AIBU to use childcare while being a SAHM?

[SwimmerLakes]

Hi... I actually have no idea if I'm being U or not!

My baby girl is a year and 2 months. I'm a SAHM - well, kind of - I am part-time. I do 2 night shifts a week. Which I admit DH does have her, but she's asleep... I bath her and put her to bed before I go to work (which I'm more than happy doing).

I have her all the other time which of course is lovely. So I look after her when DH is at work so kind of SAHM. I feel lucky to be able to do this.

I do 3 classes a week (singing lessons, piano lessons and karate) in which my mum looks after her for. I also go to the gym but that's when she is in bed and I do that the evenings I'm not working.

AIBU to let my mum look after her for those classes I do? DH thinks I am because I'm a SAHM and shouldn't really do the classes as they get in the way of my 'job' my mum loves looking after her for the hour and really enjoys spending that fun with her on her own.

I don't know what to do. I feel guilty now for still doing the classes, as he is right, he's supporting me too with money as he has a much bigger income. I obviously have a small income too but that doesn't go that far. I feel bad

YA totally Not BU

I don't understand why your husband has a problem with this. It's lovely for your mum to have her GC for 3 hours a week and it's great for you to be able to do some things yourself.

Does he get any time to do his own activities/go to the gym? If he doesn't then perhaps he is a bit envious and you could jointly look into ways he could get some time to himself.

If he already gets time to himself - he is BVU and controlling.

Also, as others have said - when do you sleep??

Yanbu. Also you wouldn't be unreasonable to have someone look after DD the two mornings after you've worked nightshift and those mornings your DH would get her ready and take her so your sleep wasn't interrupted. Btw you're not a sahm, you work outside of the home.

Think of your classes as a lunch break

You're not a SAHM! You're working around 24hrs a week I presume? He is being a dickhead and YANBU. Keep up with the classes.

As soon as we have a bit more spare money I'll be sending my 14 month old to nursery 1 day per week. I just need a break and to catch up on housework which I find almost impossible with her around. I'm a SAHM and I don't work at all. I don't care what my OH thinks about this, unless he is going to pull his weight a little more and give me the break I need it's tough!

So your husband ONLY works? Never goes out, never does any hobbies, doesn't even have a lunchbreak?

YADNBU. I'm on mat leave and DS goes to nursery one day a week, otherwise I would lose my mind!

Wow. Your husband is being vvv U!

I'm a SAHM at the moment, my daughter goes to nursery two mornings and a creche for an hour as well. This is essential for my sanity as she was a total velcro baby at first. Nursery was great with that and now means I can get on with stuff in peace and then enjoy my time with her MORE because I'm not worrying about dinner/the washing / etc. She's at nursery right now, singing "when Santa got stuck up the chimney " with SOMEONE ELSE.

But you're only talking about three hours a week with a doting grandmother! Frankly I'd increase that a bit, get yourself a couple of long sleeps after night shifts, and feel no guilt. You're not putting your child into a cellar for the day, just letting your mum have some grandchild time.

When do you sleep after nights?

My dh used to say this about my hobbies while protecting his own, and I work f/t. One day I got so angry I threw all his sport trophies in the bin, cancelled all his sporting direct debits, and threw him out the house. Don't let things get so bad, just tell him now to mind his own business and nip this stupidity in the bud.

Does your husband also have the chance to do his hobbies?
I think that is quite key here.
If he's working during day, with no lunch break, and then coming home and you're straight off to gym/work, and he has to stay in, then it's reasonable for him to feel it's unfair.

But, if he does get a lunch break, then what you're doing is fair, especially as the childcare is free and presumably grandma is happy to do it.

^^what arethereanyleft said.

If your dh gets no time/chance to do an equivalent amount of hobbies/have time to himself, then I could understand his attitude, to a degree, and you'd need to look together at how time could be carved out for him too. But if he gets equivalent 'him time' (or could have it but chooses not to take it), HIB an arsey dinosaur and needs to snap out of it pdq.

This sentence kind of stands out for me - I do 2 night shifts a week. Which I admit DH does have her, but she's asleep

why 'admit'? Is your DH saying he's doing a fair share of childcare, as he is sometimes present in the same house as his sleeping child?

I do the gym when DD is in bed? So I bath her and put her to bed and then go. She has never woken up by the time I'm back, so he can't have an issue with the gym, tbh, I never thought that would be an issue, as he enjoys that time in front of the TV.

When I'm on a night shift, I get in at around 8:30 and sleep until 11:30 (DH starts work at 12) I then sleep when DD is napping. It is tough, but it's only for 2 days

DH has lots of time alone. He has the morning before work (unless it's the days I'm sleeping, then yes, he does get her up, washed and feeds her). When I get up, I get her dressed then take her to park/swimming or whatever we are doing to keep myself awake. He has when he gets home from work all the way until he goes to bed. He doesn't do much with her, only the mornings when I'm sleeping.

Thanks everyone for all the replies

If I am honest, it sounds like your DH is lazy and whilst he might be her father, he is not a parent to her.

I am currently home all the time as I am in maternity leave. However, DH gets our toddler up every morning and gives her breakfast before he goes to work as this allows me a bit of a lie in. As soon as he comes home, he then gives her a bath and we alternate her bedtime routine with the person who isn't doing bedtime doing the cooking and watching the baby. DH occasionally will meet up with friends or goes running/watch football, which is fine because he is always willing and happy for me to do the same whenever I want. I think this is quite a normal household parenting wise, whilst it sounds like you do almost everything and your DH is incredibly lazy and not doing his share.

Bloody hell 3 hours sleep after a night shift plus napping when your dd sleeps does sound knackering. Don't you feel jet lagged?

Is it not a bit dangerous to be doing nursing on only 3 hours sleep? You must be very sleep deprived.

Speak - if I thought I was a danger at work, I wouldn't go in. Honestly, I'm fine on a little amount of sleep when I get home. I literally go to bed as soon as I get in from the gym the other nights and have a nice sleep then. DD is a great sleeper and even if she wakes up, I normally let her just sleep next to me or she'll cry.

You're very lucky to be able to manage on such little sleep.

Your husband is being incredibly churlish the begrudge you those 3 hours a week, when he isn't doing any parenting for hours and hours a week.

Dude, you're not a SAHM per se, you're a nurse! And you need downtime! Tell him to sod off!

I see no problem with you doing classes during the day, or with your mum looking after your DD.

I do wonder here whether the issue is that DH feels jealous - he presumably can't take time off in his working day just to go off and do a hobby, and he spends his evenings looking after his child (while you are at work or at the gym). Yes he has the mornings free, but potentially he won't be able to do the activities he wants to do at those times!

MN often talks about equal leisure time - how much leisure time does DH have?

So, he gets a few hours on 3 mornings a week to do as he pleases. And you get a few hours on 3 afternoons a week whilst grandma has her?
Well that's exactly fair isn't it, he hasn't got an argument.

With the gym evenings, remember whilst there is no actual hands on involved, he does still have the be there, so he isn't free to do exactly what he wants. Unless what he wants is watchIng tv, then it's fine, otherwise you could alternate?

golf - he has from 6pm - when he goes to bed. He can do any hobby he likes between those times as I have her. From 8 pm I go to the gym (she is already in bed) and I admit he can't then go anywhere but he could do something in those 2 hours, I'm also happy for him to do something at 8, so we could alternate, but he says he wants to watch the TV, so he does that.

I would note down the following for both:

• working time
• time actively in charge of DD, taking care of her

The rest counts as 'free time'. Don't forget to add his lunchbreaks and evenings when he's there, but she's either sleeping or you are taking care of her.

You aren't a sahm. You work 24 hours a week.