AIBU to use childcare while being a SAHM?

[SwimmerLakes]

Hi... I actually have no idea if I'm being U or not!

My baby girl is a year and 2 months. I'm a SAHM - well, kind of - I am part-time. I do 2 night shifts a week. Which I admit DH does have her, but she's asleep... I bath her and put her to bed before I go to work (which I'm more than happy doing).

I have her all the other time which of course is lovely. So I look after her when DH is at work so kind of SAHM. I feel lucky to be able to do this.

I do 3 classes a week (singing lessons, piano lessons and karate) in which my mum looks after her for. I also go to the gym but that's when she is in bed and I do that the evenings I'm not working.

AIBU to let my mum look after her for those classes I do? DH thinks I am because I'm a SAHM and shouldn't really do the classes as they get in the way of my 'job' my mum loves looking after her for the hour and really enjoys spending that fun with her on her own.

I don't know what to do. I feel guilty now for still doing the classes, as he is right, he's supporting me too with money as he has a much bigger income. I obviously have a small income too but that doesn't go that far. I feel bad

As long as your DH is free to do his own hobby evenings and/or weekend, then I can't see a problem. Does he have any hobby (sport or anything else)? You should discuss with me.

I would absolutely not tell him that you being a SAHM "allows him to work", because that's absolute nonsense. He would still have to work even if you were not here/ or were at work yourself. Single parent have to manage, having one SAH parent is a luxury for the children (not financially, when you know the cost of childcare). Its great, but they don't do a "favour" to the other one who works full time. You are not a SAHM anyway when you have a job. Enjoy your classes, you deserve them!

Youve got to be kidding?! In what would is a woman supposed to spend every waking minute with their children?

YABU in one respect only, which is to describe yourself as a SAHP when you work what must be in the region of 20 hours a week. As a pp suggested, if he's that arsed you can do your hobbies when he's at home instead. If he thinks you can't afford them, you can do another shift while he looks after her.

Just out of interest OP, what social/hobby things does your DP do during the week/month? Or does he choose not to do any?

YANBU. Cost is a reason to stop. The words 'my job'...is he talking about you looking after not just your child, but his child too?

Sounds like you have a lovely set up with grandma and your child is v lucky to have that.

Oh and how often does DP look after dd when she is actually awake?

Oh yes and to add to hyacinths point- please stop thinking you're lucky to only work 2 night shifts and look after your child all day that sounds bloody unlucky to me

Your not a sahp you work part time

If it was me I'd need childcare so I could sleep after a night shift

3 hours a week ! Yanbu In the slightest

Yanbu my dh is a sahd and we have 15 hours week childcare too . My view is that, yes that time is to give him chance to catch up on jobs but it's also to stop him hating being at home.

I think being at home looking after twins is a seriously hard job and he needs that time.
You are barely taking any time and you're working, tell him to stfu!

He is being unreasonable. Everyone needs time off- I'm generally a sahm (although self employed but work around children) my youngest goes to playgroup 3 mornings a week so I get a break- those mornings save my sanity!

YANBU. Your DH on the other hand, sounds awful and is totally U.

It's really good and important for children to have relationships with their grandparents but, even if you were putting her into a nursery or with a childminder whilst you were home, it's not at all unreasonable to be a SAHM and have some time to yourself. After all, even people who work 9-5 get a lunch break and time away from their desks. When you are looking after a child or children, it is constant and relentless.

First of all, you are not a SAHM, you work!

Your sole purpose in life is not being a mother. You are a person in your own right and deserve a good quality of life. Doing classes and going to the gym makes you happy. Your partner sounds like a complete nobber, no you are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable!

Also you work slightly more than "part time". Assuming your night shifts are the same as mine (12 hours), that's 24 hours per week plus a disrupted sleep pattern and a young baby to care for. Your DH is being so unreasonable, it's not even like he's having to care for the baby whilst you do your hobbies. And they will improve your career somewhat, singing to a frightened elderly patient, playing piano with a patient who used to but has memory problems etc... Plus they keep you happy!

Perhaps your DH would like to read this link here about children developing better when they go to nursery or spend time with grandparents (or google the research if you would rather not click on the link). Just to add though, I have been home with my children since last spring, so I am not criticising SAHM in any way and I appreciate not everyone is in the position of having grandparents or being able to afford nursery fees.

