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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter being unreasonable

399 replies

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:00

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 27/11/2016 21:13

Poor kid (and I don't mean your dd OP) Sad Sounds like a typical case of 'give a dog a bad name and hang it'.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/11/2016 22:14

thatdearoctopus

And has since admitted she did it deliberately, to punish the OP's dd for seeming to know about this supposed pregnancy.

And that some how justifies her actions?

Stormwhale · 27/11/2016 22:19

She has done wrong. No doubt about that. However I agree with the posters saying that this needs to be a turning point. I would reduce the punishment to two weeks because she owned up. Tell her you appreciate her honesty, and reassure her that you deal with big things (eg a pregnancy) as a family, and she would never be left out of something like that. Tell her that does not make what she did ok, and that she needs to find a better way of dealing with negative feelings, like talking about it.

I would keep the lock for now, not to punish her but to stop your dd feeling like she has to guard her own things and to stop any unfounded accusations. Let dsd earn back some trust, and go from there.

Andro · 27/11/2016 22:21

Sisters do this all the time and they lose things too but you can't go ott like that because it just wrecks the relationship.

I think repeated thefts has already ensured a reasonable amount of damage done.

The step sister STOLE a bracelet, one that had been gifted by the op's (now deceased) mother to op's dd - a gift from grandmother to granddaughter so nothing to do with op's dh or his dd.

Lying is abhorrent, in my house a dc will be punished far more for lying to me than for what they did wrong originally. Punishment should stand, to rescind it minimises the pain she caused.

Maybe83 · 27/11/2016 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 22:56

Well me and dd are at my mums house thank god it's not sold yet. OH thought we had agreed to remove the lock so he bolt cuttered the padlock off and while he was in the shower SD went in and trashed DDs room and I mean she's made a right mess she smashed all her make up and nail varnish has been tipped on all the carpet. She sat laughing when we got back from McDonald's from having a hot drink and a long talk and DD was ready to forgive her. I've walked out took some stuff and gone to my mums old house I am so angry right now SD said she did it because I went through her room so she did the same to DD I didn't smash her room up I just pulled stuff out looking for the bracelet I need to think now what to do I can't keep forgiving her for these things. She rang me a while ago begging me to come home and I said I need time to think. I am so angry at OH I don't know why he took the lock off.

OP posts:
Colby43443 · 27/11/2016 23:01

You got what you deserved OP by accusing her and punishing her in such a callous way. This is not a healthy step parent/child relationship. I say this as a step parent who usually sides with the step mums in the MN threads. Hopefully the distance will do you good.

Colby43443 · 27/11/2016 23:01

You got what you deserved OP by accusing her and punishing her in such a callous way. This is not a healthy step parent/child relationship. I say this as a step parent who usually sides with the step mums in the MN threads. Hopefully the distance will do you good.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 27/11/2016 23:02

Wasn't going to post til I saw this - WTF?!?! And what about your OH - what's his reaction now?

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 23:06

How's that coby I said to ground her he did the hot chocolate and had a go at her I laughed on here but not to her and I said I wasn't taking her Christmas shopping as she's grounded and how did I get what u deserve its DDs room she's trashed not mine

OP posts:
Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 23:09

Expat he's going ballistic at her he was shouting so much I could hear him down the drive I've left them to it she's still saying I'm pregnant she even rang her mum while we were out telling her she's getting a new brother or sister even though she is fully aware it's not true.

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 27/11/2016 23:11

bonybackjefferson
I wasn't excusing her behaviour at all! I was adding to the point, to the poster who was saying that borrowing is just what sisters do. This was not "borrowing." It was deliberate theft, intended to hurt.

Maybe83 · 27/11/2016 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatdearoctopus · 27/11/2016 23:13

colby, you're really not helping on this thread.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 27/11/2016 23:14

Snoopy - totally disagree with Colby. Maybe Colby hasn't rtft?

At 13 there is no question in my mind that I would NEVER have behaved this way with anyone. My mother would have come down on me sooo hard id be feeling the repercussions for years, with full support from my stepdad.
Having said that your OH shouting at her prob isn't going to help. Have you spoken to her mother at all and discussed the situation? perhaps dsd is in need of some counselling as she obviously isn't coping with the situation in your house well? Or family counselling if you can manage.

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 23:16

Well she can lash out now I've told OH we are moving out permanently ill get the rest of my stuff tomorrow and he needs to sort out my half of the house she's phoned her mum telling her that her an OH should get back together after I said I needed time to think so there we go the real reason for all this

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 27/11/2016 23:19

I hope that SD is helping to pay for the missing bracelet or can see that it will come out of money that would otherwise be hers. It is what anyone else would do if they lost something belonging to someone else.

I'm glad that you explained about the sentimental loss too.

Paying it back also means that she doesn't gain anything if she did in fact sell it!

Goodasgoldilox · 27/11/2016 23:21

Hadn't read the continuation of this! It sounds more serious.

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 23:22

I'm struggling with all this as I have bi polar and right now it's triggered so badly I just can't cope with it all it's driving me mad her behaviour has been awful for 4 months this is only a small amount of what I have had to put up with she let all my car tyres down one day, then she put s key down both sides of my car and it cost a fortune to get fixed the things she's done would take me all day to write. I know this is going to sound bad but the conversation about the baby sounds like an excuse to do what she likes I give up

OP posts:
MissVictoria · 27/11/2016 23:24

What a spiteful brat.

Maybe83 · 27/11/2016 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 27/11/2016 23:27

Snoopy I'm so sorry Sad

At 13 you know the difference between right and wrong (should do, anyway) and she is behaving abhorrently.

Did you get the bracelet back?

Helloitsme87 · 27/11/2016 23:29

OP I sympathise. But I really feel like you're handling this all wrong.
You say 'there you go, the real reason for all this' can you not see that this is a child lashing out, trying to get a reaction and hurt you. She's displaying awful behaviour, but it's a cry for help and attention. She wants to feel equal to DD and loved by her dad. All she's doing is alienating herself and your enabling it. I'm sorry but I feel you have handled this attriously.
And I really wanted to side with you when I first read this thread. Please remember she's just a child. She needs punishing but not less loved

Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 23:29

I haven't got the energy left maybe it's the straw that broke the camels back the thing is her mum has remarried and has another baby by her new husband so deep down she knows there's no going back. It seems to be me and DD she dislikes for some reason I keep trying to think what else happened 4 months ago as we all got on really well until that point I can't think of anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 23:33

We got the bracelet back thank god and OH said we would give SD the new one which was missing the point really. I can't see us getting back from this its all too much right now OH texted saying don't be stubborn we can work this out but for my own sanity I think in better on my own with DD

OP posts: