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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Step daughter being unreasonable

399 replies

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:00

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

OP posts:
pklme · 28/11/2016 07:02

So sorry Snoopy, for all your losses. I hope you have had some sleep and feel a bit more stable.

I don't think you did anything wrong. Your DP and his XP were better placed to notice what was unsettling DSD than you.

You need to take a bit of time and think about whether this relationship can be saved. Was everything fine before you lost your mum and the new baby came? If so, you may be able to work through it. Have you often disagreed about how to parent DSD, or has he often gone against decisions you have made together, or done things without your agreement? If so, then maybe it's time to call it quits.

WouldHave · 28/11/2016 07:10

If he really thought you had agreed the lock should go, why on earth would he take bolt cutters to it? All that would need to happen would be that it be unlocked and unscrewed.

Phalenopsisgirl · 28/11/2016 07:13

I can completely sympathise with how you must be feeling. I think sleeping on it is very wise, you might have a different perspective once you have some distance and emotions aren't quite so high.
I feel sad for your dsd as she obviously is feeling some pain that is causing these horrendous behaviours. Hormones can make you completely crazy as most of us know, her hormones are at their most volatile. However this is just awful for dd, baring the brunt of dsd rage. I can't understand why your dh used bolt cutters on the lock?! If as he says, he thought you had agreed to remove the lock why on earth did he cut if off, why on earth not just wait for you to return with the key. Something about that doesn't ring true.

NoSunNoMoon · 28/11/2016 07:15

So sorry you are going through this, OP. Your OH is a prick and seems to enable the most appalling behaviour from his DD.

She's a spiteful little madam and your daughter doesn't need such a person in her life.

Let her and your OH fight it out and live a nice quiet life from now on. You are better off without either of them in your life and your DD certainly is.

inthenickoftime · 28/11/2016 07:24

For all of the PP's who say that DSD is just a child, if my 5you DS did what she did I know he would be just as severely punished. If it had been aimed towards OP or her DF then I would be slightly more forgiving given the situation. But what DSD did was spiteful and vicious. She is a bully and is now being rewarded for this.

OP please take as much time as you need to think about what is best for YOU and DD.
You two are the ones still grieving. You need to be selfish and put DD first.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 28/11/2016 07:25

Please contact any support services you use for your mental health, OP. Stay healthy and keep well, you have been going through so much, it's not a surprise that things are being triggered.

Be kind to yourself. Have a rest, and worry about the long term planning later. Flowers

christinarossetti · 28/11/2016 07:25

How long have you been with your partner?

Given that his parenting is lacking in boundaries, unpredictable and spiteful (from the info that you've given), it's important that your dsd's mum knows a bit more what's going on. So that she has more understanding of what her dd is going through since the new baby was born, not so that she can keep the punishments going.

Does your dsd have grandparents/ extended family at all?

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 07:29

I had a long hard think last night and the reason me a OH never argue is down to the fact I have never challenged him or SD about the behaviour before. We have been together four years and in the last four months I have just replaced things and said nothing I know some people think I have been harsh on SD but the fact is she has had so many chances. It's not just the money she has cost but all the emotional stress and I'm honest because I was spending so much energy on my mum I let it all go. I have been thinking back and when she wrecked my car paint he gave her a week grounding although I think it should have been longer and she had her phone within a couple of days I let that go as I tried to pick my battles and my mum was more important at the time. I've realised he has always pussy footed about with her and never actually given her proper punishments. I'm not saying DD is an angel when she went to s lake I banned her from as a boy had died there in the summer holidays I grounded her for a week and stuck to it, she has had punishments for actions many times and I have stuck to them. I now realise that OH has never stuck to one and giving her the bracelet has made me so angry he's rewarded her with a gift worth a lot of money, when I said how will DD feels seeing her wearing it all the time he just said she will be fine. He's not the man he used to be and I've not had the time or energy to realise it,

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 28/11/2016 07:31

Wow. How one teenager can destroy a relationship. I agree her issues are way beyond being a brat. She need referring for professional help.

I've seen this before i a work colleagues DD. It got so much worse and the DD started self harming. All my work colleague would say is "I don't see her problem we even bought her a horse". Hmm

You all need to cool off and refer her. Don't bother waiting for NHS pay private before it gets worse.

christinarossetti · 28/11/2016 07:34

It's not a teenager destroying a relationship.

It's the lack of thought, focus and boundaries around that teenager from the adults around her that are doing the.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/11/2016 07:36

He hasn't changed, you're just seeing who he really is.

