...to cancel our big wedding and ask to use the money for a house deposit?

[stumblymonkey]

DP and I are planning to get married on 1st December. We have been very excited and are well ahead with the planning, deposits have been paid to pretty much all the suppliers. The only things we haven't bought yet are the dress and groom's party suits.

We have paid roughly £5k in deposits. The whole wedding will cost c.£30k and we are very lucky in that our parents will jointly contribute £20k.

I've loved planning the wedding, it's everything I've ever wanted and we will/would have a perfect start.

DPs mum is very excited about the wedding. My parents think we should have had a small wedding and put the rest towards a house deposit (we are renting).

However....

I'm getting cold feet about the amount of money we're spending on one day that everyone says goes by in a flash and have started to think maybe we should lose the deposits and spend a small amount on a registry office or church wedding and then a meal at a pub or something informal.

Obviously it's our wedding and we can do what we like but AIBU to persuade DP to do this if he would prefer the big wedding?

And WIBU to ask DP's parents if they would still give us the money if we decided we wanted to use it as a deposit?

I'm more dithering between the two rather than dead set on a small wedding (I've been the one planning so far so can't say I haven't known about the costs as I have)...

I would keep your plans as they are but scale them down a bit, e.g. so you wouldn't lose the 5 k deposit. Get a cheaper dress, don't invite quite so many people etc. etc.. It's quite easy to do it if you put your mind to it. There must be a lot of ideas on here. Could you not do it nicely for about 22 k or something like that?

I loved my big wedding but it didn't cost nearly as much as this 14 years ago but I LOVED the day and will remember it forever. Get another plan to get the money together for a deposit.

Don't spend 30k on a wedding unless you have money to burn.

You don't.

You don't have a property.
You don't have massive savings.
You only recently have a good income.

You are not as well off as a lot of people on here are suggesting.

30k being 'normal' amongst professionals is what keeps people wasting such massive sums of money.

It's nuts. Cast aside all the 'usual' wedding stuff and you can have a fab party for much (much) less.

I just asked DP his views and he is very set on the wedding we've planned.

His view is:

• I only plan on getting married once, and yes it's an extravagance, but I want to be able to experience the wedding day that we want and can afford

• If we had a small wedding I think we'd regret it and you don't believe in 'renewing vows' (this is true and just personal opinion, I have no problem with other people doing it) so it's not like we'd get to say 'we missed out on having a big wedding day' and do a vow renewal ceremony like some people do

• I want to be able to experience everything...it's not just about the day but the whole planning, excitement, tasting, etc

• I'm not sure how my parents would feel about asking to use the money for something else, my Mum is pretty excited about the wedding

• My parents have said they plan to give us 'something else' which is likely to be something big knowing my parents so stop worrying about it

WTAF are people starting to ask about your husband's income

Because, it's relevant. If her STBDH isn't ever going to earn any money that's one thing. If he has a job starting in January earning £25k a month then it's a different situation.

You're not the thread police either Pickapoo so....

If you have 20k saved why don't you pay off your debt?

You are in debt, renting yet would spend 30k on a wedding.

Having already paid deposits of 5k I would be looking to downscale things rather than canceling these plans and arrangements and starting again from scratch eg. how about inviting less guests but using same venue? I don't think losing deposits of £5k will feel good or sensible to anyone, even if for a good cause?

As a PP said maybe aim to spend £20k rather than £30k, and put the £10k saved towards your house deposit?

Hope you have a lovely day and find a great home too!

My DP is between jobs at the moment, he will be working soon but is a personal trainer so doesn't earn a great deal.

Well, I'm afraid the thing that jumps out at me is that it's all very well him saying that 'we' can afford, but he's not actually earning any money, so it's what you, your parents and his parents are prepared to pay.

Of course, not knowing why he doesn't earn anything, that might sound a bit harsh, but...

I don't blame you, as parents who can afford it, it's obviously their wish. It must be lovely to see your children get married and have a great day bringing the two families together and a great celebration. You will soon manage to save for a deposit.

Actually, if you don't want the big wedding or the planning of it is making you fear getting back into bad spending habits, then cancel the big wedding.

But, just give your DPIL the money back, say you are going to do a small wedding and then save for a deposit. That gives them the chance to decide if they want to give you the money for the deposit, or just say "ok" and keep it for themselves. If you ask them if you can use it for a deposit instead, you are putting them in a tricky position if they want to say "no". It's not fair to force someone who's done something nice for you (offered to pay for yoru wedding) into being 'the bad guy'.

You might find that once you have cleared your debts, they become forthcoming with money for a deposit, if I had a DIL with £30k debts and a DS who didn't work, I wouldn't think that handing over £10k would go into the housing fund, but would be swallowed up clearing debts/day to day living costs. They might be happier to give you money for a set thing (the wedding) because they know that's were it will go. (From your OP, it reads like they haven't actually given you any money yet, they have promised it and possibly agreed to pay certain suppliers directly).

If your MIL is excited about the wedding, it does read like she expects a big family event. That's what they are offering to pay for, which could well be as much for their benefit as yours.

I think you need to think about the people you want to invite. For us the expense was all about feeding and watering people! If you are happy to have, say, 30 people there then a smaller and cheaper day makes sense.

