...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

[stumblymonkey]

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

Sorry missed the part that your dp doesn't earn.

And OP, it is not normal for parents to contribute to weddings unless they can either afford it easily or they want a say in the proceedings.

Sorry I'm struggling to understand what you want to get out of asking that question here? Do you want us to say it's too much money to spend, as that sort of feels like you're saying that back in your responses. So don't spend it? Or do spend it, and enjoy the day, it sounds like you are doing well for yourself, so go with it now. Hope you can find a decision you are happy with .

My sister had a beautiful wedding for less than 4k. Big white dress, the whole shebang. 30k on one day when you have the same result at the end is quite obscene really.

Since you do in fact earn shit loads, it isn't ultimately going to matter...but I would rather have a cheap wedding and have more to put towards a better house

No way did she have the same wedding as a £30k one for £4K. It's just not possible unless she got loads of freebies

Have a smaller wedding. Seriously, it is ONE day and then all that money is gone. You will still be marrying the man you love but you won't be wishing you had not spent so much when you wake up the next day

What would happen if your DP's parents declined to transfer the gift from a wedding fund to a house deposit fund? Would you continue with the wedding as is?

And OP, with the best will in the world, £8k per month is rich, even 'down south'. £1.5k rent however is quite low, so your income vs outgoings must leave you with a fair old whack of disposable income each month. On that basis, I'd be too embarrassed to accept £20k worth of gift towards an extravagant wedding.

Do you want a big wedding, OP? Because, given your income, it sounds as though it will not take very long to save the amount you need for your house deposit. In those circumstances, it's not really either/or, is it? So I would go for the big wedding if you want it and accept the donation to it that your parents and in-laws are happy to make. If you yourself (and groom) can't be bothered with all the fuss and preparations, then that is a different story and you should spare yourself the trouble. But it doesn't sound as if money is an issue here.

If you're on £8k per month net, you are rich!!! How come you can't save for a house deposit yourself?

1.5k per month in Surrey? You are roughing it despite your high salary, must be the Stokeontrentonian in you.... Or do you live in a shoe box? Or rent a garage?

The thing I can't understand is if you get 8k a month, why don't you already have a deposit?!

I think 30k is ridiculous to spend on a wedding, but if people want to do so, then it's their money

BUT

you can't possibly cancel it and still want their money when you're on 8k a month, that's so cheeky.

You'd be better off just having the wedding and saving your own money for a deposit. You're lucky enough to have people contribute to your wedding, just be thankful for that

TBH this wasn't meant to be an in-depth look at my income and outgoings but...partner earns nothing so my income is for both of us.

These are guesses but...

• £1.5k rent
• £500 train fare
• £60-100 phones
• £60 virgin
• £250 council tax
• £90 water
• £?? gas and electric, estimate £200?
• £80 insurance for four cats
• £90 insurance for our shared car (I only learnt to drive last year and had an accident)
• £175 car finance (bought before I earned so much)
• £600 loan repayment (see explanation below)
• £160 petrol
• £50 at a guess for home insurance

Then I have to save 25% of my income to pre-pay for next year's taxes (self employed) as this is the first year I've been self-employed. Won't have to do this next year.

We probably spend about £1.5k on eating out, groceries, cinema, days out, gifts, things for ourselves/shopping.

I never said I was poor....but we have zero assets so I wouldn't consider us rich.

Explanation for the big loan is that I have bipolar disorder and was only diagnosed three years ago after two massive breakdowns and psychiatric hospital. On Bipolar 'highs' I would spend money like you wouldn't believe due to being mentally ill. I am now paying all of it back (and will be done next year). Also i have only been taking home £8k for a few months.

Why on earth you'd want to spend that on a wedding when you don't own a house is beyond me. It's madness.

Speak to the people concerned and absolutely use it as a house deposit if they agree.

Why would his parents give you money for a deposit when they want you to have a big wedding? It is certainly not traditional for the groom's parent to pay such a large wedge of the wedding - I imagine they're doing so because inviting distant relatives and old friends to see their son married is special to them. My parents - who are usually very sensible with money - were like this about my first wedding. They were keen to bankroll it but they also had a large say over the guest list, location, etc.. They looked forward to it all year and had a whale of a time with people they didn't usually get to see much and well and truly enjoyed being hosts. We could have politely declined their offer to fund it, but we couldn't have asked to spend the money on something altogether different.

Fair enough - your parents want you to use their 10k towards a deposit instead. So why did they offer it for a wedding?

We probably spend about £1.5k on eating out, groceries, cinema, days out, gifts, things for ourselves/shopping.

Per month? Really?
Cut back a bit and save a deposit yourself!

I earn circa £8k net per month so we're not rich - what planet do you live on?

Apart from that statement - it is ridiculous to spend £30k on a wedding if you don't have a house to live in.

Total waste of money IMO. I cannot imagine the tedium of planning something so far ahead.
Pop into a register office, have a party afterwards and save all that money for something tangible.

Dear God , the rest of us are in deep trouble then

If you're self employed and have only earned £8k for a couple of months it's pretty irrelevant isn't it? It's not regular or guaranteed. I don't think it's relevant to the wedding/ house situation at all. Clearly if you could afford to buy a house you would've done so long ago.

Wow, looking at your figures, even putting 25% aside for your tax you still have over 2k left a month. I am jealous and yes you are minted

I feel like I've been drop feeding now...I haven't meant to I just didn't realise it would be relevant:

• I set up my own business in June and now take home £8k, before that I'd taken £5k for about two years and before that £3.5k for a couple of years and then sliding scale down to £15k ten years ago. So I haven't been on this kind of money for long enough to save a lot yet (but obviously the intention is to save more going forward, so far I have saved £20k in 18 months)

• As per above, I have bipolar disorder which has only been under control for the last two years (I was diagnosed three years ago). Before that my Bipolar mania meant I would spend money without being able to comprehend the consequences (it is part of the disorder) and so I didn't save any money and also racked up £30k of debt which I am close to paying back

You need to speak to the people concerned OP to see if they'd be okay with you using their money for a house rather than a wedding.

OP - you would be rude to ask them to use the money for a house deposit instead, they have offered it for a wedding - which in a lot of families is seen as a family event, not just an event for the couple getting married. If your and your PILs have attended many other big weddings of extended family members' DCs paid for by the parents, they may feel it's 'their turn' to host a family wide get-together. They aren't offering you the money for you, but so that you don't have to fork out to host the size of event that's expected as a family function, not a party that's just for you.

If you are earning £8k pre-tax, assuming your take home pay is around £5,200 a month - take off £1.5k a month rent, assuming another £500 travel costs and £1k living costs (if it's just the 2 of you), that leave £2,200 a month. Give you and your DP a £500 a month 'fun money' budget (very generous if you don't be stupid with it) and that will leave you £1,200 a month you can save. You will have £14,400 saved by this time next year.

With those sorts of funds available (possibly more if you cut your 'fun money' spending lower or your DP gets a job, even a part time one if he's also studying/has childcare responsibilites or move to a cheaper property for a year), you are perfectly able to raise a good deposit amount within 2 years.

If you aren't prepared to cut your spending in order to have a large sum saved when you easily have the opportunity to do so, you really aren't mature enough to be getting married and buying a house.

Spending that much money in a wedding when you don't have a house is ridiculous. Not saving more money when you're on that money with your fixed outgoings as listed is as well. I personally think your parents are mad to fund your wedding or a house deposit!!!!

I think your plan is sensible and will get you on th property ladder sooner. But I would speak to the parents and ask if they would be willing.

You also don't have to justify your monthly spend to strangers on the internet or why your parents would,like to contribute to your wedding.