Step daughter being unreasonable

[snoopy2016]

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

Jesus, this has turned into the middle class version of Jeremy Kyle.

Her mums baby is 4 weeks old

And your mother died a month ago?

3months ago your mother would have been gravely sick (and I am very sorry about your loss I know what that feels like) and SD mother would have been heavily pregnant.

OH I can see what was going on in that girls life.. I suspect not a great deal of attention on her as everyone else was focused on so many other things. I suspect (rightly so) your dd would have had more attention too as people would know she was close to loosing her grandmother.

Phone the school for your sd arrange some counselling. Phone relate and arrange some couples counselling for you and your DP.

Dont throw out what you and your dp have because of a misguided girl who likely right now feels like nowhere is safe for her. She lashes out on your dd because she sees her as the one who has it all (her mum is likely very busy with a newborn baby and her new life - your dd has her mother all the time)

Send your op a text if you dont want to talk and tell him you will work it out but for tonight best you both sleep apart. Meet up for dinner or similar tomorrow and TALK thinks through.

Find a way to support everyone. You need a lot as you just lost your mother. your dd needs a lot as she just lost her grandmother and is watching her mother grieve. However your SD also needs a lot as a great deal of stuff has happened in her life. I am not keen on the phrase but I would say lovebomb her. Lots of attention and time.

You and OH have to find a way forward that works for everyone. means your SD has to feel she is cared for and means something to everyone.

Means your DD has to feel she has a safe place no one can go to.

Also means your OH has to feel ok about his home (he wasnt ok about the lock and you may say you were right as SD ruined your DDs room however that wont get any of you anywhere).

Personally I would get your SD to set her own punishment for ruining your DDs room. Tell her she has to make it realistic See what she comes up with.

Don't make her feel that if she messes up she looses people she loves.. Dont let a messed up and confused girl take away a relationship you 4 months ago would have said was a good one..

Your OH has given her a Pandora bracelet?! Why on earth would he do that? Its bizarre that he cant seem to understand why you would have a problem with that. He's rewarded her with a very expensive gift for stealing. She's just going to do it again.
He also cut the lock off your dd's door, even though you seemed to make it pretty clear you wanted it on. And as a result your DDs room has got trashed.
And then he did the spiteful hot chocolate denial to his DD, instead of an appropriate punishment he chose to gang up on her.
Tbh he hasn't handled this situation at all well. I'm wondering if he is part of the problem? Is this how he usually handles her behaviour?
You need to make sure you and your DD are safe first and foremost. Having your room trashed is horrible so much worse than being stolen from, your poor DD.

I think there are some very good points being made by some pp, but mainly I'm quite shocked by the level of vitriol that's being directed at a child.

13 is still young. She's not a grown up. She doesn't have a clearly defined sense of self, mature emotional regulation, or an adults grasp of consequences. I work with young people and it's crucial to have age appropriate expectations of them.

Op, it sounds like you're really going through it and I'm awfully sorry. Grief is often debilitating and no small thing, but you say you gave MH problems - perhaps you could find some empathy for a young girl who is very obviously not okay.

Her mum's had a new baby, her dad has remarried, she has 2 step siblings...a pp talked about she is quite possibly reacting to being the least important person in two households right now. She wants to be seen and heard.

Perhaps taking some time and several steps back will give you all some breathing space, but if you have an otherwise happy relationship and home, then it must be worth working for.

Good luck and I'm sorry about your mum

OP so sorry this has happened.

could you try family therapy? She sounds very troubled and troubling.

I feel bad for the SD as she's obviously been under stress from her mum having a baby, but it doesn't excuse her behaviour and no way should she be rewarded with a bracelet. She may be having a tough time but 13 is way old enough to know better than to do this kind of thing.

A lad who was bullying me at school had allowances made for him "because hes a foster child"

Cue a few stretches at Her Majestys Pleasure when he was older.

The SD has behaved appallingly Why the fuck is she getting a bracelet as a reward. And as for the OH cutting off the lock he is responsible for the DDs stuff and room getting trashed.

Well we are at the time of year when there are lots of lovely cosmetic gift sets available. the OH wont mind forking out to replace will he?

IMO a short sharp shock from the police was needed when she keyed the car. A stiff talking to may have been enough.

I hope after a good nights sleep OP that it'll look better in the morning

You OH is the one to blame for the latest developments.
He is also to blame for enabling this behaviour in his dd.
He's gaslighting you.
He actually has no respect or consideration for either yours or your dd's feelings or private space - it's only his dd's that matter to him - he's a disney dad.
He's abusive - both to you and his own dd.

He talks a good talk doesn't he?
Makes it look like he's dealing with the issues but actually nothing changes.
Acts like he's 'disciplining' his dd but it's all for show...when actually it's you and your dd paying the price. You out of your purse and your dd by having her private space and boundaries constantly violated.

