuss money on MN, the answers will never be good!

I think it might help to ask yourself and answer very honestly whether your bipolar condition has played any part at all in the excitement and spending on the wedding. Many people do spend high amounts on weddings, and many more get v excited, so I'm not saying it is just because you are bipolar. This won't result in debt, but as you say, it is money that could (if the parents agree) be spent on a house.

Well done in paying off your debt, but in some ways the debt repayments mean that you are a bit further behind on house purchase than you would have been otherwise.

I think posters are getting a bit sidetracked by how wealthy you are!

iMHO it would be a bit rude to ask the PILs if you could use their cash for a house because they have given it to you for the purpose of paying for your wedding which they are looking forward to. They have probably talked about the wedding to their friends and in my experience will want to invite some of their own friends along (I used to work in events and was always staggered by how much say parents paying had over the guest list!)

Given you earn so much, PIL contribution is only a few months wages for you so you can save that up instead.

Have the wedding. You will be providing employment for a great many poor people on min wage.

I am a tiny bit at those focusing on the money per se.

Our parents want to contribute and are in a financial position to do so. There are various reasons (now explained) why I haven't been able to save a whole house deposit (c £50k plus £10K legal) yet.

The question I'm really asking is:

• Is it rude to ask DP's parents if they would mind us having a small wedding (despite taking them through all the plans for the larger wedding) and to use the money they are giving us for a house deposit instead?

I sort of think it is rude but wondered whether the fact that it makes so much more financial sense might override rudeness in their eyes?

• Would I be unreasonable to persuade DP to have a smaller wedding if his heart is set on a bigger one?

Obviously I have to speak to him to know if this is the case but I think it is...

I said it earlier, but after your post I'll say it again.

£30k on a wedding DAY, just isn't my idea of fun. I wouldn't enjoy it if it cost that much & it doesn't sound like you will either.

You know your Mum would rather you used it for a deposit, so you can do that. You need to talk to his parents & see what they think & of course what he thinks.

Do you mind saying why he doesn't earn anything and if/when he will?

Also, not to put too fine a point on it, in your situation with bi polar I would be wanting to have money put safely aside to get me through any tough times ahead and some place I couldn't spend it if I was in a bad place.

Security is more important than big dresses and table decorations.

Married is married, registry office or £1bn, and that's what's important, not the wedding day.

Wow - such vitriol here!

OP: well done with everything you've achieved and I hope you and your DP have a very happy life together.

If you want a big wedding then have one. If you don't then don't. The only note of caution I'd give is to be prepared for your DP's parents not to want to hand over money for a deposit. And I don't think they should feel obliged to either.

Is there prospects for your husband to earn an income in future?
Is your credit rating sound, given the debts you mention?

Well yes as I mentioned on the first page is it rude to accept a cash gift for one purpose and ask if you can use it for something else instead...

I think if that's what they have offered the money for that's what you should spend it on...and enjoy your wedding day!
If doesn't sound like it'll take you long to save for a house deposit but if you've already saved £20k why don't you repay that large loan off now as you're likely paying a much higher rate of interest than you'd be getting on any savings.

OP - ignore the nosey parkers above and their insinuations/ shrill tut-tutting regarding your income and wealth level (which are frankly irrelevant to your actual AIBU question). e.g.WTAF are people starting to ask about your husband's income! ...

I think if wedding is in Dec 2017 then YANBU to change your mind. However a certain degree of tact and diplomacy will be needed to ensure your parents'/in-laws' feelings are taken into account regarding the substitution of wedding expenses for house deposit.

Good luck!

Personally I would take the time to think through exactly what you want from the wedding.
Do you want a massive day with 120 people some of whom you rarely if ever see? Or would a smaller more intimate day suit you?
If you really want everyone there then where can you shave money off it, cut the number of people, reduce the flowers, cheaper dress etc etc. Fewer bridesmaids, by the time you count hair, makeup, dresses, shoes, bridesmaids must be about £500 each.

I do find it to be a bit silly to spend £30k on a day when that could have you sorted out with a house.

well in answer to your 'is it rude' question - yes, yes it is rude.

As I said earlier, a lot of families see weddings as family events, not just events in the lives of the 2 people getting married. With families spread out, it is often only at weddings (and then funerals and baptisms if Christian) that everyone gets together. Your PILs might not be offering to pay for the wedding because they want you to afford all the bells and whistles, but because they feel it's their turn and they don't want you to have to pay for their family get-together. If you do'nt use the money for your wedding, they may feel they have to throw a big 'do' for the next birthday ending in a '0' so that everyone can get together - so would rather hold back the money for something like that.

Or they might not have paid for their own wedding so feel a duty to pay for their DCs, but if they saved for the deposit for their own home, they don't feel the same duty of family tradition to pay for that for you.

They haven't offered money for a deposit or a wedding, they haven't given you a sum and said "use it for whatever you want" they have offered a set amount towards a set event.

My parents gave me £5k towards my wedding nearly a decade ago, my brother isn't married but has since bought a house, they didn't give him money towards the deposit. Should my brother and his DP ever get round to planning a wedding, I'm sure my parents will give them some money towards the costs - but for that money, they will expect all their siblings and siblings DCs (our cousins) to be invited.

I don't think it's rude to go to parents and say, we've (if he's on board) been thinking about the wedding. It seems like an awful lot of money to spend on one day when all we really want is to be married to each other and so we have been thinking about scaling back the wedding and putting more money into a house deposit. We really want to buy a house and have some security. What do you think?'

Then give them the opportunity to tell you what they think. They might be totally behind the idea, they might not. But let them tell you then you can have a think about what you want to do.

Pippa is that you?

From the OP's update:-
There are various reasons (now explained) why I haven't been able to save a whole house deposit (c £50k plus £10K legal) yet.

I see that, I'm just not convinced that the deposit is the responsibility of your parents/inlaws especially when it looks like you could manage it yourself given a little more time. You are making great progress with your finances.