...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

[stumblymonkey]

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

I think ^^ posters are being unfair. I don't think £30k weddings and unusual at all, and if you look at ie many Indian weddings that's cheap

I've been to some great expensive weddings and I've been to some cheap weddings that just looked cheap and tightwad. You've got to be very smart to get a good wedding out of £4K but £30k you just pay an expert wedding planner at a beautiful wedding and ta dah! Far more likely to be lovely.

I guess I feel a bit uncomfortable as, while we're financially comfortable now, DM and I come from a working class background.

DM was a single parent to me, we lived in a terraced house with holes in the floor, she often skipped meals to pay for me to be able to eat when I was a DC. We struggled. I paid my own way through uni by working 30 hours on top of my law degree.

So although we have plenty of money to go around now (and don't get me wrong I've enjoyed spending it so far) when I tot it up it makes me feel like I should be spending it on something a bit more 'sensible'.

In what universe is £8k a month net not rich?
I seem to have fallen through the rabbit hole

I earn circa £8k net per month so we're not rich

It sounds like your families want the big wedding and that is what they want to pay for, not a house. Personally, I would rather get married at a registry office and then go for a curry and use the money for a house but both sets of parents might have very different ideas. I aslo think it is odd that they didn't offer the money for a deposit in the first place. You need to sit them down and talk to them but be prepared for disapointment.

It's not rich in the Home Counties I assure you!

Our rent alone is £1.5k without bills. My train fare to work is £500 a month, etc, etc.

I know how it sounds as I'm from Stoke-on-Trent originally but honestly it's not rich down here...

I think its wrong of you to take money from your Dp if you earn that much (and I speak as another high earning solicitor)

I think the tricky bit is asking DPs parents for money for something else. You've said DPs mum is excited about The Big Day. I think of course it's entirely up to you how much you spend and what you do for your wedding day, but I think it's a bit much asking for equivalent amount of money to spend on something else.

As you say, you earn well. You should allow parents to contribute what they like, and for what they like. If you want a smaller wedding, fine, but don't expect to get cash for setting up home.

If I were on £8k a month I would not be worrying about how much my wedding would cost in all honesty OP. You only get one wedding day (hopefully) Spend as much as you like, on what you like and enjoy your day

I am so jealous of you I could cry

Seriously, wherever you live £8k a month is rich. I bet your partner earns a fair amount too. There are nurses, teachers, shop workers etc etc who also live in the Home Counties who will earn a fraction of what you're on. After travel and rent you have £4K left over, that's more than our household income and we are not poor in any shape or form and both earn more than the national average.

£1.5k rent is surprisingly low.... C'mon Op you know you've got loadsa money

And actually after you've described your childhood I imagine your mum must be immensely proud to be able to pay for such a lovely wedding for you

Atticus...

I see what you're saying but re: not taking money off our parents but...

(a) I thought it was pretty standard for parents to contribute to weddings?
(b) As noted above they are financially well off and we're not taking money that they need for something else
(c) We are paying a third of the wedding ourselves
(d) They want to contribute

PS: I'm not a lawyer now, I just did a law degree

My partner doesn't earn anything....

30k is an obscene amount to spend on a wedding, sorry. I would absolutely cancel it and buy a house.

If you don't own a house I wouldn't spend 30k on a wedding!!!
Madness.
30k is an excellent deposit. Get a 1 bed flat and get yourself on the property ladder.

I definitely think if you can ask for it to be put towards a house deposit and explain your reasoning and they are happy to do so it would be better. We had a very small wedding in a registry office and our reception in a country pub. It was lovely. We had just bought our first home together with parents help. Im so so glad we did it this way. We spent about 1K on the wedding altogether, I felt no guilt at all and I think I would have felt really gutted if we had spent a load on the wedding arc the expense of a house...

Jeez you earn £8k net a month but are not rich. What on earth are you spending your money on? I earn £10k a year working part time and own my own home, pay my bills, run a car and save towards holidays as I budget well.

I would not lose the £5k but maybe downscale to about £20k if you could. What ever you do it is going to cost you and a modest wedding would still set you back £15k so with your deposit lost you are going to be there.

8k a month and not rich, cannot be said in the same sentence.

Plus that's not even your combined income.

£8k a month?

So after £1.5k in rent, £500 in travel, plus bills of what? Another £1k? What do you do with the other five thousand a month?

You obviously have a tiny mortgage though troysmummy