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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to use childcare while being a SAHM?

129 replies

SwimmerLakes · 28/11/2016 01:53

Hi... I actually have no idea if I'm being U or not!

My baby girl is a year and 2 months. I'm a SAHM - well, kind of - I am part-time. I do 2 night shifts a week. Which I admit DH does have her, but she's asleep... I bath her and put her to bed before I go to work (which I'm more than happy doing).

I have her all the other time which of course is lovely. So I look after her when DH is at work Smile so kind of SAHM. I feel lucky to be able to do this.

I do 3 classes a week (singing lessons, piano lessons and karate) in which my mum looks after her for. I also go to the gym but that's when she is in bed and I do that the evenings I'm not working.

AIBU to let my mum look after her for those classes I do? DH thinks I am because I'm a SAHM and shouldn't really do the classes as they get in the way of my 'job' Confused my mum loves looking after her for the hour and really enjoys spending that fun with her on her own.

I don't know what to do. I feel guilty now for still doing the classes, as he is right, he's supporting me too with money as he has a much bigger income. I obviously have a small income too but that doesn't go that far. I feel badSad

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 28/11/2016 02:11

Of course YANBU. You need a break, I assume your DH gets some time out too. You both need some downtime.

HedgehogHedgehog · 28/11/2016 02:20

YANBU what on earth has it got to do with your DH? Your child will be with its grandparent which is great. I assume these lessons are not taking up the entire day? Your DH is being ridiculous. Im a SAHM and i dont even have part time hours and if my DH said that to me id be livid. Fully livid. Unless his point was that we couldnt afford for me to do the classes which would be a reasonable reason for me to stop them.

Pretenditsaplan · 28/11/2016 02:24

Those classes will enable you to get a better job when shes older yanbu

SpeakNoWords · 28/11/2016 02:27

YANBU. Also, he's not supporting you, he's contributing to the family income, as are you. He currently earns more, which is not surprising as he works full time. He can only do so because you're providing childcare, so you are supporting him in his work, enabling him to earn more than you.

Plus you're not using childcare! Your child is spending time with her grandmother, which is a great opportunity for them to have a lovely relationship. It's a bonus for your DD to have regular time with a grandparent. It's good for your mental health to have some time to yourself in between working and looking after your DD.

Can you ask him why he begrudges you these 3 hours to yourself?

Original poster
SwimmerLakes · 28/11/2016 02:28

I'm happy with my job, as it's my 'uni job' if that makes any sense Grin I'm a nurse, so I was allowed to cut down my hours. I'll go full time when she is older/future children are also older (if I'm lucky enough to have more!)

So pleased I'm not being unreasonable. The classes are an hour long, so definitely doesn't take up the full day and my mum absolutely loves having her on her own. It's a good time for them to see each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwimmerLakes · 28/11/2016 02:30

Speak - I don't know Sad he just thinks that I should be looking after her all the time as that's the whole point of me cutting down my shifts Sad

OP posts:
SpeakNoWords · 28/11/2016 02:33

So you're only allowed to work or look after your DD, nothing else? Is that what he does too, or does he get time to do his hobbies?

It's 3 hours a week. It's no time at all in the scheme of things.

LondonSouth28 · 28/11/2016 02:37

It would annoy me if my partner said this to me - especially as you do work PT and are with your DD FT and arrange your life around childcare. I wouldn't be shocked if my partner came out with similar thoughts and have heard similar comments from men who I had considered 'enlightened' (not stupid!) as to how demanding bring a SAHM is.

So to prevent such conversations in my house I took a different route to get where I wanted....I think sending your DD to day care will help her with self confidence, socialising skills and mental and physical development. At my childrens nursery there are a number of SAHMs who send their children to nursery for a half day/1-2 days a week for this very reason. I also did this and found it very beneficial for my children (and my sanity). Maybe if your partner could see it could be beneficial for your child not just you?

Regarding your mother looking after your DD for you to go to classes, that's your business. You've arranged it, it costs him nothing - unless he has issues with your mother being around your DD then he doesn't need to comment on that!

Good luck x

InTheDessert · 28/11/2016 03:20

When do you sleep when you work?
So, say, your up all day Wed looking after your DD, then you work all night, then you're up all Thursday doing childcare again.

Apart from letting your Mum have her granddaughter for a few hours a week, I'd say you need to look at some childcare to allow you to sleep some days.

SheldonCRules · 28/11/2016 07:28

Maybe it's not the time as much as the cost, if he is having to support you is he having to pay for your three hobbies plus the gym or does you paying for them mean he is having to pick up the slack elsewhere?

