Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter being unreasonable

399 replies

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:00

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

OP posts:
sterlingcooper · 27/11/2016 23:36

Wow, a lot has happened since this afternoon. I think you all just need to go to bed, stop talking/texting/whatever and look at this again tomorrow. No more decision making or deciding how to deal with things tonight.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 27/11/2016 23:38

To be invest it sounds like your OH has escalated a lot of this with the hot chocolate stunt and cutting the lock off your DD's door, so having a bit of space from him will probably help you all calm down.

Helloitsme87 · 27/11/2016 23:39

As much as this SD needs love etc. I don't think rewarding her with a bracelet that came about because she stole one, will help matters. What kind of message is that teaching. No hot xhocolate because you've been naught, but here, have a bracelet that was meant to replace the one you stole. I'm actually baffled by that logic
Again, you and your OH are handling this terribly.....

BaggyCheeks · 27/11/2016 23:40

Why is she getting to keep the replacement bracelet instead of it getting returned?

Op I think giving yourself space to breath is probably the right thing to do, but now isn't the best time to be making drastic decisions. Flowers

Andro · 27/11/2016 23:40

You OH is really missing the point...why would he reward his dd's despicable behaviour with an expensive gift?

I would also worry at this point about your dd's safety, her possessions have been stolen and now her room destroyed - what next? Protect your dd, she is the innocent victim in this unpleasant situation.

Goodasgoldilox · 27/11/2016 23:40

So sorry Snoopy2016 - this is all very tough.

I think that children and teens - do take out their anger on people who they love. You probably aren't doing anything wrong at all.

Do you think that in all that rage there might be envy that your DD lives with her Mum and is loved by her?

Then - the kinder and more lovely you are to SD- the more it is hard not to be disloyal (to her Mum) and love you back.

Don't give up. www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/xthanks.png.pagespeed.ic.oE36IrFft1.png

Maybe83 · 27/11/2016 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 27/11/2016 23:43

So essentially he wants to reward her for being a brat Shock

Holy fuck I've heard it all now that Shock

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 23:45

It's not just this afternoon I've let things slide a lot when SD has done things but being s mum this time it didn't effect just me I'll list s few things she's done then maybe some people will understand ok let tees down on car, scratched both sides of my car, switched the freezer off when it was full of food by the time we got home from s weekend away it all had to be thrown out, she had a party and had loads of friends round when she was supposed to be at her mums and her mum thought she was having a sleep over at s friends they broke the tv and a load of ornaments, she was caught stealing from the local shop twice now she's banned from there, she put a whole tub of salt in a stew in the slow cooker, and stole stuff from DD that's a few things we've gone through with her but I have always just paid for things and let OH do the punishments this time it hurt as in still raw about my mum I watched her die a month ago so this feels worse

OP posts:
coolaschmoola · 27/11/2016 23:48

IME (I work with 'difficult' teenagers) kids don't behave badly without reason. They react to things. We may not always understand or agree with the reasons, but to them they are real.

I am not excusing ANY of the behaviour, there definitely needs to be boundaries and sanctions, however I do think that you have one very unhappy, confused CHILD who is reacting to something she is feeling. You may not know what or why - it is difficult for adults to understand because, as adults, we have learnt how to manage our feelings and behaviour so we struggle to fathom the reactions and behaviour of those who haven't yet developed those skills, but you can be certain that there is something quite deep rooted.

Happy, secure children do not do things like this. No matter which way you look at it she is clearly very unhappy. Why is that?

The hot chocolate thing was a fucking disgrace. It was spiteful and cruel - behaviours she is punished for displaying but receives from her dad? I think the fact that your OH can be so casually spiteful is a potential red flag. If my DH had done that to a child I would have been disgusted.

Your dsd needs help, professional help, to work through whatever it is that is triggering the feelings that are behind this behaviour. Kids are complex, confusing, fabulous people - but they don't have all the skills to deal with situations they are struggling with. What she doesn't need is blanket condemnation.

ValaMalDoran · 27/11/2016 23:50

Sounds like your SD has much bigger issues. It may not be something in your home that triggers what appears to be a huge shit storm.

I wonder if she feels excluded at her mums and is taking it out on your DD because she's jealous, hormonal and incredibly sad that your DD lives with you all the time and she has to live in a house where she feels excluded? You mentioned her mum remarried and had another kid? How recent was this? Is she reacting to her mum excluding her? If you had a great relationship up until recently That would explain why she went so utterly ballistic thinking you were pregnant. Would she be terrified that you would exclude her in your home as well? If you told her that her punishment included excluding her from a family Christmas shopping trip that could be why she's gone apeshit further. In her mind that probably means she was right you all hate her and are lying to her.

This goes way beyond bracelets I think she's just a scared sad child lashing out in horrible ways because she can't cope with something. You need to find out what that is to have any chance at all of sorting things out.

ohfourfoxache · 27/11/2016 23:51

Agree with Andro, you need to keep your dd safe.

Her behaviour is totally unacceptable and having her (and presumably her friends at this "party") in dd's room whilst she isn't there is a massive violation.

Andro · 27/11/2016 23:51

Your step daughter needs some strict boundaries and some professional help - preferably before she does some irreparable damage to her future. I hope her parents are trying to get on top of this, urgently!

Maybe83 · 27/11/2016 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 27/11/2016 23:54

Op in the nicest possible way, whatever your sd is going through (and it does sound as though she's going through something) your primary responsibility is to your own dd. Making her put up with this behaviour (actually it sounds borderline abusive/bullying) is not right.

Helloitsme87 · 27/11/2016 23:54

All cries for attention. It's hard as she's being a fuking nightmare. But there's clearly more issues to this.
Your OP isn't handling this very well. He needs to have a chat and maybe a day out just him and her. It's only been going on 4 months and not any hatred towards you before that time which makes t even more likely that she's lashing out for attention and needs help.
Stop being angry and try and get to the bottom of it. She's 13!

Maybe83 · 27/11/2016 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValaMalDoran · 27/11/2016 23:56

* jealous, hormonal and incredibly sad

I don't mean hormonal in a negative way just a factual one. At that age hormones can fuck up all rational thinking.

Whatever you decide to do she needs some professional help to work through this incredible anger.

neolara · 27/11/2016 23:56

I'm sorry it's turned out as it has. A horrible ending to a horrible day. Can I suggest you make no decisions now but wait until everyone has calmed down. Your dsd has obviously behaved appallingly. It's going to take a cool head and a lot of thought to work out the best course of action..

ohfourfoxache · 27/11/2016 23:56

Oh, and enormous

I'm so sorry for the loss of your darling Mum - what an awful, terrible thing to go through Thanks

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 23:58

My OH just texted saying he's packing my stuff because I had a go at him for giving her the bracelet I'll ring the school in the morning or ask get mum. Her mums baby is 4 weeks old and she never causes trouble there she's like she used to be for us in off to bed now my head hurts and DD is already fast asleep

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 28/11/2016 00:03

How long have you been a couple

Splitting up over your dsd is the wrong thing to do

Who does dsd live with perm

I would be so furious with oh and dsd with your last update. Grounding and removal of her phone as sure she must have one at 13/14 - would be a start

Your poor dd. Having bracelet stolen is one thing. But also having room ruined is wrong

Glad bracelet was found but why is dsd being given replacement?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 28/11/2016 00:14

Ok. Firstly, huge hug for you. Flowers

You've lost your mum in a very upsetting way, and you've been in a horrible situation which has escalated out of control and how your relationship has crumbled.

And of course your mental health is suffering and basically... you are not ok right now.

So, I think you need to focus on yourself right now. Give yourself some time and space away from the stress and focus on getting yourself a bit better before you make any decisions.

Can you get an 'emergency' appointment with your GP so you get seen tomorrow? Or do you have any specialist or community mental health input you could access?

Please treat yourself kindly and gently. And please, don't make ANY decisions right now. Give yourself some space and time and tell your dp and anyone else who needs to know that you aren't making any decisions, and no decision doesn't mean any kind of default decision has been made.

Please try and put your step daughters behavior out of your head for he moment. Don't deal with it as you're not in the right place to cope with it right now.

It's like the airplane safety demonstration always says 'put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else'... your oxygen mask isn't on right now sweetheart, and so how can you possibly deal with a screaming irrational teen with problems of her own?! I know it sounds the wrong way round, but tend to yourself first, and you'll find the other problems have shrunk a little.

I'm worried about you. I know we're words on a screen etc, but you're going through some really traumatic things right now and with your bipolar being triggered and unbalanced, its making it super hard for you too. Life can be crappy like that, making everything that much harder just when you really need everything to stay together so you can cope with the other crap happening.

You are grieving. It's a BIG deal. I've lost my dad and sister and it's so very hard to live through. Losing someone so close is going to shake your world. And you can't 'get over it' as quickly as society or others think is reasonable... my advice is to recognize how effected you are by your loss and to remind yourself that everything is going to be felt through the lens of your grief.

Sorry I'm not great at small posts! Here it is in a nutshell:

Be kind to yourself
Give yourself space to grieve
Focus on your mental health
Tend to yourself first
Don't make any decisions
And take all the time you need
FlowersBrewCake

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 28/11/2016 00:15

Wow what a day you have all had. So much drama!

Think it's probably best you all have a bit of space.

Evilstepmum01 · 28/11/2016 00:15

Jeez. I think you did the right thing by leaving with your DD. WTF was your DH thinking cutting off the lock? And giving her the replacement bracelet? No wonder your DSD is acting out.
hopefully it will all calm down but it sounds like you just dont need this shit in your life having just lost your mum and living with BPD. Let DH and her mum sort it out, you and DD need time to chill a bit and spend some time together.
Sleep well, I hope you can sort this out.