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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step daughter being unreasonable

399 replies

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:00

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

OP posts:

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 18:31

Her mum just rang me and asked me to talk to SD I have and I have been calm I told her that I thought what she did was very wrong she was crying a lot but I have also made it clear I won't be coming back. I did say that once we have all calmed down then maybe we could go out for the day but first she needs to see she has done s lot wrong I did appologise for my behaviour last night and to be fair she said she didn't blame me. I will never have her in my house but I did say we can try and build some sort of relationship just not now and not before Christmas. Her mum and me talked for a while she's keeping her there for a while and also said SD is not under any circumstances getting all the stuff her dad has bought her, that's her choice and between them. I'm hoping for some sort of peace

OP posts:

SVJAA · 28/11/2016 18:44

OP, I hope you and your DD are ok. You've had a hell of a lot to deal with recently, and I think you've handled it as best you can. I'm glad you've cleared the air with your SD and also that her mum isn't being difficult. I hope that your H realises that he has caused all of this, and that you and your DD had to leave.

emmyhNL · 28/11/2016 18:45

Thanks for coming back OP. Any news from DP?

Does DSD understand what she did was wrong?

thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 18:49

It seems that the ex-wife is on board with it all - just a shame your OH isn't. But they have a big problem on their hands - this is one unhappy child, and her issues aren't going to go away overnight. Maybe you walking out has been the trigger they all need to get he some help.

ohfourfoxache · 28/11/2016 18:49

Sounds very positive that her mum is "on board"

Not that you have to worry about it now of course

HelenaDove · 28/11/2016 18:53

Its great that his ex wife is on board with this. It really shows up his flaws even more.

I cant help wondering if part of the reason he does what he does is to try to piss his ex wife off.

IAmNotAMindReader · 28/11/2016 19:05

Poor girl, poor you, poor your DD. What a shit he really is. What she did was very wrong but it's not her fault her father has screwed around with her head and sense of boundaries just so he can appear to be the good guy.
She needs protecting from him and so do you and your daughter by staying away. 90% of this could have been avoided if he wasn't just so keen to win and was actually concerned with parenting. Pity it's your SD that will end up paying the price. She's got a long road ahead of her to try to undo the shit he's put on her. Not that that excuses her behaviour at all, she's still the one that decided to do it all.

kali110 · 28/11/2016 19:14

You sound really caring op.
llola it's not op's responsibilty.
Wth should op have told the sdd about her friends pregnancy? why is it her business?
the dss hasn't lost her gm either, it's op's mom. The fact that she took this bracelet in the first place knowing the significance makes it even worse.
Why shouldn't the dss live with her father anyway? Children don't always live with the mother.
She may be a troubled child but what's she done is disgraceful.
At 13 she knows it's wrong, that's why she's rung the op.
The op needs to put her dd first. This isn't her dd, she has two parents.
Your ex does needs to put boundaries in places and stop giving her rewards for acting up.
You've rung to get her counselling and you've spoken to her mother there isn't much more you can do.
Hopefully she will get help.
You need to put yourself and your dd first though.
You've had a terrible loss, you're still grieving.

HelenaDove · 28/11/2016 19:17

Perhaps llola is the DH After all he has been shown this thread.

Allthewaves · 28/11/2016 19:22

Would I be right in guessing dsd chose to live with dad becuase her mums stricter?

FameNameGameLame · 28/11/2016 19:38

I've only read your posts op, just wanted to offer and say well done. I'm so for working on relationships and not throwing in the towel. On this occasion I'd say you are totally correct.

Isn't the expression, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"?

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 19:51

Have you ever heard the saying 'the kids who are hardest to love, are the ones who need it most' Your Poor DSD is a very unhappy little girl, reading between the lines she is left out (why did she not come to visit your DM, why did you not tell her about your friends pregnancy)
Why doesn't the SD live with her mother? I think that is the root of the problem.
Poor little girl!