He's even worse than you are accepting right now, which is fine, but I hope you don't go back there, because it won't be good for your MH and it won't be good for your DD. Please read what TTCL wrote at 5:10 this morning.

Take care

inthenickoftime · 28/11/2016 07:36

OP just think if it had been your DD that had stolen and destroyed DSDs things what would your OH expect you to do to punish her?

thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 07:37

How much of the time does she live with you, compared to with her mother?

Potnoodlewilld0 · 28/11/2016 07:38

Sorry for your loss op

TBH I think you've shown some spite towards your dsd. Ripping apart her room, leaving it a mess then expecting her to clean your mess was mean.

The hot chocolate episode was mean

Your supposed to be the adult and lead by example.

My niece (13) stole hundreds of £££ worth of stuff from my home over about a month, make up & money. She has a lot of home issues.

Her behaviour is a symptom of what's going on in her head. Yes, it's shit what's she is doing but your Dh has to make her priority not sit back and let you trash her room or make drinks and leave her out. She obviously already feels isolated.

Hope she gets help soon

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 07:38

I know Annie it's just hitting home right now

OP posts:
snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 07:42

He would expect me to ground her that's the thing when she's grounded he sends her to her room if she comes down rules for her if she's grounded she gets a phone with no internet for going to school as she catches s bus at 7 in the morning then has about a mile walk that's both ways the same so I let her have a non Internet phone in case she gets in trouble and needs to ring as once she lost her bus ticket and had no way of telling us so that's her rules but SD always seems to have different. She lived with us most of the time her mum saw her 2 days a week been like that since they split up.

OP posts:
snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 07:44

TBH I think you've shown some spite towards your dsd. Ripping apart her room, leaving it a mess then expecting her to clean your mess was mean.
I didn't rip her room apart I pulled everything out looking for the bracelet and yes I did make her tidy it back up she should never have taken it

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 28/11/2016 07:44

Your (ex) other half and his daughter are despicable, get away from them for your own sanity as well as your DD's.

Scooby20 · 28/11/2016 07:47

Ripping apart her room, leaving it a mess then expecting her to clean your mess was mean

Yes how dare the op search her room top to bottom for a stolen bracelet.

Besides which it wasn't the dd was it? But her stuff got stolen and her room was trashed. That was the sd decision to do that.

The hot chocolate wasn't the op it was dh.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 28/11/2016 07:51

snoop you said you ripped the room apart. It reminds me of something my own SM would have done. I don't think people realise how small actions can have an effect on a child especially in this situation.

It all sounds a mess.

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 07:55

Ripping room apart is an expression I didn't literally trash it I pulled everything out and left it all on the bed and floor not literally rip it apart I took out all the draws took everything out of the cupboards

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 28/11/2016 08:10

You say all this started ramping up around four months ago? Is that when your dear mum died? Could that have meant that you (understandably) closed off from her a bit? Or, does she see you as a barrier between her and her dad? Hate to ask this, but were you the OW?
I'm not excusing her behaviour one jot, just looking for possible reasons. Her mum's new baby can't have helped, to be honest.

Also, who's house is it, yours, his or joint? Just wondering how straightforward (financially) any possible split might be.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/11/2016 08:11

I can't figure out why he would use bolt cutters on the lock instead of just waiting for you to bring the key.

The only explanation is that DSD wanted access to the room and manipulated him somehow to get it. Consistent with his severe lack of parenting skills isn't it? Trying to stay in her good books by giving in to her wheedling.

Foxysoxy01 · 28/11/2016 08:15

The person I really feel for is your DD in all this! She didn't ask to be put into this situation but here she is being bullied in her own home. TBH at her age I would have killed DSD for going in my room/taking my stuff!

Your DH is obviously the problem he is a poor father and horrible partner.

Who in their right mind would reward their daughters shit behaviour with a fucking expensive bracelet.

He sounds very controlling and almost abusive to both his DD and you.

You need time to get yourself sorted and stronger then maybe assess how you feel if he shows any remorse, maybe suggest some parenting classes for him (although not sure that will help with his behaviour towards you) or show him this thread again and make him read it? Might give him a figurative wake up slap?

snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 08:17

My mum died last month and SD didn't see her for a year as my mum was so ill only me and DD used to go. She still says it's the baby thing and OH has bought her a superdry coat and loads of stuff from lush according to the supposedly accidental text sent to DD this morning I give up he's making it all worse

OP posts: