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Original poster

About partners on the ward after childbirth?

1000 replies

hullabaloo234 · 27/11/2016 10:46

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

OP posts:
BreatheDeep · 27/11/2016 11:26

I'm surprised so many are so anti the idea. Partners were allowed to stay when my first was born and I loved it. Was so grateful he didn't have to disappear. I couldn't give a flying fuck if there were other men on the ward, it was completely irrelevant to me. Our curtains were drawn most of the time anyway.

He's not allowed to stay this time around and I'm so disappointed. Obviously I know more what I'm doing this time so it won't be so scary to be left alone with anew born but I still wish it was an option.

All of my friends feel the same as me. They want partners to be able to stay.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 27/11/2016 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mari50 · 27/11/2016 11:27

I was in hospital for 5 days after my emcs, thankfully partners weren't allowed to stay overnight, they did have 8-8 visiting hours. I'm sure we all have lovely DH/DP but the selection I endured the 5 days I stayed in was frankly, horrific and the idea of any of them staying over would have had me discharging myself early. As it was on the day of discharge they were going to make me stay longer as my blood pressure was high, I explained it was high because of stress due to still being in hospital and I'd be climbing out of a window if they expected me to stay any longer. It was a fairly horrific 5 days, had there been men sleeping overnight it would have been hell on earth. I wouldn't have wanted any man to witness me struggling to BF or haemorrhaging all over the floor while the nurse demonstrated something or other to me.

HumphreyCobblers · 27/11/2016 11:27

I want there to be adequate support from health care professionals.

It simply isn't good enough to make partners pick up the slack. What about the women with no partner available?

clumsyduck · 27/11/2016 11:28

Well mine was curtains I honestly didn't mind it didn't cross my mind that the other women would have their oh with them to be honest . We're do you draw the line ? I was in 3 days should they not have been aloud to visit at all. My best friend and dh came to see my for example in visiting hours should that be aloud ? There's no real night and day is there at that point I got wheeled into that ward at 2am it could have been 2pm for all I knew

Glastonbury · 27/11/2016 11:29

You didn't make it clear it was for overnight stays. Not allowed at our hospital. Unless the lady is in active labour partners have to go home at 8p.m.

whoopsiedaisy123 · 27/11/2016 11:29

I did too Humphrey but the night after my op there was 1 midwife (should have been 3) and 1 health care assistant to 28 women!

LunaLoveg00d · 27/11/2016 11:30

Some women want DP's to stay, some don't. Some women want to go home asap some don't. Whatever your choice is ok! There isn't a right or wrong.

The problem is that the women who don't want men around have NO CHOICE. They can send their own partner away, but are still lumbered with other people's partners and have no option for getting away from them. Utterly horrific.

I have just had major abdominal surgery and there was no discussion at all about husband staying over. It was in a private hospital and visiting hours were 9am to 9pm, DH was told very clearly that he needed to clear out by 9pm and leave me to it, with assistance from the nurses. I know how awful I felt the first 24 hours with a catheter, and vomiting, and severe pain and not being able to get out of bed. It would have been 100 times worse with random strangers wandering around.

Farfromtheusual · 27/11/2016 11:30

I was really excited to be able to have my DP be able to stay with me at the midwife lead unit I planned on having my baby at. There were individual recovery rooms and it was really lovely and quiet.

Everything went tits up and I ended up having EMCS at another hospital that did not allow over night visitors. I was gutted at first but actually quite glad now I think about it. The cubicles were absolutely tiny and the curtains were no help with privacy really. The women snored bad enough, god knows what it would of been like with half a dozen men in there as well. With babies screaming in top of that it would of been hell on earth. DP made sure I had everything I needed within reach before he left and I recovered really well so was able to move around and get out of bed unaided quite quickly anyway. Having said that, I think I might of found it more difficult on my own over night had I actually had my baby with me but he was in the NICU for 3 days. I only spent 1 night on another ward with DS before going home. I was ready to be discharged the next day really but they kept me in longer.

I think it's fine if there are private rooms like I mentioned but on the wards it's just not practical.

user1477282676 · 27/11/2016 11:31

The problem after a c section is that you wont be able to pick the baby up without help OP. That's why your partner needs to be with you.x

TheHotstepper · 27/11/2016 11:31

I hated the fact that there were 24 hour visitors on the ward. I felt vulnerable with the lack of overnight staff combined with low lighting and strangers around. The policy is not in place so that men can bond with baby and support their partner. It's utter rubbish. The policy is there to cover up lack of suitable staff. Most women can cope post-birth just fine. Obviously there are exceptions where the mother has physical or mental health issues, and these should be dealt with on a case by case basis.

To add context my birth experiences were one EMCS (4 night stay, no overnight visitors allowed) and one ELCS with twins (3 night stay.) I managed, as would most other women.

whoopsiedaisy123 · 27/11/2016 11:32

Luna my point is motherhood is a long, tiring, stressful, often confusing and overwhelming road and we all do whatever works for us.

