AIBU to use childcare while being a SAHM?

[SwimmerLakes]

Hi... I actually have no idea if I'm being U or not!

My baby girl is a year and 2 months. I'm a SAHM - well, kind of - I am part-time. I do 2 night shifts a week. Which I admit DH does have her, but she's asleep... I bath her and put her to bed before I go to work (which I'm more than happy doing).

I have her all the other time which of course is lovely. So I look after her when DH is at work so kind of SAHM. I feel lucky to be able to do this.

I do 3 classes a week (singing lessons, piano lessons and karate) in which my mum looks after her for. I also go to the gym but that's when she is in bed and I do that the evenings I'm not working.

AIBU to let my mum look after her for those classes I do? DH thinks I am because I'm a SAHM and shouldn't really do the classes as they get in the way of my 'job' my mum loves looking after her for the hour and really enjoys spending that fun with her on her own.

I don't know what to do. I feel guilty now for still doing the classes, as he is right, he's supporting me too with money as he has a much bigger income. I obviously have a small income too but that doesn't go that far. I feel bad

Well he should be 'being a dad' then by putting his child to bed and spending time as a family. He sounds like an absolute spunkbubble. 24 hours a week nursing is hard work never mind with full time childcare on top of that. He needs to start pulling his weight.

The only way I can see his attitude making any sort of sense is if

(a) you are paying your mum, and he thinks it's an unnecessary expense
or
(b) he dislikes your mum and doesn't want her to take care of your daughter

are either of these true?

if not, I really don't get where he is coming from.

Is he one of those men who think children should always be with their mum and that any form of childcare which isn't the mum is second best/harmful?

You're not a SAHP. You work more than 'half time'.

Of course ynbu to do a few things you enjoy during the week. It's a bonus that your dd can go to her grandmother - it would also be perfectly reasonable to use paid childcare whether you're working or not.

The support goes both ways. He might be the main earner, but good luck to him to find a child minder from 12pm each day if you weren't there to do it.

If it's not your mum that he has a problem with, then I think YANBU and he is BU. It sounds like he is trying to exert some control (whether he realises it or not) over the amount of 'child-free' time you have to yourself.

Plus it's not that your DD "needs" to be with his grandma (what he said in his text) - clearly it's a win-win solution for everyone if your DD and DM enjoy each other's company and you get to go for your classes.

does he want to work PT and have time during the day to do what he wants? have you spoken about him going PT and you changing to FT?

when GC are with their GPs its not really childminding is it, its family time with someone else in the family - children need to build their own relationships with extended family without parents hanging around, it helps build their character and gives them a different perspective on things. I think its a healthy thing for kids to do.

Peggy, it wouldn't work. His job is so much less likely to be there if he left. His hours also can't be part-time, so it made sense for me to. He also said he wouldn't take her to swimming Lessons/baby classes, etc. so it just wouldn't have worked.

Oh he can do anything he likes at the weekend too - as he finds family days out 'boring' so refuses to come to those

Complete double standards on his part, then. You're supposed to be absolutely fine devoting all your time to your DD apart from when you're asleep, working or at the gym, but he doesn't need to spend all his time with the family even when he's around at the weekends. And I suspect that he opts out for more than the three hours a week that you do.

For a man who doesn't want to do any activities with his DD - he seems to want to control you. As mentioned before you are not a SAHM you work. Not that it matters. Even if you didn't work you are allowed to spend time doing other activities.

Personally I would go to the gym earlier in the evening and get him to put his DD to bed on those nights.

Was your child planned? Because honestly it seems like he doesn't want to BE a dad.

I was a sahm first 2 years of my daughters life, ex was/is a sexist selfish arse and he STILL did bath and bedtime a few evenings a week, we took turns for lie in at weekends, and we did family days out also when she got to 18 months and I wanted her to go to crèche for development/socialisation he had no problem with this thought it a good idea actually. Even before that if I wanted to go gym, for a swim, to cinema with friends etc while he was home with dd that was no problem because she was BOTH of ours child!

Even if you just purely look at it in terms of work hours it seems he works 12-6 and not weekends? So he works 30 hours (does that count as full time these days ? ) accounting 8 hours per night for sleep and even not including his breaks at work he still gets 80 hours a week free time, if I'm wrong and he works 40 hours he has 70 hours!

But he's begrudging you THREE?! Knob of the highest order!!!

A decent dad would

Appreciate what you do in looking after a child that is BOTH of yours

Spend time with HIS child (however bloody boring does having a vagina make babies and toddlers miraculously fascinating???) DO stuff with her in the evenings, play with her, bath her, put her to bed.

Make an effort on 'family' days out HE is part of that family - this is important not just in terms of being a dad but in being a HUSBAND!

It's NOT all about money it's a RELATIONSHIP with you AND his daughter.

He needs to buck his ideas up!

I missed that he doesn't have an issue with your mum, just thinks you should do it all on principle.

And that he doesn't come out with you at weekends.

He's a sexist prick. Sorry OP.

I don't understand why in his mind a child will only be looked after by her grandparent if it "needs" to happen. Plenty of children see and are looked after by their grandparents purely because grandparents and children like it. Why can't she be looked after just because they both enjoy it, and if it has the added bonus of you getting a tiny three hours to yourself each week, so much the better?

WTF you are NOT a SAHM if you do two night shifts a week! Especially not if you're working as a nurse, which is hard physical work! Your DH sounds like an arse and you should keep doing your classes. YADNBU.

From my calculations your DH doesn't work that many more hours than you. If he starts at 12noon and is back by 6pm he presumably is doing a 5.5 hour day 5 days a week as you say he finds family time boring at weekends so from that I'm guessing he doesn't work then. You still manage to work 20-24 hours a week, do practically all the childcare and have 4 hobbies. He is extremely lucky you aren't burnt out and demanding he do more.

Perhaps he's jealous you have hobbies where you meet other likeminded people and may find out you are definitely not being unreasonable. He sounds like he wants you tucked up at home doing mumsy things and not being independent.

Your hobbies are your down time and grown up time and are needed to give you a purpose to being who you are - not just a mum and wife. he should be proud of you.

When my DD was 14mths we popped her into nursery for an afternoon a week so I could have a bit of me time. I realised quickly I loved this time and meant my child was interacting with others (like your DD is with your mom). We upped it to 3 afternoons so I could clean the house and shop without her and so when I had her it was our exclusive time. As a result I was a happier mom and we are extremely close. I am very grateful to my DH for seeing I needed a break.

Right he's just a cockwomble. My Dh is a SAHD, next year our youngest will be old enough to go to our nearest nursery. I've really encouraged him to agree to having youngest in nursery for two days for school hours. Because he works his arse off around the house and deserves time to just do whatever he fancies without a tiny child clinging to his leg. That's what your husband should be doing.

(I'm ignoring the fact you work too because I honestly think it shouldn't matter. In terms of deserving to carve out some time for yourself you deserve those three paltry hours. Oh and does he get a lunch break etc? He'd better knock that on the head because he should be working as that's his job).

He seems to work 30hrs a week and u work 24, yet you consider yourself a SAHM and him FT. Can you cinform that?

You are supposed to spend every waking hour looking after your dd, yet he opts out of family time at weekend. Talk about double standards!

*Confirm obvs!

OP, until recently I did 2 night shifts as a nurse. Because both are at time +30% you are bringing in a nearly full time wage. Just more efficiently. (Also did the 2/3 hr sleep thing!)

if something happens to you what happens to dd?
because right now it doesn't sound like she would be better off with her dad as he doesnt want to spend any time with her!

sit down and do the what happens if i die if you die if we both die scenario and write a will - because frankly it sounds like he would be left with dd and not have any bond at all... better you make it your wish for her to go to granny...

As I recall the male sahp in the post was a lazy waste of space. Op is not.

I hate this black and white view that some people have about this. It's a couple of hours a week and your mum loves it. He shouldn't even complain if you were doing it while DD is at home with him and you were a full SAHM. Are you meant to just work and be a parent? No hobbies allowed? He sounds controlling... I just don't get why this is an issue. Carry on as you are OP..

Don't let him get away with this. You will be parenting with him for a long time. He seems to have done a number on you where you think you do a little pin money job while he works his fingers to the bone to enable you to sit around doing hobbies. This is so far from the truth that he must know it's absolute nonsense. So he would rather do what he likes between 6 and 8 AND at weekends than spend any time with his family, yet he begrudges you 3 hours away from her at a time where it has no impact on him whatsoever? Don't let him get away with it.

No YANBU, you have a lovely balance

YANBU at all, your mum is more than happy to look after her whilst you do your classes, and it's a chance for them to bond too. Your DH is being unreasonable, there's no reason why you shouldn't take this time out for your self. Does he do any hobbies or anything at the weekends/when he's not working?

Just read your further updates. He finds family days out boring? Well that's going to be fun for your dd as she gets older and becomes more aware of his attitude. Why on earth did he have a child if he's not willing to put any of the leg work in? He sounds like an arse, go to the gym - and don't feel guilty about it. You're doing nothing wrong.

So he doesn't want DD to spend a minute away from you ... but won't spend time with her at weekends because 'family life is boring'????

My blood is boiling for you, OP. Tell him to shove it.