She didn't come as it was my mum and she didn't want to come I asked her if she wanted to come but she always declined, I never left her out not once.
She wasn't told about my friends pregnancy because she wanted only close frineds to know until she was sure she didn't mis carry again, and DD was talking to the cousin of the said friend. She doesn't live with her mum because she was struggling with depression so the choice was made to live with her dad she has lived with him mainly since they split up not that, that should make a difference children live with either parent now adays. So no you are reading between the lines wrong I have never left her out, if me and DD were going out even to a trip to Tesco to pick up a few bits she was invited, I would never favour one over the other. The problem is this time she went too far I have put up with far more than most would, and yes mainly because my mum was dying I didn't have the energy.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 28/11/2016 19:54

lLola whats wrong with kids living with their fathers.

Is full time parenting too much for someone with a penis to cope with.

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 19:56

lLola whats wrong with kids living with their fathers.

Is full time parenting too much for someone with a penis to cope with.

Thank you for making me laugh :)

OP posts:

lola111 · 28/11/2016 20:27

llola it's not op's responsibilty.
Wth should op have told the sdd about her friends pregnancy? confused why is it her business?
the dss hasn't lost her gm either, it's op's mom.
but the op took her DD to see her mum, and she told her DD about her friends PG.Won't these things make DSD feel she is being treated differently to the op's own dd

lola111 · 28/11/2016 20:29

also it is much more usual for the mothers to have the child when couples split.

HelenaDove · 28/11/2016 20:33

lola the DSD was asked to go with them but kept refusing.

Utterly pathetic attempt at gaslighting from you.

diamondofdoom · 28/11/2016 20:35

Not rtft but my sister used to take my stuff out my room and break/lose it - same with my mum. We all got locks on our door (except her), it was bliss!

Original poster

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 20:39

I treated them no differently and neither did my immediate family, if my mum ave DD money she gave the same for SD even though she never saw SD as she thought going to my mums even before she got really ill was boring so choose to stay home, my mum gave them both £60 for birthday and Christmas's. DD I will admit was a right pain in the ass when we first lived together she had just me for many years and she refused to share and treat SD fairly, I put a stop to that if she didn't get the same as her for SD then DD got nothing and SD got whatever it was, it was a jealousy thing I knew that but I nipped it in the bud. It all came to a head and DD realised she had to change when we went to lush SD was at her mums for the weekend and DD refused to get SD some bath bombs so I let her pick hers and gave them to SD when we got home she then realised and in the end she automatically pick two of everything up one for her and one for sis as she called her. So no ILola I wasn't unfair on SD at all, I did the right thing by SD always as I never wanted it to end up like this I wanted us to be one happy family.

OP posts:

kali110 · 28/11/2016 20:41

llola you haven't read the op's posts.
She didn't tell her dd about the pregnancy, op has said that twice now. Once again, this is none of dsd business!
Again, the dsd didn't visit the gm for a year so not very close?
It is poor op and op's dd that have lost their gm.
The op is entitled to treat the dd and dsd differently in regards to the gm because it is her dd's gm!
The op hasn't done anything wrong.
She has no discipline from her father who is simply rewarding her bad behaviour with things.
The op has left yet still done something to help this girl even after what she did.
The dsd is not the op's responsibility. She has her own dd to look after.
I feel sorry for her.
She's lost her gm, she's had her room trashed and repeatedly been stolen from.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/11/2016 20:50

lola You seem very worried about one "little girl" but not at all bothered about the other one who has just lost her grandmother, has a mother with mental health problems, had a stepdad who definitely treated her less well than her stepsister (see the Op's description as to what happens when each is grounded) has had a series of petty thefts done against her, has had a precious bracelet taken from her due to something her mother (allegedly) did (get pregnant) and has had her room trashed and has now lost her home.

Maybe she needs a bit of love and sympathy too?

kali110 · 28/11/2016 20:53

Mumoftwoyoungkids yes.
All the posts about poor dsd but what about op's poor dd

P1nkP0ppy · 28/11/2016 21:01

Exactly my thoughts kali110, I really feel for DD having such a spiteful, vindictive StepSis.

LagunaBubbles · 28/11/2016 21:15

but the op took her DD to see her mum

Yes and her DSD was asked to - but she kept refusing. Are you choosing to ignore that?

LagunaBubbles · 28/11/2016 21:17

Im actually really angry at the ferw posters who are determined to make it all about the OP not treating her DSD the same as her own DD, totally missing the point she is only a child to, a child who has had an awful lot to cope with recently to.

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