YouCanStandMeUpSpartacus · 27/11/2016 11:34

I would hate this. Should not be allowed.

franincisco · 27/11/2016 11:35

I'm surprised so many are so anti the idea.

Really? I'm surprised that you don't seem to get the objection.

Unless they are in a private room with an ensuite the thought of having to dodge strange men in the corridor whilst holding a TENA nappy and a catheter bag makes me want to pay £5k that I haven't got to go privately.

In my antenatal class there was a father who was making it all about him constantly. He needed extra pillows for the birthing positions, was getting heartburn from lying down, didn't agree with x y x loudly. The thought of sharing a bed beside him and having to hear his whinging would be enough to induce PND in anyone.

Sallystyle · 27/11/2016 11:36

I would not want to stay in hospital where men are allowed to stay over.

Getting up with blood patches on my clothes around men? Leaking boobs etc. No thank you. Curtains don't provide much privacy at all. You can still hear everything.

There is a reason why we don't have mixed sex wards. Just because a baby is involved doesn't make it ok to have the opposite sex staying over.

I would discharge myself. I would not be comfortable with men staying overnight. I would get more rest at home.

franincisco · 27/11/2016 11:37

For those who are familiar with the men staying overnight, logistically how does it work? Do they get their own beds? Meals? What about bathrooms, do they use a separate one from the mothers?

HoobleDooble · 27/11/2016 11:39

It wasn't the rules on partners that issued me off after my EMCS, but the rule about siblings of the newborn being allowed all day. The woman in the next bed to me was on her 5th child so I had 4 kids and her (very loud) DH all day, coming into my cubicle, trying to 'borrow' everyone's visitor chairs, and crowding the cubicle so much they were actually punching the curtains up against my bed! So relieved when she knobbed off home.

TheHotstepper · 27/11/2016 11:40

At my hospital they slept in a chair. There were signs up asking them not to use the patient bathrooms, but most of them seemed to anyway. Officially no meals, but again, this seemed to be regularly ignored.

loinnir · 27/11/2016 11:40

For the people who say "well there are curtains" - where I had my babies if you pulled the curtains around yourself ( not pulled by a nurse or doctor doing an examination) any nurse or HCA who came in the ward would pull them open again (without asking me). They had to be kept open for H&S and observation apparently. It was awful - some women had up to ten relatives and friends at their bedsides, men staring directly at me for long periods - how are you supposed to rest and establish breast feeding as a new mum or just have a blub if things are awful (baby in ICU). One man came over and told me "to put my tits away" as neither he nor his children should be witnessing "that". It is horrid. There should be private rooms or screened cubicles.

onemouseplace · 27/11/2016 11:41

My local hospital allows partners to stay overnight on the postnatal ward. I've spent a total of 9 nights in hospital after my 3DC and I can honestly say that the 1 of those spent on a 4 bay postnatal ward with 3 partners staying overnight was by far the worst.

The increased levels of too-ing and frowing, the low (and not so low) level chat all night long, the sheer amount of strangers around made the whole experience horrendous.

witsender · 27/11/2016 11:42

I agree OP. Men are visitors on a post natal ward, and should be treated as such. Until they have more private rooms that is.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 27/11/2016 11:44

Thank goodness the sensible and compassionate people came onto this thread....after the first number of posts where people actually thought men should be allowed to stay however long they wanted because their fragile little feelings might be hurt, I was starting to think I had entered the Twilight Zone.

Of COURSE men should be sent away...they come a poor third after the female patients and the baby. If even one woman who has given birth feels more vulnerable because some man is on the ward at night, then that's a good enough reason to get rid of them all.

We don't KNOW your husbands...they are just strange men to us, and quite frankly any man who would think that staying on a ward filled with bleeding, sore and vulnerable women is acceptable is DEFINITELY the type who needs to clear off!!

allegretto · 27/11/2016 11:45

Loinnir - that is shocking! Did you complain? How unreasonable. I couldn't establish breastfeeding and was told to pump. I felt so exposed pumping in front of men that I gave up on breastfeeding.

clumsyduck · 27/11/2016 11:45

What I'm getting it is were do you draw the line ? I'm not disagreeing with people who say they feel uncomfortable you of course have every right to feel that way

But those saying visiting hours through the day only , how does that make a difference if you've just come on to the ward at say 10am having been in labour and surgery through the night ??
Or when they come to check your wound / get you up to shower / remove catheter etc etc these things go on at all times of the day and night !
So you'd really have to say no men at all !
As I say I didn't have a partner but if I did I would think 3 days of him not getting to see the baby would be unfair and that's how long I was in for

goingmadinthecountry · 27/11/2016 11:45

I was lucky enough to end up with a private room for my 1st 3 - one was a pregnancy where we knew twin 2 would not survive long so dh needed to be around - and 1 was an emergency c section. No. 4 was on a regular ward but it didn't worry me at all. Woman in next bed had emergency c section at about 11pm - what was her partner supposed to do?

Ideally, maybe there should be a bay for women who really don't want men there. Doesn't bother me.

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