Step daughter being unreasonable

[snoopy2016]

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

Don't change the punishment, OP.
You found out that your SD did something worse than originally thought, regardless of her reasons.
Admitting it is not "brave" she likely caved when she thought she`d be found out anyway.

Serin

So from one incident she is an outsider!

ValaMalDoran

House rules and respect haven't worked so far.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum 💐

I'm glad DD got it back. You can re buy the charms (as you'd planned - have you cancelled the order yet??) but it's not the same, especially the one from your Mum.

As for 'secrets' of course your DD is allowed to keep the confidence of a friend without having to share it with DSD, to say otherwise is ridiculous.

Locks on internal doors. I don't like them. Partly because I think the 'bigger issues' need sorting if people feel the need to lock things up in their own home (from insiders rather than outsiders) and because it just looks so awful - which I guess is just the constant reminder of the horrible behaviour. Do you have a key to the padlock? I wouldn't want a teenager feeling they can lock their parents out of their rooms, at 14 she's too young for that 'privilege'. Your DD sounds lovely, but also please keep an eye on her behaviour around it. If I overheard anything to indicate DD was lording it over DSD it would come off there and then ('Ha ha I can lock you out' 'It's in my room and I've locked it so there').

But apart from all that, is the safety aspect. Please make sure the inside bolt in particular is one YOU could easily shoulder off if you needed to.

As for DSD's punishment.

• she still took it
• she still lied about it

• she's saying it was because of the 'secret pregnancy'. Was it or is that just convenient?

• DD gets to live with DSD's Dad all the time & she doesn't, which must at times seem so unfair BUT DSD gets advantages of having her own room and her Mum separately too. Complicated.

I guess only you know if this is a case of a) She's a PITA who thinks the world owes her & this is yet another thing or b) She's generally a good, sweet kid, really lashing out when she was hurting and didn't have the resources to deal with it any better

Given her Mum's reaction, I'm tempted to think she's a bit of a PITA who needs some boundaries in both homes but also to be listened to and talked with about the things she thinks are unfair. Not because she's right, but because she needs to be understood.

I'd talk to her about what she thinks a suitable punishment is - because there needs to be one.

I do think some people have forgotten how manipulative you can be at 13. Yes, it's possible she wasn't happy about a 'secret baby', but the 'I didn't think you'd love me anymore' could be true, could be a calculated way to get out of trouble.

Richard. It's quite possible to have privacy in a home without locks on doors. You RESPECT each other's belongings and you CLOSE the door when you want physical privacy. Locks not required.

If they were both your daughters I'd presume they would both have had pandora bracelets and charms bought for them, but just because she is your dsd it's not? The fact she's saying your dd gets more and you aren't listening says it all really.

I'd be a little worried about safety with a locked room, in case of the need to get out in a hurry. Also, if a door can be locked from the outside, then someone can be locked in deliberately accidentally.

I'd go with a large lockable jewellery box each, & perhaps a desk/cupboard that can be locked if other stuff is likely to walk.

I'm sorry, I think this has moved to bordering on cruelty, the hot chocolate thing was really shit. And laughing about it. It was cruel, Then making her do the bins, all on top of the locks and the grounding etc. It's just too much. I'm not sure what you think you're teaching her, but it's clearly that people are cruel

By keeping the punishment as is, you tell her her honesty is worth nothing to you. Even our own criminal justice system isn't that harsh.

I'm sorry, but I felt very incomfortable reading the escalating punishment this girl was getting. I'd remove the punishment, remove the locks and I'd tell her fresh start and you would trust her.

I genuinely wish I hadn't read what you were doing in uour home to her.

What the dsd would have if they were both the OP's daughters is immaterial. You can rarely have absolute parity with blended families. The dsd has her own mum and family on that side who will give her things that the Op's own dd won't receive and vice versa.
And even in nuclear "traditional" setups, blood siblings are still inclined to bean-count and perceive inequality and unfairness, even when there isn't any.

