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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Step daughter being unreasonable

399 replies

snoopy2016 · 27/11/2016 16:00

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

OP posts:
pklme · 28/11/2016 08:21

I think you've reached some clarity, Snoopy, haven't you? So draw a line under it, organise things around you and your DD.

Would it be too much to ask for you to have some limited contact with DSD if she wants it in future? She has behaved appallingly, but she will take losing you very hard even if she doesn't show it. She has lost your DM, her DM has a new little baby, and now she has lost you and your DD as well. She is left with a DF who doesn't parent her supportively.

You can only do it if you are well and strong, though. You must look after you and DD first.

diddl · 28/11/2016 08:26

Look after yourself & your daughter, Op.

Losing your mum-fuck it's hard!

Whilst you were/are going through that your stepdaughter still has a mum & dad to support her-you can't blame yourself at all if you withdrew from her.

And look how she behaved after she found out that she was wrong in thinking you are pregnant-trashing your daughter's room.

Your daughter who has done nothing wrong!

You are best out of it imo.

tatty1010 · 28/11/2016 08:37

So after all that happened yesterday he's been up online shopping for her over night, treating her? Confused He is the one with the issues it seems!

Groovee · 28/11/2016 08:38

You need to put yourself and dd first. 4 weeks is still a short time since you lost your mum. Your OH seems to think he should reward his dd yet your DD is expected to sit in her room when she's grounded. There is no equality for the girls meaning that actually if your dd was behaving this way you could understand it. She has the right to privacy.

diddl · 28/11/2016 08:46

I wouldn't be putting myself out if she wants to see you Op.

She's treated you & your daughter awfully.

Now I know that she's the child in this, but she's old enough to realise that if you treat people like shit they can say no when you deign to click your fingers and demand they come running.

BooeyBubbleHead · 28/11/2016 08:56

I can't believe he thinks giving her the bracelet is a good idea. Ridiculous. Confused

Scooby20 · 28/11/2016 08:58

Who sent your dd an accidental text? The ZD? Get dds phone and block her number. She is trying to wind her up.

Scooby20 · 28/11/2016 08:59

Sd not ZD

ohfourfoxache · 28/11/2016 09:17

Fuck that shit, you're better off out of it.

I really hope you're as OK as you can be

RebootYourEngine · 28/11/2016 09:17

Your sd is behaving like a spiteful little shite and your OH is enabling and encouraging her behaviour. You are better away from them. Make sure you take all of your and dds belongings before anything else is trashed.

TTAoD · 28/11/2016 09:21

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NoSunNoMoon · 28/11/2016 09:49

What a strange thing to say. It adds up perfectly to me. Are you calling the poor Op a liar?

Poor woman has has enough to put up with without troll hunters getting on her case.

StepD is being a total bitch and her father is enabling it.

christinarossetti · 28/11/2016 09:57

Sd is a child. An angry, upset, feeling excluded, vulnerable child.

Her dad has enabled her poor behaviour, and OP has enabled him too.

You need to focus on your mental health at the moment OP. You're not going to be able to support anyone if you go under.

DillyDilly · 28/11/2016 10:04

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snoopy2016 · 28/11/2016 10:27

I've collected my stuff and gone thankfully he's at work me and dd are going to be ok sd can do as she wishes now and him I'll get half of what's mine legally and cut all ties I have mums house and I still rent out previous house I left him a note telling him we are done

OP posts:
NoSunNoMoon · 28/11/2016 10:35

Well done, OP.

Stay strong.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 28/11/2016 10:36

Oh dear we are now in to calling a 13 year old child a 'bitch' - lovely

ohfourfoxache · 28/11/2016 10:45

Op you have so done the right thing, well done.

How are you doing?

Shizzy · 28/11/2016 11:01

Flowers for you OP. As a stepmother with a resident 17yr old DSD with emotional issues, I feel a little of your pain. You've been through so much already with the loss of your mum and it's no wonder that everything that's gone on a home is the straw that broke the camel's back. This is what I would consider: stay at your mum's house. Treat that as a safe place for you and your DD. Tell your DP you need a break to sort out how you feel about this and how YOU want to move forward. Get some advice re: how you're feeling wrt your bi-polar. Allow things to settle and you to be able to think logically about your choices and then discuss with your DP, whenever that may be. I know your DSD if obviously suffering emotionally but you need to think about you & your DD. Unmumsnet hugs to you.

Farmmummy · 28/11/2016 11:04

Flowers for you snoopy I hope you and dd are ok

sterlingcooper · 28/11/2016 11:09

Honestly I think this is all quite hasty unless you and DP had been havibg problems before all this bad behaviour started from your DSD, which you say was only in the last 4 months so obviously linked to her mother having another baby.

Before you start selling the house wouldn't it be better to talk, preferably with a family counsellor, about whether there is a way forward? Or at least give things some breathing space by staying in your mum's house for a bit, yes, but is it really what you want to end your relationship definitively?

StefCWS · 28/11/2016 11:12

I think before going down the lock route you should ask your SD to apologise to your daughter and promise never to borrow anything without her permission or a lock will put on. If she breaks that promise then a lock will be needed.

If she apologises and promises then maybe another chance
don't let her use the whole "I am left out" excuse, she knows what she is doing and saying when they say that

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 28/11/2016 11:13

Oh give over Pot - those whole point of places like MN is that you can sound off about things that you never would in real life. And the SD is behaving like a bitch. I agree she's obviously troubled but that doesn't override the fact that her actions have been terrible.

NoSunNoMoon · 28/11/2016 11:14

Oh dear we are now in to calling a 13 year old child a 'bitch' - lovely

Oh dear now we have someone who thinks all teenagers are angels.

13 year olds can be total bitches. I was at school with some. Why are people so reluctant to accept that teenage girls can be bitches? Surely we all knew some at that age. If she's allowed to get away with it she will only get worse.

christinarossetti · 28/11/2016 11:37

I'm with Pot tbh.

I hate hearing women referred to as 'bitches', much less children.