People have different views on using childcare, three times out plus the gym would have felt too much when mine were little.

ConvincingLiar · 28/11/2016 07:44

I don't think your Dd is that little anymore. 3 hours a week away from her when she's with her grandma sounds absolutely fine. Does DH know how boring/wearing it can be spending a whole day with a 1 year old?

LBOCS2 · 28/11/2016 07:49

Tell him you'll rearrange the classes for when he's at home so that he can look after his DD. After all, your SAHM 'hours' are only while he's at work, surely? The rest of the time it's shared parenting... so he'll presumably be happy to pick up the slack while you're out enjoying your hobbies.

YANBU. He's being a knobber.

JunosRevenge · 28/11/2016 07:53

*Tell him you'll rearrange the classes for when he's at home so that he can look after his DD. After all, your SAHM 'hours' are only while he's at work, surely? The rest of the time it's shared parenting... so he'll presumably be happy to pick up the slack while you're out enjoying your hobbies.

YANBU. He's being a knobber.*

This. With knobs on.

Foxysoxy01 · 28/11/2016 07:55

I would tell your partner that as your 'work hoursmean you are looking after DD until 5:30 - 6:00 that after that he will have to do everything because of course your contracted hours finish at 5:30.
Then leave him to it, go out for the evening.

I should think two evenings of this and he stop being such a knob.

ByeByeLilSebastian · 28/11/2016 07:57

As a sahm myself I'm saying Yanbu in the slightest.
Go, enjoy yourself!

MarcelineTheVampire · 28/11/2016 07:58

When do you catch up on sleep after a night shift?

You DH doesn't have a clue- to me it's far easier being at work than looking after a baby all day. He doesn't even do any childcare, assuming your child sleeps all night that is.

YANBU at all.

passingthrough1 · 28/11/2016 08:00

I thought you were going to ask if you could pay a nanny as a SAHP or something. Your daughter spending a few hours a week with a grandparent? What's the issue with that?!

temporarilyjerry · 28/11/2016 08:22

When do you sleep when you work?

I thought you were going to ask if you should put her in nursery/use a childminder so that you could sleep. YWouldn'tBU to do that, either.

So your SAHM job is supposed to cover all the hours that you are not working as a nurse? HIBU.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 28/11/2016 08:33

OP, I'm a nurse and I work two shifts per week. I don't consider myself a sahm. You earn money (and even if you didn't) you are allowed time off.

lalaloopyhead · 28/11/2016 08:38

I thought you were going to say you wanted to put her in a nursery for a day a week on top of your Mum looking after her or something, and even that wouldn't be ridiculous just a luxury.

I think your Mum looking after your DD while you do a few classes is a non event really and I am surprised your DH thought it worthy of comment! I am sure that your DD and DM enjoy their time together, and it is good to be able to get out on your own too.

YANBU, don't give it another thought!

campervan07 · 28/11/2016 08:44

Has he said why he takes objection t this? Does he get time off too? Might have misread it but do you work 2 evenings and do gym 3 others? Maybe he feels he is working or doing childcare in evenings while uou are out and doesn't have time for his hobbies? Not saying he is valid but there is often a grass is greener view and you probably need to discuss it to understand what's up with him.

However I assume he gets breaks at work, say an hour a day plus coffee break? Surely your few hobbies equates to similar time off in your working day

MrsDustyBusty · 28/11/2016 08:44

Three hours a week with Granny is something that should be on your child's schedule regardless of what you do during that time. They need to develop loving and independent relationships in the wider family and community. It's an essential part of their upbringing and will help prepare her for pre school when she will need to have had the experience of you going and coming back to adjust happily.

FireflyGirl · 28/11/2016 08:48

Agree with LBOCS' assessment of your 'D'P.

I'm a SAHM to 20 month old DS - he does a couple of hours a week with DMIL and a full day with DM, and DH even goes early and drops him off. DH does not begrudge me this time at all!

His attitude is disgusting - you are providing childcare so he can work, he is not 'supporting you'!

Lj8893 · 28/11/2016 08:54

You do 2 night shifts a week, I'm assuming they are between 10-12 hours a shift so you are not far off full time anyway! When do you sleep?

Blackbird82 · 28/11/2016 09:00

Wow, your husband is being a complete arse!

Yes, absolutely let your mum babysit so you can do your classes! From the sounds of it, your husband thinks you should be permanently tied to the sink, ironing board or Hoover. I can't believe he said it would be getting in the way of your 'job' the cheeky sod.

This has made me irrationally angry!!

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