But if it's going to mean compromising on people you love not attending then I'd spend the money.

My dh and I spent £25k on our wedding (in London) 5 years ago. We had 90 people. My parents contributed £5k but his didn't at all.

There's no way in hell I would have spent that if we weren't already home owners.

You need to talk to dp and see how he feels about the wedding. But I wouldn't be surprised if the contribution won't be offered towards a deposit. You can't invite your friends, but a lovely outfit and show off at your sons new house....

'Pippa is that you?' That made me chuckle!!

Okay Annie, I'm not here to "police" anything so do feel free to keep firing away at the OP about her DH's income as you have done in your last few posts

*Vixx
*
The debt is already coming down nicely, it will be all paid off in six months and I get no financial incentive for early payment (pay no less interest). Plus, due to my bipolar, I put these savings in an account that my Mum controls which I have no access to on the instructions that she's not to let me have access to it for any reason other than a house deposit.

Otherwise I'd get hypomanic and spend the lot on very stupid things!

Cross posted with you.

If your happy with the 'what we can afford' that's up to you. It wouldn't be fine with me. He wants the 'experience' but he's not the one who grew up like you did, he's not the one with bi polar and he's not the one earning the money...he's also not the one thinking very practically, just dreamily IMO.

Sorry X post

I'm starting to think this is daily mail fishing now..

I can't get my head around spending £30k on a wedding day/party.

What on earth does that actually GO on? Surely there's only so much diamondy, sparkly wedding tat you can buy?

Dinosaurs....both sets of parents offered to give us the money now but due to my bipolar I asked that they keep it and that they pay suppliers directly when payments are due as it's best if I don't have access to large sums of money frankly!

Just a small reminder that most of this is not your money to decide how to spend. Your families have given this money towards a wedding - by all means explain your concerns and your thoughts and find out how they would feel about spending it differently - they may be fully in agreement!!!

But it is their money and they will be perfectly at liberty to not want to spend it on a house. All this debate on whether you should spend it one way or the other is irrelevant - its not your money therefore not your decision.

If it was me I would never have given it for a wedding in the first place as I think they are a total waste of money. You can make the decision whether to ask or not but the answer is totally up to them.

Be very careful about the 'think about who you invite' suggestions- if your PIL and Mum are offering to pay the bulk of the wedding costs between them, it could be because they want to have all the extended family at the wedding.

Sadly, I do agree with your DP, you do only get married the once. There will be ways to cut the costs from £30k - but don't cancel everything if you do want the big day/party.

I spent close to 20k (euro) on a wedding, with contributions from both parents, and I have no regrets (at the time, we were also buying a house so could theoretically have used the extra money towards deposit)

I think the parents presumably feel they are hosting some of their friends and family as well, so asking them to use the money as a deposit is incredibly grabby. We had a fairly low key wedding but we had 120 people, including a lot of family that it meant a lot to our parents to have there. Much of that money was spent on our guests enjoyment- we had no favours, or silly expensive things, we mostly spent money on food and alcohol and then the rest was on good music (v important to me) and flowers.

Ireland is a v expensive place to have a wedding: the only way to drastically cut down on it would have been to have fewer people, or to have it somewhere less convenient for most guests and made them pay 100euro a night accommodation or fly over to the UK (we're both Irish and so were the majority of guests) I can believe where you are is similar.

It means I won't get a fancy kitchen. I'm really ok with that. I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting anything from our parents (they offered) or trying to redirect their money though. They didn't try to control the wedding, but they absolutely wanted to enable us to have as many family there as we could afford, and we used the money accordingly.

As an aside - 8k/month is wealthy in the southeast, especially with only 1500/month on rent and no kids. I speak from personal experience of feeling v comfortable on a joint income of 3500 in London. If you've only just started earning that, it will take you a while to get comfortable with it, but I'd suggest going ahead so you don't lose your deposit but cutting back on the unnecessary bits.

It's not rich in the Home Counties I assure you!

I live in the Home Counties, and I earn £8k/month gross and consider myself 'rich' compared to most in my affluent village. Yes, there are people richer than me... unless you're Bill Gates there always will be! But £8k/month net (that's about £150k per annum gross) is rich to 99% of the population, even in the Home Counties, and to say otherwise is insensitive to say the least!

YANBU to ask DP's parents. Why any reasonable person would rather see their money used for a fancy wedding rather than giving a child a leg up on the property ladder would be beyond me.

Since your parents have already said they'd rather see you use the money for a deposit, you are perfectly within your rights to do exactly that with their contribution assuming they still agree to it, regardless of that your future iLs decide. And that's what I'd do; I'd use my parents £10k contribution as savings for a deposit and have a scaled back wedding.

Why don't you tell your DP that your parents want to contribute to a house deposit rather than a wedding and that they would rather gift their £10k to help them purchase a home/asset/investment which you actually agree with since it's the sensible option. You can still use his parents' contribution towards the wedding costs - it's a compromise so start as you mean to go. As a team, you can make it work, a £20k budget is still going to provide a good party! So, who is in charge of the wedding finances? What dies your DP do if he's not currently in paid employment?