Big difference between absolute parity and 1 dd getting a £100 plus bracelet. As any kind of parent worth their salt you need to have some kind of sense of fair play. It's totally reasonable for a girl to want her dad to get her the same nice jewellry as he gets for his other daughter.

I'm Speaking as a step parent btw.

Where has it been said that the OP's partner bought the bracelet? It might have been a gift from her maternal grandparents, or from someone else years before.

Oh dear, some people need to give their heads a wobble, it never ceases to amaze me how people weave their own imagined version of events from an authors post!

Colby you've misunderstood, the DH is not dad to both girls. The bracelet belonged to OPs daughter prior to the adults getting together, and OP has said that both girls are now treated equally (e.g. both bought the same ring recently for good grades)

You don't sound like an open family who she could talk to. You sound nasty and spiteful to be honest. Your partners hot chocolate comment and your lol after it says a lot about your characters.

Yes her behaviour was unacceptable but you are creating a dynamic of her against the world. All of you, her mum her friends are involved, you will alienate her so much that she won't be able to back down.

Well, if all of this has been a reaction to thinking Op is pregnant, now she knows that that isn't the case, she won't feel alienated & won't need to take stuff & act up, will she?

Bloodymaria - oh, ok. To be honest this entire thread is making me unhappy and makes me feel sad for the child in question. I would never, ever punish my dsd for borrowing something 'unasked' from me (which is what this is, the loss is just an excuse). I have sisters. Sisters do this all the time and they lose things too but you can't go ott like that because it just wrecks the relationship.

Colby43443

She didn't "borrow" something "unasked" she stole a bracelet and gave it to her friend.

OP you have to stop displacing your own grief at losing your mum onto this bracelet. It's clouding your judgement.

OP, I would give your DD some lockable furniture, but I'd take down the lock. It is a potential risk and you should be able to enter any rooms in your house at any time. A lockable wardrobe or chest of drawers should solve the problem.

if they were both your daughters I'd presume they would both have had pandora bracelets and charms bought for them, but just because she is your dsd it's not?

Eh? Whose to say she wanted one or didn't get something else she wanted instead. Or even that the op bought it?

OP you have to stop displacing your own grief at losing your mum onto this bracelet. It's clouding your judgement.

Where are you getting this from?

I think some people are reading a different thread to me

I think when everyone is more calm you need to all sit down and have a family meeting, much as I hate that term.

Explain to DSD why you were/are so upset, and that you want her to feel she can trust you as well as you feeling you can trust her.

Once the bracelet is returned (and I'd tell her this regardless of whether that's happened or not) I'd let her know that she no longer has to replace or buy another charm, and that her punishment will be two weeks grounding.

I think you and DH need to take a step back now and realise she's still a child and that some of your actions are going to influence the way she feels - as pp mentions, this isn't just about equal money and time, sometimes people aren't rational in the way they feel and at 13 she's at a prime age for not knowing how to deal with it. You are both adults, it's up to you to make her feel safe enough to confide in you when she needs it, and not keep important things bottled up.

I also think your DH needs to lay off the likes of denying her a hot chocolate - I understand why, my DH can be heavy handed like this too - but it's just another reason for her to feel isolated in what should be her family home.

I think it's really important that you and DH, while presenting a united front, are also able to admit that sometimes even adults react in anger and make wrong decisions, and that denying her hot chocolate was one of them. She's still done wrong, she still needs a punishment, but she also sounds like she really needs some reassurance of her place in your family.

Good luck OP.

She didn't "borrow" something "unasked" she stole a bracelet and gave it to her friend.

And has since admitted she did it deliberately, to punish the OP's dd for seeming to know about this supposed pregnancy.

I'm struggling to believe that it's lost. My Pandora has been on for about four years and I only take it off when I add/remove a charm. It's never even felt loose.

Just saw your PP OP. My mistake