You DID NOT have a conversation about him removing the lock from your dd's room.
HE did it because he thinks HIS feelings/views are more important than yours/dd....and he feels his dd's feelings matter more than either of you.
The lock makes it obvious that his dd is a thief....and the longer the lock has to stay on - the more obvious it is that he is not actually doing anything about it.

He's unilaterally decided that the new bracelet goes to his dd - and expects you to go along with it....even though he isn't the one who's 'job' it is to pay to replace stolen items.

When you refuse to kowtow to him, allow yourself to be sweet-talked by him - he accuses you of being unreasonable.

Quite controlling isn't he?
He's abusing his own dd with his passive aggressive and controlling behaviour - i bet the hot chocolate scenario wasn't the first time he's behaved like that.

You don't need abusive, manipulative people in your life. He's making your mental health worse.

This isn't about DSD 'ruining/coming between' you and your dp - this is about a selfish, inconsiderate and abusive 'man'.

Is this the bracelet you paid for? Fuck that! Can't you cancel it?

As pp I think sadly you have to step away for a bit and look after your own MH and your DD. Do the girls go to the same school?

Your dp is a very erratic parent, spiteful nasty punishments one minute, rewarding bad behaviour with jewellery the next. It's no wonder his daughter is floundering.

How did you leave her room after you went looking for the bracelet? She may see no difference between what you did and what's she did. I stand by my last post and thing you all backed her into a corner with continued punishments and snide behaviour.

She will continue to spiral until her dad steps up with some decent loving, firm and consistent parenting.

SD is a thief.

Get a lock for the door.

And make SD pay back the entire cost of replacing the bracelet.

Your dh is the problem with his erratic parenting.

He had no right to cut the lock off that door. He was fully aware getting the bracelet back didn't change that it was stolen.

Now he wants to reward her with the replacement that your ordered.

He goes from one extreme to the other. Personally I think you are better off out of this. Sd clearly has issues. I don't believe she thought yiu were pregnant. I think that was another manipulation.

Everything ThisThingCalledLife said.

Your (hopefully Ex) OH is the problem, not your SD.

He knew, without a doubt that you didn't want the lock removed, he read this thread and agreed it would stay on. Now he's made you believe it was a misunderstanding.

I'm not going to repeat what TTCL said, but please read it again.

HE is your problem, or hopefully was, you and DD deserve much, much better than he will ever be.

What's the situation with your Mum's house? Can you live there for a while?

You need to look after yourself. Fuck him, let him get on with his life in his own screwed up way. You have bi polar, you lost your Mum a month ago and you've been stressed with SD's antics for months. You need to whatever you need to do to regain control of your life before it spirals out of control. Your DD needs you to be in control.

I wish there was something I/we could do to actually help, but just know we are here for you 💐

Wait, just read back a bit.

You found the original bracelet, so now SD, who stole and lost the bracelet, gets to keep the new one as a reward? What the fuuuuuuck.

Clarissa. Thankfully, no they don't go to the same school, the OP said that earlier.

Pluto. Yes and a whole lot more. Highlight the OP's posts to read. Her SD is a symptom, not a cause. The 'OH' needs to go and stay gone.

Its worse than that Pluto she stole it and gave it to a friend

Sorry to see where this thread has gone op.
I never thought you did anything wrong.
Certainly didn't think you were nasty for not rewarding her with a shopping trip simply because she'd been grounded for a month too. I know if i had been stealing i would not have been taken on any shopping trips!
I think you and your dd are both best away from it
She may be upset and angry but at 13 she knows what she did was wrong. She may have a lot of things to get used to, but trashing your dd's room was just spiteful and purely payback to you.
This just seems like it's the latest incident.
I'd think of your dd's welfare and your mental health

And sorry for the loss of your mom.
It's hard losing a parent

LauraPalmersBodybag
I think there are some very good points being made by some pp, but mainly I'm quite shocked by the level of vitriol that's being directed at a child.

There is some vitriol on the thread but most is just that the SD should have a "punishment" put in place.

I do have sympathy for the SD, but it is tempered by the fact that the OP's DD has done nothing wrong and is being bullied (for want of a better word) by the DSD.

There are alot of ways that this could have been handled better (easy to say for us) but there are alot of issues coming to the surface.
The mother getting remarried
The new born
The dads poor parenting

None of this should be used as an excuse for causing hurt to another person, But having gotten this far in to the thread and reading that the "D"P has cropped the lock and the DSD has trashed the room. I am thinking two things
1/ Where was the "D"P while his DD was trashing the room?
and
2/ the OP and her DD are better off out of the situation.