YANBU. Yes, it's your "job" to look after DD at the moment.

But that doesn't mean spending every minute with her, that's crazy!

For a start, it's good for your DD.

It's good for DC to get a variety of experiences, not do the same thing every day. If she's going to her grandmother, she'll be getting new experiences and also developing a strong bond with her gran, and that's got to be good for her development and her future.

Even if she was going to a nursery or CM that would be good for her as it's an enriching experience.

Also, it's good for you, of course.

Is your DH this controlling about other aspects of your life?

How is your dp generally op

Just something I picked up on we're you said you bath her and put her to bed before you go to night shift ??

Does your partner do any of the bath or bedtimes ??

you should put her in childcare in the day when you come back after the night shift so you can sleep.

also yes of course she can spend few hours with granny while you do something.

"he just thinks that I should be looking after her all the time" why?

Oh my goodness, you're not a full-time SAHM, you work outside the home too.

I work three days a week and don't call myself a SAHM but my hours (daytime, 3x8hr says) are probably similar to yours if you're doing long shifts.

I think you're amazing if you're managing to do two nursing night shifts plus care for a toddler in the day time.

I would definitely expect you to have some sort of childcare for the days you are post nights and wouldn't think that was BU in the slightest. I am amazed you have the energy for classes but agree YANBU at all to leave your child with your mother, it's a great set up for all of you.

Can you show your husband some of these replies / discuss this with him? How would he react? He needs some perspective I think!

He's being massively unreasonable. Might be new jealous of your hobbies? When I was younger my husband then boyfriend got really jealous of my knitting hobby - but he didn't deal with it by stopping me, he went and found something to do himself to relax. Maybe ask him about that?

If it's not that it sounds very unfair and controlling. He works days so you look after the baby then, he can pick up the slack when you're at home so you can get out of the house. If you think of it that way he's bloody lucky he's got your mother to help him out, not you!

I'm on mat leave and my mum has DD every Wednesday for me as she doesn't have work. They both love the time together which I think is great for them both.

It's not childcare really, it's your mum looking after her grandchild

I hope he never goes out to the pub or gym after work. After all, the only thing you're allowed to do when you're not on shift is your SAHM work, so presumably the same must apply to him, right?

Is it the Money he's worried about? Although 3 x 1 hour classes I'm guessing is less than £30 a week, and you're getting free childcare, and your child is getting 1-1 time with her granny. It sounds like he's being very dismissive of what you do . Don't say 'Im a sahm' because you aren't, and don't say 'I only work 2 shifts a week'. Because I would imagine looking after a child all day then doing a night shift at the hospital is not an 'only'. He is diminishing what you do and making out that he has sacrificed everything for you to sit around and go to classes all day. My DH started this when I cut down my hours a lot. I soon put him straight.

Uch, he is being a total gobshite!
You are not a SAHM, not that there should be any issue whatsoever with you doing the classes if you were though.
I work far more than the typical 40 hours full time, but because I'm lucky enough to be able to fit this around school and nursery hours, people, including DH seem to think that I'm a SAHM so all the tasks should fall to me.
Offer to change your shifts to 3 lates a week and see how he gets on then instead

Honestly if I had my time again, I'd have been far more firm about insisting on 'me' time, otherwise it gets completely swallowed up.

YANBU! Your h is BVVU.

1. It's good for your dc to spend time with other loving caregivers and family.
2. It's good for YOU to have a break from your dc and spend time doing things YOU want to do! Surely your h will reap the benefits of you being happier?

How much does your h look after your dd? Is he controlling in other areas of your relationship?

When my DC were little, I was a SAHM and didn't even do part time work. But from about 2 my DC all did 2 mornings at Nursery and often also went to a creche while I went swimming. It did them no harm, and actually helped them develop social skills, and it helped me remain sane.
YANBU your DH is BU though! (My DH was quite happy to pay as we could afford it at the time.)

So your husband thinks because you are now a SAHM you should hve no other life other than 24/7 childcare?

This is bonkers. You're not even a SAHM anyway (unless your DP is being a SAHD during the times when he's responsible for the baby and you're at work??)

Your DD is spending 3 hours a week with a grandparent, I think that's really positive.

I have friends who actually are SAHMs and some of them send their children to nursery 1-2 days a week (not saying there's anything wrong with that, just as a comparison).